AIBU to not send her to preschool

Reception is going to be a rude awakening for this child. I'd place money that she will be the one clinging to her mother howling and having to be peeled off to be taken into class. Sigh.

Personally, I think the social aspect of it trumps all other concerns. Learning to be with other kids/people and the resilience that comes from learning to negotiate over toys and games etc. is really invaluable.
I know she has younger siblings(s) but it isn't quite the same dynamic.
Also building a routine and trust of a routine will be so useful when it comes to starting school.

I do agree that the time of the sessions is a bit awkward, but maybe start with it and see how it goes?

It sounds like you have a beautiful home life and that is going to help her so much because although the separation anxiety is real, she has a firm foundation of love and care so help stabilise her. Good luck OP!

I think you are doing her an emotional and social disservice not sending her, she will be at school soon and that wont fit in with your lifestyle either, children need a bit of structure and other people/children in their life to aid development it does read like you want her with you and not really thinking about her needs long term,

My daughter is one of the younger ones in her year (turned 3 last April) and went to preschool in the Sept. I had been worried about sending her because she had never been in a nursery/daycare setting before but she loved it. She went 9-11 five days a week and I feel it was a good first step before she starts school this Sept, the two hour slot was great. I see what you mean about the afternoon time slot not being ideal but you’ll find ways around it I’m sure, you’ll maybe get out to the park or beach earlier in the day instead of later? Ultimately you know what’s best but if she doesn’t go do you think adjusting to a much longer school day next Sept might be even tougher? And by then, unless you’re prepared to homeschool, you won’t have a choice whereas at least if you try preschool and she really really doesn’t want to go you can adjust her days or take her out?

In my local area (N.Wales) the preschool sessions after they turned 3 were “school readiness” sessions at the school nursery, like you, we were allocated afternoons. There was no option to change to morning, no choice to do 2 longer days, and no alternative settings. They were “free” as in taken out of my 30hrs.

I spoke to my nursery manager at the time as to whether anyone else didn’t send their kids to preschool and she said nobody she’d known had done it.

my girl is July born, I worked part time it just sounded like a faff to get her there every day. But she thrived. The same preschool kids went into reception together, then into Y1.

I felt that being the “new kid” at reception or yr1 would have been harder to overcome for DDs shyness.

I think you need to sit down and genuinely think how much this is you problem, how much this is a her problem and how much is a combination of the two.

For a start, you are wrong about Europe and else where, most kids will be in a kindergarten or year or several years before starting school. Some countries from 2 upwards, some from a year or two older than that.

Secondly, some children are more anxious than others. I think she is now beyond the age where this is likely to be a phase. So I think you need to start managing it and having a plan for dealing with it or you are just pushing problems down the line. avoidance is never the solution to anxiety, it increases it and causes more problems down the line. Anxious children need to learn how to manage that anxiety they feel in situations they feel anxiety in but others don’t and that it is ok otherwise her life could end up getting very restrictive. you need to be proactive IMHO. You do have the option of starting a year late but I would be cautious about using that with a bright, inquisitive child who in every other way sounds like she will be more than ready for reception next year.

intrigued by the argument about others waiting for developmental steps. You did EC training and you are teaching reading already which is a learnt process not a developmental one. So it doesn’t sound like you believe this, more you might be trying to justify your own worries. Are you sure that there isn’t a part of you that is putting your own experiences about preschool onto a relatively normal settling reaction for a child that has only ever been looked after by close relatives. That she was upset in a handful of settling sessions doesn’t mean that she will still be upset everyday in a few weeks time even if you masked as a child.

Just continue as you are. It is working well for you all and would mean she would not feel she had been shipped off in favour of new baby. You will have years and years of having to fit your work round school schedules ... enjoy this bit while you can! Stressed parents running back and forth will be her life in times to come so let her have this secure family time while she can.

She does not need school yet. She is young for her year anyway and she needs time to mature and grow in confidence. Her sense of security matters most. This is what will help her when she does start school.

