To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

Spineless would be prioritising his new girlfriend’s desire for a child free relationship at the expense of his children.

And, as a guy, you think men should prioritise their girlfriend over their children?

He's not spineless. He's the only one putting the children first. He's the only grown up in this scenario

I'm a guy.

It sounds like unless the man appeases the woman in closest proximity to the "audience", the "audience" cast him as a villain.

Are you sure it’s ’not to upset her’ and actually ‘because I want extra time with my kids and don’t want them to be shipped off to relatives’

This. Seems like a great dad wanting to have his kids as much as possible. The horror!

I don’t understand the ‘need’ to have child free time. As a parent, you have kids, there is no ‘child free’ time. We didn’t have ANY child free time until ours were adults (as even as older teens and able to stay home themselves if we went away for a night, invariably someone needed running around to a sport, hobby, job etc). Such is life as a parent, why you think anything other than that is mind boggling. He seems to be a responsible dad who understands his obligations to his kids versus a spineless man caving to an ex-wife.

How dare he prioritise his own children over a relatively new girlfriend! What a spineless weak man …

Its actually so gross.

It's one of the joys of Mumsnet. A separated father who has less than 50:50 is lazy, feckless and taking the piss. A separated father who pushes for 50:50 is only doing it to get out of paying maintenance. And a separated father, like this one, who takes every opportunity to see his children more than 50:50 is weak and spineless.

I think the whole reason they are together is they are both child free at the same time. OP’s boyfriend having his children an extra handful of weekends, over a 3 year period, is spoiling that for her.

I’m not sure that is the bottom line. It doesn’t sound like he maybe can’t win here. Or nobody except his kids can in this relationship. I wonder whether it’s your ex-lack of flexibility that actually causes more issues.

I don’t think going away for a 7-10 day holiday once or twice a year is unreasonable. If you are on a 50/50 part week custody schedule that is going to mean finding childcare.
I don’t think it is unreasonable to offer the other parent first refusal. And if you want to spend more time with your kids than the custody schedule allows it seems reasonable to accept and not ask to swap those days (assuming you are ok with any maintenance issues).
it might be unreasonable for him to say yes if you have definite other plans together although I think a lot of MN would argue that he should be putting the kids before your relationship.
it’s definitely unreasonable if she would refuse every time he asked (if he ever does) or causes issues if he were to say no but I might have missed that being the case if you said it.

if she was happy to take them and your ex wanted to spend more time with his kids and would take them there wouldn’t be an issue because you would likely to be able to find 5 days more often. And yet you started a thread about her not him.

To add to my previous post, it sounds like he has a flexible pattern with his ex (assuming she will take DC on his time) and you have a strict pattern with your ex. I don’t think either is wrong, although I know more coparents that do allow flexibility. It does make it much harder if you and DP are in different arrangements. It makes it less practical/compatible.

Or why does this shit mother want to have her kids even less than the 50% she does currently
why doesn’t she take them with her?

Again, this. What is with some of the people on this thread? I hope you don’t all have children. My child would always be welcome with me, whatever the other parent was “playing at”.

Don’t punish the children for the ex’s behaviour.

I’m in a similar situation to your DP. Although my ex (who I am divorced from) & I have more like a 60/40 split.

He goes on holiday over his time multiple times a year. Without someone having the DC he couldn’t have a full week (or more). I don’t think I’m weak for agreeing to this. The difference is that if I do have plans one of the evenings then he’ll get his parents to look after the DC so I don’t miss out.

It does impact my relationship (that is a similar length & similar situation re non blending of teens) but he is understanding & we work round it.

I think at least part of the problem is that your ex won’t switch. If he would it sounds like it would be less of a problem.

What I do, which may help in your situation, is that I have a shared calendar on an app where I put in dates I’m going to be away (even if it’s on his time with the kids). Then he knows that he can’t ask me to have them. It means we can plan in advance. If it impacts time I’m meant to have them then of course I check first.

If you had something booked then your DP should have said no but I can understand him saying yes to his ex if you were still in the planning phases. I do have sympathy as I’m sure it’s annoying. I feel it would be less annoying if your previous break hadn’t been cancelled but that wasn’t ex’s DPs fault.

Saying all that I know it’s incredibly hard making the sort of relationship work that we have. I wouldn’t blame you for having doubts.

This. It’s the same for all parents, together or not. When you have children, they shouldn’t be optional.

I don’t get all the anger about this OP. A decent dad will choose his children over your frustration. If you think he should side with you, then yes, you should leave - for the sake of the children.

Why are you mad at the ex? she owes you nothing. Direct your anger at your spineless DH.

Look at it another way, how utterly awful it would feel for the children if they knew neither parent wanted them at a weekend

My ex is constantly doing this and my view is that it is important for my children to have one stable home where they are always wanted.

You just seem to have the assumption that every one of his weekends “off” are yours and he should be able to act like a child free man.

Only a very, very small number of your weekends have actually been impacted by him having his children.

It’s so strange what so many women seem to look for in a man with kids and spending anything other than the bare minimum of time with them is “weak”.

Exactly. The OP said

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

I don't recall having any time away on our own without our son until he was well into his teens.

Reply that actually that works out amazing as you're going on holiday (uk of course, no need for passports) so kids can come too, it'll be a fantastic chance for you to bond with them and you'll all have a great time.

She'll cancel her trip before you've even finished typing the passive aggressive kisses.

My ex did this to me for years and it played havoc with not only my life but the kids’ too.
I had solicitors involved, allsorts.
in the end health reasons meant he had to (largely) stick to a routine but it took around ten years to get to that point.
I feel your pain, I understand why your partner gives in, he probably just wants to give the kids stability. I wouldn’t say he’s wet per se, I don’t think I was wet but it was hard, life has so many challenges, I didn’t want to spend time battling with an ex.
maybe it’s for you to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship as it seems like the situation might not change anytime soon

So take the kids on holiday with you? Parents who are still together don't get long weekends away and long holidays together without their kids.

You either accept the children or you don't.

If you are not interested in a step mum role, then yes you absolutely should split and move on. I don't think that's wrong, but I do think it's wrong to try and act like he's not a father. Whether or not his ex is unreasonable is neither here not there.

He can say No, She will have to find alternative arrangements

If it was me I’d do the same. No way am I looking after the kids so my ex can go away with his new Mrs!