AIBU to not send her to preschool

Absolutely do nursery, the earlier the better in my opinion. Mine went at 10 months and loves it. The transition is easier at that age but obv thsts too late for you

But we do teach 3 year olds to read? Or at least they do at my son’s pre-school? They do phonic sounds and numbers, just 10 mins a day and get him to write his name.

We all agree that children have different strengths. Some children will need endless repetition of the same letter to get it, others will be able to learn 5 sounds in that one ten minute lesson! Others will be able to throw a ball accurately, others will keep hitting themselves on the head by accident! If you were truly able to differentiate for all pupils you would have some who could read on entering reception just by being ready to earlier than their peers, just as some will be better at throwing a ball. A parent working one to one with their child can move at the pace of their own child, not the majority of the class.

I am assuming that the OP doesn’t have her child chained to a desk doing nothing but learning to read, but I thought that was a safe assumption. Most 3 year olds can concentrate on an adult lead activity for 10 mins without harm!

As for the social/ emotional aspect, as I said, every child has their strengths and weaknesses. 10 mins a day, exactly what my child’s pre-school does feels unlikely to have longterm negative consequences. But obviously hyperlexia is correlated to neuro-diversity so that might be why you have noticed a pattern there?

Reception is a prep year for year one when formal learning begins. If you don’t want her to go to preschool then don’t send her. Or can you see how it goes with all 3 and start her in January?

Unclutch your pearls 😅
Nobody is diagnosing anything at all.

I do think that from her posts it seems the OP has some anxiety about putting her child in preschool. Lots of mums do.
I know I did. It's not unnatural and it's certainly not a pathology. Most often it's actually unconscious, but it is something to reflect on and consider when making the decision because it's very easy to transmit your own worries and anxieties to your child.

The reason for avoiding teaching a 3 yo to read is that it's not developmentally appropriate for them. 3 yos are hard-wired to play, explore and stay active. I have seen many children arrive at school having already learned to decode who are behind with their social, emotional and physical development. Within a few months/years, the rest of the class has caught them up with reading, but they never make up the lost ground in other skills. I've also seen children at 6 or 7 who can't read at all, having been in Montessori settings or come from abroad, and it takes a very short time for them to pick it up as their brains are fully ready for it. Children who have reading forced on them too young also often end up with a negative association with reading.

My husband and I are both qualified primary school teachers and are more than capable of teaching phonics but decided not to with my daughter. We only gave her answers to questions she specifically asked. She learned at school and is now finishing Y1 and independently reading chapter books.

I think there are many, many ways for children to have wonderful lives - it's not like one experience is the 'best' or works the best for all children. Obviously a 3/4 year old with their mum and wee siblings all day is a lovely thought. But logically, how much time and space will there be to focus on this older child's needs amongst the baby and toddler? What will her days really look like and what sort of plan is there for next year and the year after? There is nothing wrong with a family choosing to prioritise family time over socialising time, but as the OP said - this child won't really have the opportunity to socialise with children her own age as they will all be at nursery and she will be with two very young children.

Of course this is a more modern thing - the expectation that children thrive when surrounded by other children the same age. And I imagine there are many benefits to opting out of this construct. But if the plan is to move towards a structured school day in one year's time, then yes, it's time to start working on it. If the plan is to homeschool and everyone is happy with this, then there's no real need for it and the focus can be on developing her confidence in other ways - maybe looking for a homeschool community or similar. But it's really unfair to go from long relaxing days as the only verbal child in a group to lining up with 20 other children and navigating sharing, queuing, etc etc etc in a year.

I want to say this as gently as possible, but you are holding her back. ... such nonsense!

I think reading through your posts that you have a certain separation anxiety too OP. .... so now we are diagnosing this wonderful mother with some pathology! Disgraceful!

It’s play based in a school setting though. There are some expectations that are completely different to what’s expected in a home environment with different aged children. Given that a preschool year has been common for over 40 years and universally available for 20 virtually every child coming into reception will already know them having been introduced to them much more slowly than is likely in a reception class (although a good reception teacher will make accommodations for children who are slightly ‘behind’ in that are of development)

IME you can almost always pick out the occasional child that hasn’t been to nursery and they do take much longer to settle. I do think that the OP needs to be aware that there is the possibility she just pushes this problem down the road or makes it worse when she makes this decision.

not to say that’s the only way to help her DD chain confidence and these skills. Preschool swimming/gym/dance group classes will help and usually are much shorter.

