AIBU to feel hopeful about my autistic daughter's future?

Your daughter sounds remarkably like my son at that age. We made similar adaptations including listening to music at transition times and a weighted rucksack. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I found that structured social groups like Scouts helped hugely as less overwhelming; plus sports like badminton/tennis and non aggressive martial arts to teach working together (again less overwhelming and more structured compared to eg hockey or football). With the right support it often gets easier as you and your child learn coping strategies. My son got a first class in maths and is about to embark on a phd so yes be optimistic! I wish someone had told me 18 years ago that these children can and do flourish. I wish you and your daughter all the best. X

My autistic DS is a similar age to your DD, but DH is autistic and I teach quite a few autistic students at university (in an arts subject - so I also reject the idea that autistic kids should be pushed towards STEM. Many of them are intensely creative and excellent writers, artists, philosophers, historians, etc.).

My overall impression is that later primary and secondary school can be very hard for autistic kids. However, many of them thrive at university with the right support for all sorts of reasons: being allowed to study their passion, set their own schedules (to a degree), young adults being more accepting of difference, a wider range of people to become friends with. Obviously not all autistic young adults will be able to manage university for all sorts of reasons, and many may not want to go.

Also "facing significant difficulties" and having an overall happy and fulfilling lives are not mutually exclusive. I would say that both apply to DH. So, it's probably not realistic to assume that you DD will never struggle with her mental health, but it's certainly realistic to believe that with support and self-understanding, she can create a life in which those struggles are not the defining factor in her experience.

Finally, I would encourage her to consider jobs where she has as much autonomy as possible. There are more of these than you think, especially as people become more senior in their professions. But a lot of the happiest ND people I know are self-employed.

Autism outreach at primary school was what helped my DD learn social 'rules'.

They came to her school twice weekly and her teacher and my DD would report any 'difficulties' she'd experienced in the last couple of days (usually disagreements with peers and problems in class with impulsiveness).

Whereas before she wouldn't be able to understand or even listen fully to a peers point of view, the Autism Outreach worker would get my DD and whatever child she'd had a disagreement with and coach them both through what to say and do when they disagree etc?

Whatever the issue was, both she and the other child involved were given the tools to be able to understand the others point of view, and how to resolve conflicts.

This meant that my DD AND her peers were taught, so the peers understood that my DD hadn't meant to be rude/mean etc, and my DD learned better ways to express her needs/feelings/opinions.

This was what actually made my DD's school life a much better experience than it would've otherwise been (at her previous primary school she had zero friends and was actively disliked by most of her peers as she upset them by being 'rude' or 'mean').

I'd also encourage you to allow her to try any and all hobbies she would like to, as having 'friends' at a hobby is MUCH easier as they have a common 'topic' to chat about, and are usually kept very busy? That means your DD will have a wider circle of friends than just her school friends? (so if she's had a crap day at school with her peers, she's still got her friends from her hobbies?)
It may also very well lead her to discover her 'thing', i.e something that she loves and focuses on.

My DD now teaches her 'thing' for a living. She has an Honors degree and is still pursuing further qualifications.

It really is entirely likely that your DD will succeed in her life and career, she just may need a little more support to help her along the way. 💐

The National Autistic Society has a forum for parents which could be useful. The struggles my 10 year old experiences does change, or rather wax and wane, but luckily good friends and a great school has helped. It’s the masking that causes burn out for her, and severe debilitating anxiety which she is having therapy for. Doing all the research, all the reading, parenting courses, liaising very closely with teachers & SENCO helps.

Our whole family- me, DH, SD16 and DD6 are at different stages in AuDHD diagnosis. The thing is, that on it's own tells you very little about how we cope with life.

SD and DD could not be more opposite and it manifests completely differently in both of them. SD describes herself as "emotionless" and is very, very laidback. She's extremely strong in maths/science/computing, very logical, follows all the rules and doesn't take risks. Hates reading, stories, anything she thinks is "girlie", and whimsy. She has a solid group of friends who are all very similar to her.

DD is a whirlwind, very highly strung, very creative and imaginative, considers rules to be guidelines and has no sense of danger and lives for being on stage, singing, dancing and acting. Highly gifted in language and reading. I'm starting to notice some friendship issues and her getting pushed out by other girls or called "weird". It breaks my heart. We are also seeing a lot more behaviour issues with her as she cannot cope with transitions or regulate her emotions, which seem to be huge and all-encompassing. She feels everything.

Their futures are going to look very different. I have no doubt SD will lead a successful (if slightly boring) life with a solid job (she's thinking of becoming an actuary) with lots of pets and Lego.

DD, I don't know. She will either be wildly successful in a creative field or really struggle. She has asked me recently to find her an agent after she heard that a teenager we know has been signed by one. My head says, "Never put your daughter on the stage," but my gut says that this is a child who must be allowed to follow her passion and she will never be able to go with the flow.

Sorry OP my pp was off track.

I don't have an autistic DD but I have an autistic DS (20). I would say that support and enabling throughout childhood is really helpful - don't be afraid to be that helicopter parent. At the same time be aware of trying to build independence and do that in as small a steps are they require. Don't think that because they try something once and it's a disaster that it will always be that way, they just might need more preparation or just a bit more time.

