To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

I've been in your situation, OP.

DP's two children live with him. They're now older (early 20s, late teens) and the younger one sees mum six nights a month. I have 50/50 so know DP's children better than he knows mine, because I have more no-child days. For ease, I will call them the DSC.

Despite not seeing DSC2 very much, DP's ex still regularly books holiday (with her DP, without DSC) that span her weekend(s). She once started and finished a holiday on her own weekends and DSC2 didn't see their mum for almost a month. Mum didn't ask to swap any days either, to make up the time. She goes on two-week foreign holidays with her DP every year and they take DSC2 away for a week in the UK. I cannot understand it myself. I will always take any extra time possible with my own DC and never want to give up days.

Anyway, to my point.It can be frustrating. But I have always felt that, when this happens, it's an opportunity for me to get to know DSC and for their dad and me to model reliability and consistency.

Our long-term plan is for DP and DSC2 to move in with us when DSC2 and my DC1 finish school. DSC1 is moving into a house share soon, and both my DC1 and DSC2 want to go away to university. So, when the time comes, only my DC2 will still be at home year-round. It's taken us five years to get to the point where we can see this working. But our DC are all on board with the plan and appreciative that we've always prioritised them and are waiting for them to be largely independent before we move in together.

DP and I have never had more than two nights away alone, because we both save our annual leave to spend with our respective DC.

The fact that DP has always been there for his DC when their mum has been flaky is one of the things I love best about him. Although DSC won't hear a bad word about mum, I can't help but suspect they feel a bit abandoned when she consistently chooses her DP over them.

I have always seen it as a positive that he steps up when she isn't available.

Or that she will hold him to ransom.

I’m a single parent and always said I wouldn’t date a single father for this said reason. May be hypocritical, but I’ll happily remain single.

I did let my guard down once and started a relationship with one. Same situation. As soon as XW caught wind we were going on a weekend away together (looking back I think I was a rebound so he probably told her), she booked a holiday so he had to have their dc. CF X was trying to waggle out of giving me my money back I’d paid for the trip but I damn well made sure I got it back.

Ended things immediatley after that. Surprise surprise, they got back together but he still tries to message me despite having blocked him on 2 numbers and all social media.

I have enough to deal with and won’t factor in a bitter XW or wet wipe partner.

Also the poor children in the middle will understand when they’re older (if not now) that their Dad tried to see them whenever he could. My parents each put their new partner first and it completely battered our feelings of esteem and self worth. If you can’t understand that you may be happier with a man with no baggage.

That’s a bit nasty. I don’t think he’s necessarily weak. Who wants their own kids to feel unwanted . If you have a relationship with someone with kids you can’t always expect to come first.
Try to get in first in future and have firm plans well in advance.

OP, apologies if this has been suggested before (I’ve only read your posts) but would using a co-parenting app help? The usual times can be entered into the calendar and if there are any non-negotiable dates they can be marked as such. Give and take is good for everyone but if the communications are done via the app the piss taking is there for all to see. If the ‘children’ are teens they can have access and can see the piss taking too…..

The main consolation is that, as teens, the light at the end of the tunnel is almost within reach.

So you only actually have to put in the work of parenting for 183 days a year and you think you're terribly hard done by for having to add a few more?

You realise most people have to look after their kids every day for 18+ years continuously and maybe get a weekend off twice a decade if they're lucky?

You could say to DP that you would like to message Ex Wife to tell her you've booked a holiday... She could organise childcare or rearrange.

This is incredibly immature and short sighted.

He is a parent. Whilst it might not be “fair”, him picking up his ex-wife’s slack is what is best for their children.

The fact that it isn’t fair doesn’t change that.

He should message and say sorry no I forgot we have plans and I can’t have them. Very annoying.

Yes I would leave this relationship. I had the same thing . Was infuriating.

My partner was like this for quite a long time. Ultimately you either have to accept the way he manages his ex or move on.

What we did, was to ‘book’ weekends with her a long time ahead. She was better at respecting that than the ‘routine’ weekends.

My ex was also a big fan of just booking stuff without asking or checking. There was no point in getting mad about it. He has never changed, 10 years later. I just roll with it. It’s possible that he’s exhausted from battling this all through his marriage. I certainly was!!