You will be bombarded with people telling you she needs the social interaction and trying to guilt you into sending her. Ignore!

She is enjoying her life and has lots of interesting things going on in a secure context. Time enough for school when she is a bit more mature.

When you feel she is ready perhaps begin leaving her with a relative or friend for an hour or so to help her grasp the idea thst when you go you come back.

There really is no hurry. She is very tiny. Allow her this happy time.

I think the important things to consider here are if / when you intend to send her to school and if this is really the only possible option for nursery. The schedule wouldn't suit me at all - I'd much rather a couple longer days than 5 short stints like that with 2 tiny ones to bring back and forth.

My daughter has anxiety, situational mutism and - we think - is autistic as well (she's 13 now and several years into the waitlist for an assessment but it's pretty obvious). She started nursery at 13 months as we had no other option. Honestly - it was the best thing for her 'because' we knew she was going to school at 4. It took a little while to settle her into nursery (she went 3 full days 8-6 and had a day at home with my husband and I each - we have flex-hours) but then going to school was super easy. She walked in on the first day holding hands with her bestie from nursery and had a brilliant time in primary (secondary less successful at the start but we are getting there!). She had wraparound care on the same days as she had nursery (we had her brother by then so kept the schedule the same until he started school).

So I think it's important to know what your goal is here - are you aiming to homeschool? Then you should consider other enrichment activities for her with children her age. If you are aiming for school in a year's time then yes, you need to start thinking about how to prepare her for that.

Socialising with her siblings is lovely but a very, very different experience to a room full of peers. Does she do activities now? Dance or tumbletots or anything like that?

It's rare to meet a child in reception who hasn't been to a nursery or preschool. I personally would send her for a couple of half days a week, which would give her the chance to get used to, and hopefully enjoy, the setting and also plenty of time for you to still do other activities. Bear in mind lots of children find the first couple of weeks tricky when starting nursery, but staff at usually very good at helping children settle in. When they start reception there aren't as many staff and therefore not as much opportunity for the same level of attention.
If she likes it you can increase her days or hours later in the year.

Unless you’re planning on homeschooling, your life will be school orientated for the next 12 or so years anyway… It’s just how it is. Obviously nursery hours can be awkward if they’re just morning or afternoon so only 3 hours a day. Mine were in private nursery from 1 onwards all day while I worked. It had some downsides but what I will say is their immune systems were strong by school age so they had very few days off for illness and I didn’t have to deal with separation anxiety in reception as lots do.

If your intention is that she starts Reception next year, I think some experience of a group setting is going to be helpful. It isn’t just about separating from you, but also socialising in a group setting with same age peers and operating in a group environment where there are rules & routines (sitting on the carpet, lining up, putting stuff away etc. etc.). It is a very different experience to being at home or in family care.
I think starting reception without any preschool or nursery experience is more difficult. I agree the hours offered aren’t the most convenient. Could she do mornings, a couple of full days or maybe afternoons 3 days a week? If not are there alternate settings?
My DD did 1 and a half days nursery, 1 day with family & the rest was split between me and dad right up to reception. People told me she needed more hours or preschool rather than nursery to settle, but that didn’t work for us. I needed longer days when working & treasured the days we had together. We met with other children regularly when not a nursery. Even though she did less hours than most I wouldn’t have wanted her starting school without any preschool or nursery experience. I think it would be a lot harder. If you plan to home school I think it is less important.

Why don't you delay her school start, so she's just turned 5 when she starts? And do preschool when she's just turned 4? We did that, and it was brill! DS is very academically able, but struggled a bit with the social side and was still napping at 3, so we delayed his school start under the flexible admission for summer borns rules. He is now almost 9, and thriving!

We absolutely wouldn't have skipped preschool though, it makes starting full time school far less traumatic and stressful, from a social angle.

How would her own mother, with only three kids, struggle more than a teacher with a classroom full? I do think it would benefit her to make friends for a few hours a week, but the hours are very awkward and I wouldn't commit to them personally. That's the time of day tired and cranky comes out.

