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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

926 replies

Puffinsandcoffee · 06/07/2026 21:46

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

  • I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
  • I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
  • I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
  • I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

OP posts:
Morninginesa · 18/09/2026 13:41

To be clear, they'd still definitely think I'd done a terrible thing if I left him.

Your family would think this @Puffinsandcoffee ? Your mother, father, siblings?

Morninginesa · 18/09/2026 13:42

Puffinsandcoffee · 18/09/2026 11:56

On my family - I do see why you'd say this, but I think it's unfair ( & that is my fault). I spoke to SIL after this thread. I didn't actually spell out "this is what he did and I'm scared of him". But I did sort of mention in passing and kind of made light of it as if I didn't think it was a big deal - which was prob really cowardly of me, but I was a bit afraid she'd just say, "oh, well, that's men for you. How's the fancy house?" Maybe I was even scared she'd share something about my brother in return that I didn't want to hear.

She heard what I was half saying, though, and something has shifted in my family since then I'd say. My brothers have since sort of said some things - like, that I still belong to them, and like, joking, basically there's no way out of the family, even if I'd married a policeman I'd still be a [family name]. And now I feel like I'm not as "out" as maybe I thought. I feel more "in" than I have in a long time, like some important people in my family have realised I felt alone and vulnerable and have kind of closed ranks around me a bit.

To be clear, they'd still definitely think I'd done a terrible thing if I left him. They don't think he's a bad person. It's more just, they're making clear that me and my kids are "us". And for my husband, there's recognition that marrying into our family is a very hard thing - it has harmed people, it asks a lot of people, it means high stress situations and unfairly high expectations. That's sort of come up in just conversations over drinks with my brothers and SILs and me and husband - like, he's not the first one to crack, it's ok, but he has to get his shit together 😂I think he feels less criticised, more understood, so he's not defensive. He's changed his behaviour, but from a positive place. So, yeah - that's all felt really good, and in my view my family have been a big part of why I think for me things are much better and will get better.

I'm well aware people might now think it's me and us who's the problem. Yeah. I think that's at least as a partial explanation. But my husband is very sure of what he wants and he knows the deal (for want of a better way of putting it). And he says I'm (and my family are) worth it 😇

For anyone reading who's in a similar situation, I'd say if there's anyone in your family you think you can trust, maybe just dip a toe in the water. It's all it took in my case, and nothing catastrophic happened, but it reset the balance a lot.

Show quote history

Are you from the travelling community by any chance @Puffinsandcoffee ?

JuRoo · 18/09/2026 13:46

I was in this position in my 20s & I didn’t want to leave. I started joining things, evening classes etc. & made new friends who I met up with in the evenings & weekends, out & about, & left him in the house alone. I started to build my confidence & he started to matter less to me. He noticed & started to change his behaviour but unfortunately by that point I had eventually stopped caring & left him. As I got older I realised that feeling safe is everything & without it, it’s just a non relationship. It helps you make 2 lists, what you feel good about & not good about in the relationship & see how you feel. We can change other people but changing ourselves shifts the dynamic.

Rattlecake · 18/09/2026 15:09

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FrothyCothy · 18/09/2026 15:23

good to hear from you @Puffinsandcoffee

Original poster
Puffinsandcoffee · 18/09/2026 16:28

Morninginesa · 18/09/2026 13:41

To be clear, they'd still definitely think I'd done a terrible thing if I left him.

Your family would think this @Puffinsandcoffee ? Your mother, father, siblings?

Yeah. My dad is dead but yes my mum, sister, brothers, and brothers' wives - not that they all know, but they'd all agree leaving would be stupid and selfish.

My point is just if there's other women reading whose famly is a bit like mine - they still helped me, even though they wouldn't want me to leave him (& I don't want to either). So, I just mean, it might be ok to take the risk of talking to family about your problems - even if they're v against separation/ divorce etc that doesn't mean they'll just completely be on your husband's side and hear no wrong of him. That's all I mean.

But if this is not ok to say if it's going to make other women more at risk or something can someone just get this post deleted, because I do recognise my circumstances aren't necessarily all that relevant to most other people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffinsandcoffee · 18/09/2026 16:40

G1ngerbread · 18/09/2026 13:34

Your fearfulness is not silly. It’s a responsive to a dangerous situation that your brain is trying to protect you from.

Your husband does not have ptsd from being around your family, this is you trying to blame yourself for his actions.