From all you have said, just keep her at home with you for the time being. She sounds like she's doing absolutely fine and feeling safe with you will give her the best start for when she does start school.
Forcing her into situations where she feels anxious and gets distressed are going to cause greater harm to her.
My 2 did 2/3 mornings of preschool until they started school and it worked fine for them. Had they not been happy, I would have pulled them out but they enjoyed it. But I also wanted Mum time with them whilst they were young and I don't regret it at all. I would not have sent them in for afternoons only though, as they wouldn't have worked for us.
Follow your gut instinct!

We didn't need to send dc to pre-school but I decided to send them three mornings a week from the term after they turned three (because it was free, and that way I still got two full weekdays to spend with them myself. Less than three half days wasn't allowed.

I decided to send dc because they've are very sociable and clearly needing more time with other children.

After half a term dc decided they wanted to stay all day, and over the rest of the year we gradually increased to three full days.

Most of the kids in their preschool went to the same primary school, which I thought would help, but actually they still found it a challenging transition (and dc doesn't even play with most of the kids from preschool anymore! They made friends with some of the new kids).

I think reading through your posts that you have a certain separation anxiety too OP.
You are going around in circles looking for reasons not to send her.

My advice would be to try it. If she's bright and sociable it will do her good to be in a preschool environment with her peers and have the opportunity to do age appropriate activities whilst you're going to be be busy with a baby and a toddler.

I want to say this as gently as possible, but you are holding her back. She will learn to adapt and flourish.

I have a 1YO and 3YO and was terrified of sending my non verbal (then 2YO) to nursery. LO has done amazing, is now verbal (delayed) but doing amazing. I was also really worried about the separation anxiety and they said we could do as many settling in sessions as needed. But that doesn’t mean you sit there and hold their hand. You drop them and go, they can stay for an hour, 30 mins, whatever, a few times to get used to it.

it would be such a huge leap from spending every day with mummy to going to school 5 days a week and not seeing you all day. There needs to be a bridging gap to make it easier.

Never leaving parents will probably feel like that for a small child.

I think it’s wonderful/amazing that you are coping with a 1 and 3 yr old with another on the way, to the extent that you will consider not sending her!! If that were me, I know I’d need some respite. But you are thinking so sensitively about her needs.

I think it would be absolutely fine from DDs needs pov not to send her yet and wait another year. Although school starts so young in England I’m remembering - could you defer both so she gets a pre school year at 4 and starts proper school at 5?

But on the question of readiness - sometimes we do need to put our kids in situations that are a bit uncomfortable for them, to help them grow and develop independence skills. It’s a tough call that only you can make, but either option is good for her - do what suits all of you the most.

What about the preschoolers with no experience of preschool?

Starting school at reception age isn't like throwing them to the lions. It's still play based.

I feel sorry for children who are just taken to school with no experience of anything like that environment. It is just not fair on that child.

How far back do you go? When does a child need to be in such an environment? Children's lives are full of new experiences - how do you decide when one of these should start? Whenever it does it will be new to them and that is fine. They can be well prepared through books and chats so they know what to expect. Maybe the experience of a school setting should start when they go to school .........

It is a fallacy that children who do not go to nursery or preschool have no experience of mixing with others. Of course they do.

Is it fair to whisk a small child from its happy environment before it is ready? - that's what I call unfair.

Honestly, if the preschool that only does 2 hours per afternoon is the only feasible option, I wouldn't bother.

I do think preschool can be brilliant for some (a lot?) of children, but I also see no issue with keeping them home 'til Reception.

If she is really distressed by the place I think you need to either wait til she is abit older or (probably best option) try somewhere else that she might like more and where she can go for the mornings.
The trouble with afternoons is that they have had all morning enjoying spending time with you so find the separation harder, plus they are tireder, and you also have your younger ones naps to think of so definitley sounds like you need an A/M session.
Preschool can be great for children to get them used to the school routine and structure, build social skills and meet others they will go to school with, but only if they are happy there.

