AIBU to not send her to preschool

On the European thing, most do go to something like preschool from a similar age as your daughter. Whilst school may start later they are not just home up until then.

if that preschool doesn’t work hours wise can you find another that does - mornings or just a couple of days a week?

I think she should do something at age 3 to help prepare for school.

Oh god I didn’t realise it was that poster!!

This child would absolutely benefit from a few hours away from OP each week and other professionals who can work with her and aid her development rather than her mother who seems intent on diagnosing her with all sorts and doesn’t understand normal childhood development and behaviour.

SEND HER IN.
You have created multiple threads about your child possibly being autistic/adhd/other based on that she likes to play in the garden in a restaurant. You are extremely anxious and as many have pointed out to you your anxiety is the biggest problem- not your daughter. She needs to be in a healthy environment where every step she takes isn't scrutinised so def send her in. And get some therapy asap.

Why don’t you just send her for 2/3 afternoons - or ask if you can also do some
mornings.

I started mine off with one afternoon and one morning.
Then we built up to 3 sessions. And then in we did 4. I only did 5 sessions in the term
before school and we never did full days.

There is usually a compromise. You don’t need to go from nothing to 5 days. I liked a mixed so we kept our full days off going out to places we had annual passes, and mornings to do toddler classes. Then she’d go to preschool in the afternoon. Or preschool in the morning and see a friend after lunch.

I’d send her, although you don’t have to do 5 days a week. You could find somewhere that does different times sessions too? Separation anxiety is only going to get worse. And it’s at 3 that they really start to play with others and build little friendships.

I know it’s hard to recognise with your first but she sounds completely normal/ average for her age. These are developmental traits, not personality traits.

pre school is funded because so many children turn up to school unprepared- that includes emotionally. I would do it for longer days. She’ll have fun there

If she’s going to be starting reception the following year then preschool would be a good start. If she already struggles with new environments and confidence with new people on her own then she will struggle with primary school coming straight from home.
Preschool is a shorter day to get children used to something loosely like the structure of school but in a much more casual way.
If you’re going to defer the primary application then you can send her to preschool next year instead.

Honestly, I would do what's the best fit for your child. Don't stress about future problems.
Due to lockdowns and isolating rules, my child was cared for by family until three.
By then, I felt he was ready, and needed interaction with children his age. He always wanted to play with other children, but most of the groups we went to were much younger babies.
We tried one nursery at just 3yo and it was a disaster. He went in happily on day one, and came out distraught. He obviously hated it- went in crying, and cried as soon as he was picked up, and was clingy the rest of the day. I have friends whose kids were very happy in the same nursery, and felt all the guilt about whether he just needed to get used to it, but after a few weeks I decided to stop.
Two months later we tried preschool, and he loved it. I think the difference was not his age, just that it was just a better fit for him. We still had tears every morning getting ready, but once we arrived and he saw his teachers and classmates he would be ok, and he literally bounced out at pick up every day. The difference was massive, and really validated my feelings about removing him from the previous setting.
Sorry, that eas really long, but I just wanted to say- do what's right for you now, not what you think you ought to for future reasons. It's not a final decision.

You talk about her being outside but there are other skills to learn in a group such as cutting and pasting and painting. Sharing resources such as dressing up too.

These can be learnt at home but you'll be busy with your other little ones.

It's a good reason to go. However bright a child is they need to understand sharing and group work as they grow up.

I’d send her. Whilst I don’t really agree with formal education from 5 it has to happen and nursery is a good stepping stone for that.
she will learn the routine of school and possibly start some reception work in the summer term. She will also make friendships making reception less daunting. Going straight from being at home to full school days would be even tougher. You have a couple months to start preparing her, does she go to anyone else at moment, like grandparents?
Yes it’s a bind , morning or 2.5 days would be better. Is there no way to swap? But it’s only for 10 months and you can take here out for odd days if you choose as nursery isn’t compulsory.

I was in a similar situation with my daughter in that she didnt need to go to childcare but my background is a teacher and I know how important some of the skills preschool provide are. Honestly separation anxiety is likely to get worse not better as she gets older. Its a skill to be around and take direction from new adults. To be able to communicate their needs to different adults and to interact with other children without Mummy/Daddy there. That said I REALLY didnt want to send her.

I was going to send from the term after she turned 2, but in reality I delayed because I had another baby and I didnt want her to feel replaced. She went the term before she turned 3, initially just for 3 hours a day for 2 days. This quickly increased to 5 hours (which is the full day at her pre school) 2 days a week. In many ways I wish I had kept her at home and I feel robbed of precious time with her. I wouldn't say she has exactly flourished or its been some miraculous adventure for her, but it has been important. She goes in happily enough now, is confident around new adults to state her needs (go to the toilet/fallen over/needs a drink etc). She enjoys having other children to play with that her siblings dont know (and being able to introduce siblings to friends if we bump into them out and about). She is developing the basis of a social life independent of me. She starts school in September and honestly, I am terrified but the key thing is SHE isnt so preschool has served its purpose.

