AIBU to not send her to preschool

I feel we are going off the topic of this post slightly, sorry OP! I also feel we aren’t very far away in our opinions, I might just be expressing mine poorly.

You only mention the children who are not ready to read age 3, and the harm to their self-esteem. Not the boost to a child’s self confidence who is ready and can do it. They might be dreadful at running about and feel awful that they are slower than their friends. The 10 min phonics lesson might be their chance to shine. I have taught several children for whom this is definitely true!

Does your daughter enjoy the books she is reading? She has learnt to read early by some metrics. In some countries she wouldn’t have even started learning yet. Can you truly say there is no benefit? I know my son loves going to the library and picking up a book to read. Or coming home after a big day out and curling up on the sofa. Are these not good experiences?

The benefit doesn’t have to be “being a better reader.” It’s not a competition. The benefit can be that the child enjoys it! And some children (not all) do enjoy being able to read and the freedom that gives them. My son frequently picks up a book instead of toys, totally his choice.

To me, it’s a bit like riding a bike. I learnt age 4. My partner learnt age 7. Does it make a difference now we are adults? Of course not! Does it means those bike rides i had between the ages of 4-7 were a waste of time? Definitely not, I enjoyed them a lot!

I guess I just don’t see why reading is different. For a child who is able to do it, learning to read is exciting! Not a chore. Similar to riding a bike but with fewer scraped knees!

She sounds great and her life sounds like a brilliant start. Although we now see preschool education as a must that is more about enabling everyone to work and pay tax. Like many government and education policies, it isn't centred around the development of children. It does definitely benefit children from homes that lack language, outdoor play, warm interactions, other children and challenging circumstances but you would find it very hard to show any benefit of preschool for children with the sort of home environment you describe.

Spot on!

When I was working for CAMHS and I was sent a "problem" child, I would ignore the label and ask about the settings in which they were spending their day .... the problem was nearly always In the setting.
These settings have gradually become more problematical as the rigidity and narrow curricula have set in, along with targets and testing.
Start with the child and who they really are was my rule.
Problem settings create problem child labels.

OP, you can absolutely do what you want. Afternoons would not have worked for me. I sent mine to a lovely play based preschool at 2.5 but in retrospect wished I had waited until she was 3 as I think it would have been an easier transition. I only did 3 mornings a week anyway as I wanted to spend time with her myself.

I am an early years teacher by profession and I think there might be some benefit to her going somewhere without a family member before school but I refute this idea that she'll be behind/missing something vital. If the worst came to the worst, she'd get used to bring away from you in the first few weeks of school. We have plenty of kids who find the transition into school a challenge at first and they have pretty much all been to some childcare setting due to the price of property and free childcare hours, so preschool doesn't cure it, and it often settles very quickly, although I know how tough it is for parents thinking their child is unhappy. Often they're not once the parent has gone.

Also, being ready for school in my opinion involves being able to communicate well, feel confident to try new things, be able to get dressed and use the toilet independently not phonics/early maths. Ignore anyone who suggests otherwise. We'll teach her all of that.

Could you see how you feel after Christmas? There would still be six months for her to potentially go to some sort of provision then to get used to being without you and she might feel ready then. She'll be at school for a lot of years and your life will be fixed around a school run. Enjoy this time while you can.

Is there any possibility of dipping a toe in independent activities between now and then? My DD did solo swimming lessons at 3 and ballet. It was only for a very short time but a step in the right direction.

She sounds great and her life sounds like a brilliant start. Although we now see preschool education as a must that is more about enabling everyone to work and pay tax. Like many government and education policies, it isn't centred around the development of children. It does definitely benefit children from homes that lack language, outdoor play, warm interactions, other children and challenging circumstances but you would find it very hard to show any benefit of preschool for children with the sort of home environment you describe.

Se did nursery that did 3 hour morning sessions each day

Another reason I think I didn't feel it was great for DD1 as expected - the school had an entire first term of half days to settle in - 6 weeks of half days switching morning and afternnon nightmare for everyone- by time youngest started it had been cut down to two weeks.

I wonder now if many more schools go in 6 hours a day straight away.

I do think younger two being just a bit older and a school one meant they got more out of it - but they all sat in still circle time at groups - shared as they had siblings and did phonics with me anyway. The big thing for younger two was loss of kids older or their ages when out and about - as DD1 was so young in year - late August - we didn't see that with time we had.

