AIBU to consider ending things after boyfriend ignored my grief?

I dunno. I'll go against the grain here but I'm one of those people that really doesn't understand grief and therefore, I'm generally not great around it. I'm so black and white around death, even with my own mother who obviously I miss a lot but I was back at work the same day because I'm not a griever. That said I can appreciate when others are finding things tough.

In this case especially though, it doesn't sound like you were particularly close and I've lost a few friends in similar circumstances in the past fews. Other than the initial 'oh I am so sorry' my DH hasn't' asked anything else or checked I am okay, but I've never considered divorcing him because of it! It's my grief (or otherwise) not his. Especially if he never knew the friends.

That said, you don't need this as excuse to dump him if he has form, but if he's generally a good boyfriend, I wouldn't lose my mind over it.

He won’t know you mentioned her because he won’t have been listening to you, because he’s only interested in himself. Sorry if this has already been said, haven’t read all the comments.

I hope you dump him.

Sorry op i’m going against the grain here. The way you have described your relationship to her doesn’t sound to me like a very close ‘friendship’ and therefore although it would be sad to hear of her death, I’m not sure i would expect to need to ask you if you’re ok all day like you’re properly grieving your best friend or relative.

But you don’t need justification to end the relationship. You can end it for any reason you want to.

Listen to what he is telling you.

I was deep into a relationship when my cat became terribly ill, I know, just a cat, but he had been with me a long time, and been my constant companion. Eventually I had to have him PTS. Boyfriend knew the day, the time etc. I heard nothing from him for 6 days. Apparently he didn’t know what to say.
I went on to marry and have three children with him. It was a terrible mistake, he was never available to me in anyway. I am still going through a very messy, expensive divorce. I wish I had regarded that and other, similar red flags with much higher regard.

Thank you, that's kind. Hope you're ok OP.

So sorry for your loss. But sadly this situation has shown you his true colours. He won’t change, people who are this self centred just can’t put their own needs aside to notice yours. You’re not a priority to him and you deserve better.

I had an ex who did something similar after I had awful news about someone close to me (not a death but very upsetting). After the day I told him he never once asked how I was or how they were doing. I left two weeks later.

I have found that relationships which may seem fine/good and even go on for years, can turn on whether your partner supports you emotionally when you are in a time of need. It’s easy to have a relationship when life is ok - it’s when life gets tough that you see whether your partner is properly there for you.
In your case OP, he seems completely uncaring towards you. So yes, best to end it.

He’s not thinking g of you. You deserve better. He’s totally self absorbed.
it’s nice you’ve been supportive but if it’s not two-way it’s not good enough.

Dump him. You aren't his therapist and he doesn't care a jot about your feelings.

Sorry about your friend.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend 💐

It sounds like you can do much better than him OP

@HousewasBurning it's often in our bleakest times that we find out who's really there for us. He has shown you who he is: believe him.

A partner should be someone you can rely on to be a comfort when you are grieving. He clearly isn't that person.

Potentially outing, but here goes. Many years ago I was in an on-off relationship. During it, a family member was killed in a terrible accident. If you’d heard the details (which my supposed boyfriend had) you wouldn’t forget them.

The day of the funeral was horrible. I messaged him saying “It’s Chris’s funeral today; it’s just so awful” and so on. At this point, I didn’t care whether we were on or off or any of that - I just wanted some words of comfort from someone who cared.

He sent back, “Oh, yeah, bad one… Chris… did I know him?”

I knew then that was it. Who forgets they’ve even been told about the major family trauma of someone they supposedly care about?

Is this possibly because his head is full of me, me, me?

To @HousewasBurning , you describe one very upsetting incident. Does he have form for self-centredness and lack of empathy?

I’m so sorry about your friend ❤️‍🩹.

It sounds like it’s always all about his emotions and there’s no space for yours? You don’t need that

Sorry for your loss OP, and sorry your boyfriend isn’t being supportive. I experienced similar to this with an ex, not a friend but a beloved pet I’d had since she was a baby (not saying this is the same as a human friend!) and he said something cliche and sympathy-adjacent, then went quite cold. Didn’t text or offer to call me. Just no sympathy. When I next saw him he said something like ‘I suppose you want a hug.’ I raised the issue with him and he said he didn’t want to chase me by texting or calling and knew I could handle it on my own. wtf?! I should have walked away from him at that point but I didn’t. I was so embarrassed and confused by his behaviour, and never told any friends he did that. I was grieving and he acted as if I was too needy or too much - I just wanted a bit of kindness. But when he wanted to monologue about his awful job, I had to sit there and empathise for countless hours. He couldn’t manage one kind word for me. Never even asked how I was doing afterwards. It turned out he was hugely avoidant and hurt me very cruelly in the end, I wish someone had told me to finish with him at that point.

Why stick around in a relationship with someone who is all take and no giving? He should be someone you can rely on for emotional support but has shown you who he is. I’m sorry OP but knowing what I do now, I’d walk away from him.

Stop wasting your life with this toad.
Chuck him back in the pond.

Im sorry you’ve lost your dear friend. Some girlfriends are like family and I’m sure there’s going to be a huge space in your heart for years to come. May she rest in peace. 💐

Ok. Ill go against the grain and say dont leave the bastard today. In his head youve never mentioned her.

People can struggle to deal with grief and many fail to do it well when they're actually called upon. I lost my DP suddenly in our mid thirties and found that out quite quickly. As with all these things however whilst that might explain people's inability to properly engage or empathise when someone dies, it doesn't always excuse it. Especially when it's your own partner.

It sounds as though he fails to understand the depth of meaning of this for you, and I think rather crucially, isn't actually trying to. I think a long relationship with someone who isn't emotionally available is always going to have its fair share of disappointment and loneliness when hard times hit, so no YANBU.

Condolences for the loss of your lovely friend OP.