Could you put her down for a nursery slot and look to start a few AMs a week come January?

This is the age parallel play starts to evolve into interactive play, though collaboration doesn't truly work until around 6. It would be good for her to start learning how to manage large group interactions - this takes longer than you'd think.

My ds1 is a late August birthday and turned 3 days before he started a school nursery in the September.

ds2 was also a newborn at the time. It was the best thing I did putting him in and he came on leaps and bounds. I put him in afternoons and it tired him out so an earlier bedtime which was a bonus.

I was worried he’d struggle as he was the very youngest but he’s going into y1 now and doing great.

I think that your decision needs to be based on if you want to defer her school start for a year. I think it is unfair to a sensitive child to go from nothing to everything the start of reception. So personally I would be looking at either having her at preschool part time hours this year working up to close to full time by the end of summer term or deferring entry a year and then doing this next year.

The timing sounds annoying so I’d at least try and go o. The waiting list for mornings or two full days instead of every afternoon.

benefits of going include getting used to being away from you when there are lots of staff who are used to handling the emotional side and can support her. In reception there are fewer staff, they need to focus on delivering the curriculum, and they can have quite high expectations about the children taking some responsibility for themselves and their stuff, I a way that nurseries don’t.

if preschool is at the future school it’s also a networking opportunity that will give her a stronger social group going forward. We didn’t go to the attached preschool of our school and it still affects friendship groups in y4 as the preschool parents know each other better from all the free afternoons/mornings they had together when their preschool kids were not in preschool.

if she is bright don’t defer her starting school, it’s boring enough for bright children without being a year older than others

If you are trying to work, with a newborn and a 1 year old in tow, yes, I think she’d probably benefit from some time a few days a week with friends and having an adult who can facilitate activities for her and give her their attention.

But I don’t think there is any point to 2 hours of preschool. I’d only do 9-3 or 9-5. Even if not at the school preschool. A teeny tiny short day is pretty pointless all around. The great thing about it is it gives you time to give your younger dc the sort of attention she had. Mine started school when I had her brother and it was lovely to be able to give him my full attention like I did my eldest.

I think it is you who are not are ready to send her.

I think it sounds like it would be more trouble to send her there than it's worth.

I didn't send mine to the preschool attached to the primary school because of the timing.
They were already at a different playgroup that was from 9-2 twice a week, which was much better than 5 afternoons.

As for seperation anxiety. If you're both getting it then why force it? I think you have a lovely set up and she already likely has 11 years of schooling ahead of her coming up fast enough.

Also starting school at 7 doesn’t mean (and hasn’t been proven to cause) any positive outcomes. There are many shit educations systems that start at 7.

I think it's annoying that you have been given afternoon sessions. Is the morning full?

I do think you should send her, you are going to be busy with a baby and the 1 year old so a lot of things might be more tailored to them rather than developing her as an older child.

You also mention the preschool being linked to the school, so it's likely that the children she meets will be in her class. Often there are links between school based nurseries and reception - cross over of staff, similar routines, so she will then have an advantage when she starts reception, especially as you mention she already has separation anxiety. Lots of children find it tricky at first but soon settle into the routine and familiarity of it.

Many mums manage the school run with babies or toddlers (and some both like you) and they just have to slot in.

Do you actually want her to go to school though or is home ed of interest? As overall it sounds like you are against school and prefer what other countries do, so I feel like you may always see the negatives.
If you can work around your children then maybe home ed would be a better option?

Don’t be silly. She’s not left it late at all.

Research tells us there is no benefit to nursery before the age of 3 that can’t be got at home, and that children are better off staying at home until then.

When they turn 3 that’s when the socialisation aspect is important.

Both of mine started at 3, only two days a week, and that has been wonderful for them. No problems, they loved it. The transition to school was fab, no issues at all.

Is this the same poster though? That poster only had one child whereas this one has 3 and the styles do look different in posting!

Then don’t send her. Literally nobody except you and your husband care if you send her or not.

Interestingly this is what’s often behind these kind sensitive hippy dippy families. Anxiety and control