Also at 3/4 most parents are back to work, so there are few opportunities to socialise with peers at church hall playgroups & library music groups because they are mostly in childcare.

You’re looking at this a little skewed. Nursery is good for her to learn to take turns and manage social situations independently. She won’t get this at home. A good school has other benefits too and should have a decent outdoor continuous provision space. Find a nursery or forest school that does if that’s your style.

Nursery is not childcare because you have a newborn. Nursery will not teach your child to read- there are other more important foundational skills. There is absolutely no need to teach your 3 year old to read, let her play!

I’m a parent of four and an early years teacher.

I think going to pre-school is a good idea in the long run.

In the short term, can you start on 2 afternoons a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays, for example) and then increase to 3 days or more when you feel she has settled?

Can you start to have conversations about what it will be like from her perspective when the baby is new born, i.e. not so much fun stuff going on, lots of naps needed etc, so pre-school will be much more fun for her.

Other things, like nap times for the younger one, can you start to push it back by a few minutes each day? So its timed for when you get back after dropping her off?

It’s less common now than it used to be as more have both parents working, but kids do settle into school completely fine without having done nursery. Personally I’m not a fan of nursery unless it’s needed childcare, I think family is much better in the early years. Or if you decide to home educate(I just get the impression!), then not an issue there either.

Why do youth think successive governments have funded pre-school hours for years now? Including Tory governments, who dont like parting with cash for no reason?

Being a very involved mum and doing lots of lovely things, doesn't help with socialisation, preaore for school structure or being independent from care givers, does it?

Most replies will be from people who have had their children in nursery from 1, who have never heard of EC and who would never dream of teaching their child to read “in case the school do it a different way!”

Really nasty air of superiority here.

Why do youth think successive governments have funded pre-school hours for years now? Including Tory governments, who dont like parting with cash for no reason?

Being a very involved mum and doing lots of lovely things, doesn't help with socialisation, preaore for school structure or being independent from care givers, does it?

Most replies will be from people who have had their children in nursery from 1, who have never heard of EC and who would never dream of teaching their child to read “in case the school do it a different way!”

Really nasty air of superiority here.

In the European countries you mention where they don't start school until later, most children definitely do attend nursery/preschool settings at your daughter's age. It's just that there is less focus on formal learning and especially on reading and writing at that age.

Beginning to learn independence from parents, and socialising in a group with peers, are definitely important from around age 3 and if you don't start this soon, you're putting it off until she starts school, when there will be more pressure and fewer adults who can help her with settling in and adjusting.

I taught my DS now 14 to read before he went to school, and he did go to the school's own preschool 5 mornings per week.
I used flash cards for the 100 common exception words and the First Steps into Reading set of alphabet books.
I just left school to fill in any phonics knowledge when he went to Reception. He unofficially passed his yr 1 phonics screening test in Reception ( unless his teacher was lying 🙄)

I think the school nursery/preschool was a good way for him to be familiar with the school setting and the children he has spent the following years with.
The teachers can definitely tell the difference between children who have gone to preschool and children who haven't.

My kids started preschool (15 hours a week) the month after they turned 3. They had never been to nursery before - just baby groups with me. They both cried at first and took some time to settle in, but ended up absolutely loving.

From age 3 on, they do benefit from being around other kids. It also helped prepare them for school - the transition to Reception would have been much harder if they’d not been to preschool. I would definitely send her if I were you - it will be easier for everyone to keep her home, but this may be better long term.

You need to do SOMETHING thats drop and go, where you dont stay, to help her get used to not being with you constantly. It doesnt have to be this preschool, it could be being left with a regular babysitter or goimg to a drop & go swimming lesson or playgroup etc.

If you keep avoiding it/putting it off, you validate in her head that its:

• scary and shes right to be afraid to leave you
• that she isnt ready

This is how anxious kids happen. They are afraid to do normal stuff, their parents dont push them to take the risk etc and discover that they are fine & can cope.

As someone that works in education, transition to school is usually much easier for child who has attended an early years setting.l, be that a nursery or a preschool. I think with a new born it gives you time to bond this new baby and it gives your older one the opportunity to learn new things and practice social skills.

I’d keep her at home. It sounds like you are a very involved mum who will do lots of lovely things with her.

Most replies will be from people who have had their children in nursery from 1, who have never heard of EC and who would never dream of teaching their child to read “in case the school do it a different way!”

Put your child’s emotional health first and keep her at home if that is your preference.

I think doing afternoons is a bit rubbish because as you said, it’s right in the middle of the day but I do think that she would benefit from attending some kind of setting. Also, unless you’re intending to homeschool her, she needs to start adjusting now to being in a ‘class’ setting and forming friendships or connections at least with children who she’ll potentially be at school with, especially if it’s attached to the school.

As she’s one of the youngest in the year, and she has separation anxiety, I would absolutely send her to pre-school. School is a big step but even bigger if she hasn’t gone to nursery. If it’s the school nursery there will be lots there who will be in her class, she’ll get used to the setting and she’ll likely get lots of transition time before starting reception. You didn’t mention reading and writing but she’ll get a boost at pre-school which may be needed if she’s summer born.