Is there no space to do morning sessions instead? Could you one full day and two mornings? Then you'd have two days free for bigger trips. If she's bright and already starting to read it might be good the school staff get to know her early so they can know that she might need more advanced phonics in reception. Make sure you are teaching her using phonics (and tricky/high frequency/sight words) and making sure she's forming her letters correctly, using capitals in the right paces and full stops. One of mine could read and write before preschool. The other we couldn't have taught her at that stage as she just wasn't ready. I don't believe you can hothouse reading - at age 3 they can usually do it easily and are interested or they can't.

Ours didn’t go to nursery/daycare as we worked opposite shifts and days to avoid that expense, however we sent all of ours to preschool 9-3pm, 3 days a week for the 2 years prior to starting school as this was the school readiness prep, which we felt was essential.

Apart from the last it was really inconvenient as with the first, it meant having to traipse younger ones around the drop off/pick up. Then with the next several, it meant coordinating drop off/pick up with clashing school hours of older siblings at school. The only one where it was convenient was the last where it gave whoever was at home a big chunk of time to do jack shit 3 days a week. Still did it for all though as we felt the school readiness programs in preschool were essential prior to starting school so we sucked up the inconvenience.

Agreed, this is a great strategy.

If you don’t want to defer then I think you should go ahead with preschool this year, as it will massively help her prepare for school.

I also think the afternoon sessions are good - mornings are usually better with kids anyway, so you can do fun things with them all then, and then have a more relaxed afternoon with the others and early bedtime for her after pick up.

In my opinion more shorter days are better than fewer long ones, as she will be less tired but also fully in the 5 days a week routine that she will need to be in for school. I did 2 days with DC1 and practically had to resettle him every Monday after his 5 days off whereas 5 short days with DC2 worked much better.

I feel sorry for children who are just taken to school with no experience of anything like that environment. It is just not fair on that child.

Well if her mum has a new born and a one year old then she isn't going to get as much attention naturally. She would be better going and playing with other children and learning to get used to leaving her.

I do not have the words to say how much I disagree with this.

How dare you tell this mother she is not thinking about her child's needs - that is exactly what she is doing!

She is not trying to make her lifestyle easier, she is trying to do the right thing by HER child, whom she knows best.

These early care settings are not for everyone, any more than school is. We see the outcome of this in the mental health problems of teenagers who have been funnelled down the Gove-induced rigid curriculum and endless testing. Children are made to fit into these artificial settings for a very long time - let this child have the joy of simply being a child as long as she may.

Not being at pre-school does not mean she is not socialising. She can be with other children in many other ways than preschool.

Sometimes I wonder if the whole pressure to farm children out from a young age is driven by career concerns (another way of "making lifestyle easier?) and the whole socialising thing becomes a justification due to a necessity.

Children do not need to be in any sort of care until they start school, unless work considerations make this necessary. Where they don't then small children can enjoy a different sort of early experience - different, not worse. Each has its place.

I am tired of parents whose small children are perfectly happy being guilted into sending them to care settings when there is no need. Parents need to make their own decisions in the light of their knowledge of their child - some will choose nursery/preschool etc., but those who do not choose that should not be denigrated as poor parents.

I’d defer her school start and start nursery next year. Or accept the place and just let her go sometimes when it suits you both and not on other days when you’d want to do other stuff. Here in Scotland kids start primary roughly age 5 and have two pre school years at nursery. The sessions are 3-4.5 hours long each day or some people can do 3 long days etc
Out of four children, only one of mine has done the first nursery year fully (age 3-4) but they all went by 4 and enjoyed it. Two had the final (Easter to summer) term of the first year then carried on the next preschool year and one had sort of a flexible approach from the xmas to summer of the first year - going once or twice a year for 2-2.5 hours only then into the preschool year and the final (the youngest) only went for the preschool year. So they developed a lot socially and emotionally that year 3-4years and were ready to separate from me and home around 4 far easier than before. They’re all older now and the youngest is by far the most “intelligent” in terms of academia. The third is the hardest working and the older two have been good at school and socially- with the eldest being a typical all-rounder. None have had issues with separation anxiety in generaL in terms of school trips or sleepovers. So
Trust your child @Misha1998 and your gut as a mum and send her later…