You could try it and see - she may be more ready than you realise - or you can look for another pre-school later in year so she gets a bit of time away from you for shorter periods before school but not as quick as with the school pre-school.

Incidentally some of the kids crying in first weeks had been to nursury and pre-school - and some of the kids least able to sit still and wait in groups had also been to nursury environments. I don't think there are any absolutes with kids. It's a parental judgement call - long term not sure it means much either way.

I think it is a fallacy that small children not in nursery or preschool are devoid of opportunities to socialise with other children, or to learn co-operate. They live in families and have cousins; they go to mum and toddler groups etc.
This fad for pushing children on from one stage to the next as speedily as possible is not healthy.
Children fall by the wayside, get stressed and do not have time to simply be who they are at each stage of development because we are always pushing them on relentlessly as if there is some virtue to getting through the stages early. There isn't. They will never get the chance to look at the world with wonder again before this is crushed out of them.

They do not have to be learning all the time ... they are good at exploring and following their natural curiosity ..... if they are given the chance.

The stress that children are out under is quite simply wrong. We can see what it does to them if we look at so many struggling teens who are feeling undervalued and join the endless waiting list for CAMHS.

They do all this at toddler groups !

I agree ,ops DC is in a very rare position where she has the luxury of being at home with mum and her siblings and not in an instution being instituionalised.

Op I would look into local toddler groups the type that run in church halls and cost very little. They often run to a loose schedule like a craft and books then snacks / signing time (where they sit and sing ( then climb on toys ).
They will be a gentler intro to rules and you would be there.

I would also look at the early years frame work and gently introduce some concepts as well.

Op does she mix with other DC at things like toddler groups ?

It would be good for her in some ways. I remember my first day at primary school wondering why the kids were crying. I knew my mum would come back and that place was awesome it had plasticine. If i hadn’t gone to playgroup I might have been one of the ones crying.

@Mischance I feel like you’re shouting the loudest in the room because you want to be heard. But really; the consensus is yes, send her to nursery / pre school, even for a day. Like I said, it teaches them valuable lessons.

And you ARE doing your child a disservice if you think they spend every waking hour with the caregiver; the mother, father, and then aged 5 shipped off to school for the majority of the week for the next 10 years, and you don’t prepare them. It’s unfair. One day out of 7, sending them to nursery to prepare them for their future and help gain valuable experiences is helping them. It’s not just about what you want.

Just because you don’t agree; that’s OK, but you really don’t have to keep shoving your unsolicited opinions down everyone’s throat.

@MischanceI think the need to prepare to go to school in particular is because unlike starting nursery or pre-school the hours are set once they start school. So they go from being at home all the time with a parent to suddenly spending 6 hours (minimum) away from their parent every day, and on top of that there are the rules, the people, the environment etc which are are totally different and unlike anything they’ve encountered before. I certainly built the pre-school/nursery days up slowly before both mine started school, and I’m glad I did as I know they both would have struggled going from being with me all the time to suddenly not having me around at all for 6 hours each day.

This, or a forest-school style outdoor nursery?

I think it sounds like it would be a good idea to get her used to being away from you before starting school, but (assuming you can find a place) it really doesn't have to be a preschool if the ethos and the hours don't work for you.

Of course they learn valuable skills. The issue is not what but when.
Why does she need to learn these particular skills at this particular moment?
The answer is that she doesn't!
What is the rush?
Everything in its own time.
She needs to treasure these early years for what they are and their intrinsic value. Time enough to be fed down the funnel and moulded to the testing/ judging/competitive route.
Leave our little ones be! They can't get this precious time back!

@Mischance please feel free to tag me if you’re going to quote me 😉 I am entitled to my opinion much as you are yours. So please, shut up.

it’s not nonsense. Going to nursery helps children learn valuable skills which simply don’t apply at home. Circle time, sitting still with peers when told. Yes you can sit and read a book with your child at home in their safe environment but it’s not the same.

i could listen a million and one reasons why I mean what i say; OP your holding her back. And I mean that kindly. You will not always be there to hold your child’s hand and your doing a disservice by not allowing her to even try.

My dd has just finished a year of preschool and it's been wonderful for her, she's absolutely blossomed and is really confident about continuing to reception in September. She started on 5 mornings and now does 3 full days plus 2 mornings. I think mornings are far better than afternoons because if she wasn't at preschool we'd have gone out and done some activities or classes in the mornings, and then she'd be tired by the time of her preschool session (she would often nap at the start of the year after a morning session as it's tiring to have that social stimulation even if you're used to a lot of activity). I'd try to find a setting that would offer mornings, or put pressure on to switch to mornings. Usually it's for the convenience of the nursery to offer afternoons but it rarely suits the child or parent.