How would she know you'd booked that weekend?

It’s time that people faced reality here. In general women just aren’t cut out for being step parents.

And before someone with an agenda jumps in with the “and men are?” Narrative, the fact is, it is different.

Because most men know that when they get together with a woman with kids the likelihood is that the kids are going to be with them for the majority of the time.

Whereas it’s almost an accepted norm that no woman should be expected to put up with another man’s children more than once in a blue moon, and God forbid it interferes with her life.

And while people are quick to jump to say that it’s the ex wife being annoying and should be stood up to, while on the face of it that’s all very well, but what message does that send to the kids? “Your mum wants to go away for the weekend but you can’t come here because my shiny new wife thinks you’re in the way of our dirty weekend.”

There is no way of refusing to have the children which doesn’t put them last.

And all this “you deserve to be happy/have a life” bollocks which people trot out here to justify putting kids last every time is all the justification needed to say that this whole blending of families needs to be outlawed.

I want to make sure I am understanding this correctly - you and your DP planned a well deserved holiday 3 months away during a week the ex is scheduled to have the children. She then calls your partner and tells him she has plans for that very same weekend (when she is scheduled to have the children!) and asks for him to cover her time? And he immediately folds and your holiday is cancelled? He's taking the piss and you are a fool to stay with him. Imagine your whole life like this.

I'm sorry op, I understand why it's so frustrating. But personally I think when you are dating someone with children you need to be prepared for those children to be with him 100% of the time if something happens to the other parent or if (as in your case) the other parent is difficult/unreliable. I think you go in with your eyes open that his kids and what's best for them need to be the priority.

I personally would not see him as weak I would see him as putting his kids first and getting as much time with them as possible.

That being said,if he has a prior commitment with you then if he can't say to her it doesn't suit, he needs to look at other options like grandparents or similar to give you both the chance to have time together.

Do the kids ever get taken on holiday?

YANBU. I finished with a guy for similar reasons. His wife ended the marriage, he had to move out of the family home in to a tiny two up two down. She kept the car, she worked part time even with both kids in school and he was the main bread winner. She made sure he only had them 3 nights a week so she could claim CSA. He was also paying for her car and the mortgage so transferring her £2k a month. The nights she had his kids would change week to week depending entirely on her social life and she would
never, ever have them on a Friday or Saturday night so he always had them all weekend. On top of this, she made him do all the school runs back and forth (even on days he didn’t have them) despite the fact that she kept the expensive family car and he could only afford an old banger. She would throw a spanner in the works often at the last minute if we had plans. I found the fact that he wouldn’t stand up to her deeply unattractive and I left him,

It’s about 6 times in the space of 3 years, I’m sure he feels like he has plenty of time to have a life.

Honestly anyone bitching about their so called partner having his own children for an extra weekend or two in a year needs to take a look at themselves.

Personally I think you should assume you might have to full time have the kids and work out if you’re ok with that - they might decide to live with you or other parent might die / decide to move without kids. Any childfree time is a bonus.

Good for him being a good father and not letting his children suffer because of her behaviour. He needs to be the bigger person here, because he's the only stable parent these kids appear to have. He will be the one they thank when they are older. The kids still need to be taken care of regardless of her behaviour.

If he does kick off with her it could risk contact with his children. She sounds extremely manipulative. However, what he does need to do is take her to court for a legal custody order that she must stick to at all times. What would you do if those children lived with you full time? Because there's no such thing as a part-time parent unless you're a scummy parent, like their mum.

What an arsehole - a man who WANTS to spend time with his DC.

OP - walk away; the step mum life is not for you.

I totally get it btw. If I found myself single again, id never date someone with kids younger than 17.

It sounds as if he's a good father, who puts his children first. Many of us would love to find a man who does that. So many times on here, we hear the other way round, where its "dead beat" dad messing mums around, and we're told to "put the kids first", "new partner needs to learn that our kids always come first", "we come as a package deal" etc etc.
Obviously you can move on, but i wouldn't throw a good relationship away over this.

Too many people deliberately missing the point. Being divorced does not mean having to accommodate all ex wife's plans without her accommodating yours. It's called give and take.

Bullshit. The ex is messing him around and he's allowing her to. He's allowed to have a life as well.