To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

Have a conversation with him about what is going on. If the divorce is that close to being final, then it may be he wants to get it over the line. Equally he may actually want to spend time with his children.

my husbands ex was truley vile for many many years. It was always her way or the highway, and everyone, especially the kids suffered. how old are the children, because once they become teens they soon start being vocal over where they want to spend their time with. I cannot tell if he is someone who won’t stand up to her, but also perhaps not to you either?

see if post divorce he’s for insisting that the weekend changing works both ways, and they can swap with each other. I do get wanting to get have everything finalised to some extent (we had many years of battle over settling the house, which was only finally resolved a couple of years ago (and my step sons are now both in their 20’s).

do the children spend time with both of you?

It sounds like he has the kids more than her then if she’s booking holidays on her 50% of the schedule? I hope he’s not paying maintenance to her too, she should be paying it to him.

Ive been in your position OP and it’s awful, it’s not about being a “good dad” it’s letting your ex dictate your life which is sounds like she’s doing. It’s really not difficult for her to plan things on her time, she gets a lot more free time than most parents who’ve split so to book things when she should have her children isn’t really on. The anxiety over not being able to plan anything is something you have to experience to know what it’s like. There were times I couldn’t even relax until we had checked into places and even then I was always worried he’d get a phone call halfway through what we were doing and leave.

Come on, she’s booked holiday when it was her turn to have the kids without checking with her ex first. How you can possibly think that’s reasonable is beyond me.

I have a 50:50 arrangement, and we sometimes swap it around to accommodate holidays and other things, but we always check with each other beforehand. It’s like work… and you don’t book your holiday and flights before you’ve arranged your l leave.

I think because it’s a hobby related trip. It might not be much fun if the kids don’t share the hobby.

Why can’t they go with their mum on her holiday? It’s her week to have them ?

OP, that's not necessarily true. If there is a noticable difference in income you can still get maintenance when you do 50-50. I just did a calculation for 50-50 with 2 kids and his income being 125K/year and you should receive some £600/month in maintenance.

And a lot of those commenting on this post.

But MN is known for it's double standards.

OP'ers DP is also allowed to make plans for when it's his ex's time with her DC, she clearly knows when it's her time and when it's his, so therefore she should also respect this and he should never feel he has to cancel them as he feels...

He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

Exactly this. Men are being talked about on this thread that they should be able to control women and if they cant they're weak and its his fault and he is to blame.

OP cant control her ex, but she no doubt thinks she is the victim in that set up and she is not to blame and its not her fault.

Yes this, why would he say no? Why would any parent say no, unless they were ill or other extenuating circumstances

Why cant the kids come on holiday with you?

But in this case the ex can and seems more than happy to have his children, so a scenario where the other partner doesn’t want to have them be beyond “their time” isn’t really relevant to this scenario.
It doesn’t seem like this man has a problem taking his kids an extra weekend or two a year, the only one with the issue is his girlfriend.

It is interesting, reading recent and older threads on this same subject where men have told their ex's that for whatever reason they can't have their DC that week/end the replies are normally to the affect of it's not your problem to fix, it's your ex's time to have the DC, you've said you can't and it's up to him to sort out.

It’s interesting that doing what his girlfriend tells him is what would apparently give him backbone.

Exactly

I think you need to dig a little into the dynamic here, OP. Is he generally conflict-avoidant to a fault as a personality trait or is it specific to his relationship with his ex? My DP’s ex-wife was abusive. The divorce was very nasty and he now manages the co-parenting arrangement by sticking to the absolute letter of the schedule agreed in mediation, and otherwise ‘grey-rock’-ing her.

dh signed up to have dc full time with me and a new partner didn’t.

A new partner "signed up to a partner who has children. If they don't like that they can sign up to a child free person.

So man has an ex wife who uses their kids as a weapon. Rather than rising to the bait and getting into arguments, he takes his kids whenever needed? He's putting them first. If you don't like that then leave. Calling him weak seems pretty pathetic. He's prioritising his children

Is there a court order for the 50/50 child care or is it just an arrangement between themselves? Having been through family court, which was 3 years of hell that cost nearly £50,000 with almost a year of not seeing the child, I can fully understand why he just accepts it. She is clearly using the kids to ruin your own plans and cause problems. It could also be an attempt to sabotage the rationship as she is jealous he has moved on. She is also being extremely selfish and showing you that thinks her time is more important than your's.

Does she take the kids on holiday often? Or it it only her who get to go? It says a lot about her that she goes on holiday without them several times a year. It's perfectly fine to go on holiday without the kids. But, doing it that often during your time is not fair. I can imagine how the kids feel.

If there is an order and he just accepts it, he is probably happy to be getting extra time with them. He may also realise how the mum doing this so many times will make the kids feel. It is extremely frustrating though and I completely understand why you have had enough of it.

I'd probably have a discussion with him and find out why he just accepts it and says yes every time. Clearly explain the impact it is having on your and your relationship. If he is just behaving like a doormat and essentially is putting his ex's holidays above you and the relationship, it needs to stop. He needs to make it clear to the ex that it's not happening anymore. It will only escalate if he doesn't.

Plenty of us do say no when selfish ex’s cancel set arrangements. you cannot legally do anything to make the other parent have the dc and not cancel. I stand up to my selfish prick of an ex all the time about this behaviour and have plenty of backbone but he puts his holidays, work and hobbies first and dc a long time last. He doesn’t care if it inconveniences me. I’ve had to cancel two weekends away when he ‘forgot’ to tell me he had booked work and had to cancel dc on his days. It was clear he just wouldn’t show up. I don’t book anything for myself now without a backup childcare plan if ex flakes. You can’t change the ex being selfish and unfair you can only change how you react to it or walk away from it.

I wouldn’t even get a night a year, but I still understand that if you have a new relationship and you both only have your dc every other weekend that you should be able to go away. If I were in a new relationship I think I’d want nights away much more, dh signed up to have dc full time with me and a new partner didn’t.

op, ask him what he thinks would happen if you said no. Point out he might be sick one day, or away with work and can’t get back, instead of just killing off his relationship, and he needs to think about these things.

This! I find it wild that couples who split expect to have so much children time/holidays. Complaining about only having 5 days away together, or having to wait 3 months for a trip alone. I’m lucky if I get an annual 1/2 night trip away with my husband, with the odd evening out together.

Get rid of DP im afraid. As flippant as it sounds, this is not going to get better. Either the bloke has backbone or he doesn't, and sadly it sounds like the latter.

It wouldn't be a life that I'd be willing to settle for. He's not doing his children any favours modelling a life where they are his entire world at this age unless life with mum is difficult. I doubt the children would be foisted on a relative if he refused because few relatives would be willing. She's doing this because she can. If this is what he wants to do, I think you should part amicably because it's just not working for you.

The mum is in the same position, why does she need more time ?

why is she ok going away in the 50% of the time she has the kids

please explain