It might escalate, it might not. As you said it’s already been 20 years. But does it matter? It’s already bad enough. I can absolutely promise you that your children will be damaged. No matter how much you believe they are witnessing only healthy interactions. You (through no fault of your own) don’t seem to know what healthy interactions look like. It sounds like your entire family are toxic and possibly abusive. You are judging your Husband against them, making him seem not as bad. I understand that, but it isn’t true. That’s why everybody here is saying leave, because people who have experienced healthy safe relationships can see what you cannot. The same for your children, just because they are not experiencing what you did as a child, it doesn’t mean they are witnessing a healthy relationship. You still have many years ahead, and I promise they will know and so the cycle continues. At the very least they will recognise you are fearful, the relationship is not equal. They will have these standards for themselves.

Also these are big things that you are describing as minor. So the minor things you probably aren’t even aware of. They are almost certainly part of your daily life and you are too conditioned too notice.

Your Husband would have behaved this way with whoever he married, it is not a response to you. You are not the problem.

You don’t want to leave. That’s your choice. Know that it’s the wrong choice for your children and live with that. But don’t say you ‘can’t’ leave. You can. But I won’t advise you around this as you clearly don’t want to.

I was in a DV relationship. I’m only just able to call it that 10 years later. I never recognised myself as a victim/survivor or him as a perpetrator. It was so much more nuanced than that so I do get it. I also didn’t have childhood trauma. I’m not judging you but I do think it’s sad that you can’t see it.

Sorry to hear of your experience. You're right of course that I "can" leave in that I'm not locked in the house, and he wouldn't stop me if I did leave, I think. But in my case, I'd be taking my kids from a not ideal situation to a very very bad one. I really do think being separated from my husband would not be in their best interests. But I am taking on board all of those comments, & I'm not complacent about the whole situation.

OP posts:
OneFineDay22 · 18/09/2026 16:42

I think there is plenty of advice on this thread for people that aren’t in your exact circumstances to be honest (most of it even!) so I wouldn’t worry that other women would be following your every move without thought of other options.

I’m glad your family are helping. I hope your husband continues to work on his issues so that your family can live without fear.

Backlate · 18/09/2026 18:08

Morninginesa · 18/09/2026 13:42

Are you from the travelling community by any chance @Puffinsandcoffee ?

Show quote history

I would be shocked if not.
A family that would listen to all this and be horrified if the OP left him and likely cut her off?

A community where DV isn’t abhorred?

An OP genuinely can’t see how abysmal the situation is from her husband through to her family because it runs through her blood.

OP serious question - if your daughter came to you and told you all this about her husband and that she wanted to leave him, what would you say?

Backlate · 18/09/2026 18:11

Puffinsandcoffee · 18/09/2026 16:40

Sorry to hear of your experience. You're right of course that I "can" leave in that I'm not locked in the house, and he wouldn't stop me if I did leave, I think. But in my case, I'd be taking my kids from a not ideal situation to a very very bad one. I really do think being separated from my husband would not be in their best interests. But I am taking on board all of those comments, & I'm not complacent about the whole situation.

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What “very very bad one” would you be taking them to?

Backlate · 18/09/2026 18:12

What did your family actually do to “help you”? I can’t see - anything ?

Original poster
Puffinsandcoffee · 18/09/2026 18:51

I'd really love it if we could leave travellers out of this. My husband is white British, and he's the bastard in this situation.

If my daughter said all this was happening to her, I think I'd want her to come home to me. I'd tell her she always had a home with me. One important difference is that there isn't a single person in my life who'd say the same to me. A socially isolated mum, with a history of severe mental illness, from a group that many people openly hate, living off benefits (presumably?) - that's what my kids would have if I leave. As it is they have all the riches of my community, and the pluses of his white Britishness, and a lovely home, and a dad who's working on not being such a bastard to me, and me firmly on the rails health wise.

What my family did was close ranks around me. Imagine I am a traveller, or from an IRA family, or a Peaky Blinder (all ones I've said conjure up basically the right idea). They didn't do anything because nothing more needed done. It felt like a powerful thing, to have that at my back.

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 18/09/2026 19:22

I'm so glad your SIL and brothers are reassuring you and supporting you without alienating your DH.

You clearly can't/won't leave but you are making changes for what seem the better. I can't even start to understand your family dynamic or culture but for now you seem safe and with a plan.

Wishing you and your DC well

Satmod · 19/09/2026 06:22

BlueMum16 · 18/09/2026 19:22

I'm so glad your SIL and brothers are reassuring you and supporting you without alienating your DH.

You clearly can't/won't leave but you are making changes for what seem the better. I can't even start to understand your family dynamic or culture but for now you seem safe and with a plan.

Wishing you and your DC well

I agree. The travelling community is like another world (one that sounds horrifying tbh) so I don’t understand why OPs don’t include that in their Op but cause it is SO relevant. The rest of us read these threads and so all very reasonably start suggesting the OP opening up to her family. Then when the Op responds that if she did, her family would essentially cut her off - we all very reasonably start responding with WTAF???