It is crazy to say that a child needs to go to preschool to be ready for school or nursery to be ready for preschool. Each new experience is a new experience when it happens ... nursery is new ... why is that a problem? Preschool is new if you have not been to nursery .... why is that a problem? School is new if you have been to neither... why is that a problem?

How far back shall we go? ... should we be preparing for b nursery by sending them to ... wait a minute ... where could we send them?

Each phase of their lives is a new experience. There is nothing wrong with letting that fact be.

This little girl is happy in her family where she will gave lots of experiences, including the arrival of a new sibling with whom she can be involved as is right. Why ship her off? What is the point?

Could you start more slowly a couple of afternoons a week and see how it goes, as you say she needs to get used to going to school and starting gradually and getting used to the children she will presumably start school with will be important. Starting school not being used to being left there, not being familiar with the place or the other children would make it very hard jumping straight in when they will be starting teaching in earnest as well.

Could you ask about doing mornings instead if it clashes with the one year olds nap time?

This is really important, I think. My son starts Reception in September and I’m home with him two days a week. Wherever we go (soft play, attractions, playgroups) at least half the time there’s no one close to his age to play with. If he wasn’t in nursery the other days, his guaranteed chances to socialise with peers would be very limited.

I would absolutely send her in but maybe find a more convenient setting where she can do mornings for 3 hours. Children behave very differently in front of adults they don’t know and it’s important in terms of school readiness. I also had no need for childcare but sent my eldest for half days from 2.5 and full days the year before he started reception. It’s extremely important in terms of socialisation and independence from age 3 and after the initial settling in period they mostly enjoy it. I noticed the difference between friends kids that weren’t going to nursery from around age 3, they tended to be less able to interact appropriately with their peers (in terms of sharing toys, playing together nicely etc) as you can’t really replicate that environment with just parents/grandparents/nanny etc as their main source of playmate. Maybe find a term time only setting then you’ll still have almost half the year to spend time with her given how long the school holidays are!

DD1 was late August and other DC are summer born.

For eldest I did feel under pressure to send her to pre-school because she hadn't been to childcare - very much she was missing out vibe. We didn't get a school based pre-school place - but still sent her to a local preschool in hindsight I wish I'd ignored much more and had her with us for longer.

Not sure it helped her be any more school ready - actively think it hindered pottey training. I could have sent her after Christmas or last term instead. She was fine in school first year anyway - I think preschool wans't great fit and not all went to same school or ended up in same class so knowing people didn't work well either - but all my insicts got drown out by people round me insisting it was me holding her back if I change or stopped pre-school.

Other two we got places at the school pre-school- and morning sessions which suited our routine - and I do think they benefited much more. The preschool and reception worked closely and played in same areas - they were part of the school met staff and most went up into reception classes. Also them being tiny bit older they did feel lack of older kids at groups which we hadn't with DD1.

If time doesn't work for you and you think she fine at home - are there other options maybe after christmas or eatser for a term where she could do some out of home expericences - if not reception is supposed to be school intrductions and while she'd likely be in tiny group not sent to some childcare/preschool setting they should be able to accomodate that.

I tried my child (august born) at pre-school having just turned 3. They hated it and were totally overwhelmed. So I decided to delay school start by a year. We tried pre-school again at having just turned 4 and they were still sensitive but managed it so much better being that extra year older. They're about to start school in September and I think pre-school has really helped prepare them for that transition. Everyone thinks they know best about other people's children, but I would trust your own instincts as their mother.

10 minutes a day of phonics won't hurt, except in that children will quickly notice if they are finding it harder than their friends and internalise early that they are "bad readers" when it reality they probably just aren't read, but there's also no benefit to it.

That 10 minutes could be better spent on play or fine motor skills.

Learning to read early does not mean becoming a better or more enthusiastic reader.

I wouldn’t send her for those hours. She will really struggle to settle for 2 hours a day, it’s pointless imo. If you have nowhere else nearby where she could go a couple of days for at least 5 hours then I’d probably not worry about it and just focus on doing what you’re doing. It sounds like you’re doing a great job. If you enjoy it and she’s happy you don’t need to send her just because people say you should. You know her best.