Whereas if the Op said in the Op that she was from a travelling community - we would know, sadly I had to say, that DV is viewed very differently (despicably so) and that advice to confide in family will fall on deaf ears because the families are all wrapped up in this horror.

OP I really hope you mean it when you say you would break the cycle if it was YOUR daughter in your shoes

Satmod · 19/09/2026 06:27

I recall one thread where the Op, from the travelling community, didn’t want to attend a bbq because one of the guests (her cousin) was a wife beater. We all said - don’t go! But again - the Op said that wasn’t a possibility because her family would kick off.

Anyway she went, and then updated the thread that she’d actually had a nice time with the wife beater cousin!!! It really stayed with me that thread for some reason.

Original poster
Puffinsandcoffee · 19/09/2026 06:51

Satmod · 19/09/2026 06:27

I recall one thread where the Op, from the travelling community, didn’t want to attend a bbq because one of the guests (her cousin) was a wife beater. We all said - don’t go! But again - the Op said that wasn’t a possibility because her family would kick off.

Anyway she went, and then updated the thread that she’d actually had a nice time with the wife beater cousin!!! It really stayed with me that thread for some reason.

Pretty sure that was me under a different username. I did post about the same situation anyway. My family is pretty dysfunctional, I realise that. Maybe my community doesn't have much to do with it, I don't know. But, I've never said what I am. I have tried to give relevant info, but the info could apply to many groups & what specifically I am isn't relevant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffinsandcoffee · 19/09/2026 06:58

Also my family wouldn't cut me off for opening up to them! They wouldn't even cut me off for leaving him. In fact, even if I went to the police, they wouldn't exactly cut me off they'd just never trust me again and have a lot of contempt for me.

But I know a lot of this stuff is not normal and not great which is why I ask people on Mumsnet, because it helps me see what I should be aiming for with my own family.

OP posts:
Satmod · 19/09/2026 08:29

Puffinsandcoffee · 19/09/2026 06:51

Pretty sure that was me under a different username. I did post about the same situation anyway. My family is pretty dysfunctional, I realise that. Maybe my community doesn't have much to do with it, I don't know. But, I've never said what I am. I have tried to give relevant info, but the info could apply to many groups & what specifically I am isn't relevant.

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Seriously, that was you?

Ok over and out

RoseField1 · 19/09/2026 17:13

Puffinsandcoffee · 19/09/2026 06:51

Pretty sure that was me under a different username. I did post about the same situation anyway. My family is pretty dysfunctional, I realise that. Maybe my community doesn't have much to do with it, I don't know. But, I've never said what I am. I have tried to give relevant info, but the info could apply to many groups & what specifically I am isn't relevant.

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Do you really think anyone on this thread doesn't know you're a traveller? Come on now

EmailsaysOOO · 19/09/2026 17:26

Puffinsandcoffee · 06/07/2026 23:28

I really am certain it won't escalate. Surely it would have done by now if it was going to?

I do have some friends who would accept me leaving, even for no reason at all, I think. But my family, who I really do love, would judge me very harshly. And I share their values, I really trust their core principles, they really are worth listening to. It's just, they know, as do I, that I am safe with him. It would be seen as a massive overreaction on my part which damaged my wee family and did harm to my husband who's already very much become part of my family, at some cost to his relationship with his own family.

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I don't know how you can be sure that you're safe with him.

Dery · 19/09/2026 17:50

@Puffinsandcoffee - thank you for updating. I followed your thread a lot early on and was wondering how you were. It sounds like you have had some very important conversations and hopefully your situation will continue to improve.

Original poster
Puffinsandcoffee · 19/09/2026 20:15

RoseField1 · 19/09/2026 17:13

Do you really think anyone on this thread doesn't know you're a traveller? Come on now

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I know I should just leave it, but it feels important to me to go over this again: I know most people are sure I'm a traveller. I'm just saying, one, that I've never said that, and, two, I don't know why anyone cares, because it doesn't matter.

The reason I keep repeating this is because I'm well aware that some of the stuff I've said is great ammunition against travellers. But there's plenty of other groups that are male-dominated, closed, violent, and hate the police. As well as which, the "violent thug" in this thread is an educated, well-off, white British man. Truth be told, I was warned about men like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffinsandcoffee · 19/09/2026 20:21

EmailsaysOOO · 19/09/2026 17:26

I don't know how you can be sure that you're safe with him.

Show quote history

I know. I suppose I can't be sure. But then, I don't think I'd be sure of any man. They're all scary. I'm not being glib about that. I just mean, I don't find it easy to untangle my husband (reality) from that (legacy).

OP posts:
Theylooted · 19/09/2026 21:06

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Theylooted · 19/09/2026 21:07

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