At five I would say really focus on helping her learn to read - books can be such a solace, teach autistic kids so many social rules and really help at school as well. Encourage her to have friends round to play, have some activities for them to do together as free play is sometimes difficult or they run out of steam with it - DS found it so much easier to build friendships on a one to one basis doing some structured activities together than in a classroom or playground full of kids.

Around yr 5/6 is when things started getting trickier friendship wise for DS, the gap in maturity suddenly widened and he was left behind. He was quite isolated at secondary school and I think thought he would permanently be quite a 'loner'. He is very happy alone so that wasn't a huge issue for him (although it took me quite a while to accept!) However now he is working in something he loves and is really, really happy. He now has a big group of friends that he mixes with at work and then spends his evenings happily alone decompressing in a small, quiet shared house.

IME autistic adults will be extremely unhappy doing a job that they don't like, do all you can to help them find and encourage their passions. I agree that stem can be great for kids with ASD, it's an area where their way of thinking can be really useful. DS got into programming just before COVID and we took advantage of that time to get him doing lots of courses - now he's a software engineering apprentice.

I did say in my post that it's worth giving someone the chance though. You don't need to be able to do higher level stuff if you're not gifted in that area, there are other types of work to go into with even moderate levels of ability and intelligence. You can't always do what you might like to do because, ultimately, it won't be sustainable. Humans are built to learn skills and it's worth introducing them early to learn skills they might take further in the future. Even something like learning a musical instrument can help to build patience and perseverance, along with the technical skill of actually playing it. I'm just saying that soft skill jobs can be very tough and everything should be done to avoid them unless the individual is absolutely positive they can manage. Teaching them how to be adaptive to changing situations is important too should a change of job or career be required.

While I understand this, it could just be a case of her thinking being very black and white and them trying to help her see the grey. No one wants to be constantly told that they should be vegan because eating meat is murder and to think of the animals being killed for example - even if it is true. I see absolutely no issue with her being corrected on something like that and I say that as someone with a 20 year old DS with ASD. The idea that people are allowed to be completely unreasonable because they have a disability is ridiculous, people with ASD are often perfectly able to learn social conventions - but they often do need them made explicit to them.

Childlike enthusiasm is a compliment that can only be applied to adults otherwise it wouldn't be childlike. Are you one of those people who thinks women over 18 should never be referred to as 'the girls'?

Honestly picking apart such a positive post does no one autistic any favours IMO.

I'm very sorry for any offence caused as it was certainly not intended. I'm not actually neurotypical myself, but I am not autistic and I do accept that my post was written from the perspective of someone who is not autistic.

In my defence, I did not actually say that her autism makes her "behave unreasonably". I said that sometimes her behaviour might be perceived by others as unreasonable, which is not the same thing at all.

As someone who has adhd myself, I accept that I am typically judged by neurotypical standards. That isn't ideal for me but it is the reality of living in a predominantly neurotypical world. And sometimes it is useful to have friends who will give me honest feedback.

My post was not about dd's friend masking with her close friends at all. I have spent my life masking and I know how exhausting that is. I think said friend is generally able to be completely herself with dd and her other close friends. However, she sometimes struggles with interactions with others who she knows less well, and she relies on her friends to help her with these interactions, help her understand if she has interpreted things as they were meant, help her to ensure that her own communications are coming across as she intends etc.

And yes, occasionally her friends do need to call her behaviour out if it is negatively affecting the rest of the group, just as they would call out the behaviour of any other member of the group in a comparable situation. The only difference is that, where they recognise that the behaviour might be related to her autism, they try to be a bit more sensitive about how they approach things. One example was when they all went on holiday together for the first time, and their friend's need to control every last detail was starting to spoil everyone else's enjoyment of the holiday. They had a kind but honest conversation with her and mutually agreed a way forward. This enabled all of them to enjoy further holidays together without issue. I am certainly not suggesting that autistic traits need to be "corrected" for the comfort of people who are not autistic at all. But autistic people, like everyone else, may sometimes need to moderate their behaviour for the benefit of those around them... that's just part of living in society.

Regarding the comment about childlike enthusiasm - I accept that this was maybe the wrong word to use and I apologise if it caused offence. I had no intention of infantilising this young woman. I was trying to capture an aspect of her personality which I personally find very endearing but perhaps it was misjudged.

Agree @TeaAndMadeiraCakecatastrophic and debilitating.

Yes, it reads a bit like, "She masks well and, when she doesn't, her friends pull her back into line."

The price of masking for an autistic person can be burnout and can be quite catastrophic. That's not an exaggeration but I won't elaborate.

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBackAs the mother of an autistic daughter, I find this quite uncomfortable to read. It’s written entirely from a neurotypical perspective, where an autistic person is praised for being accepted despite her autism rather than simply being accepted as herself. Describing her enthusiasm as “childlike” is infantilising, and saying her friends tell her when her autism is making her “behave unreasonably” suggests autistic traits are something to be corrected for other people’s comfort. I’m genuinely pleased she’s happy and has wonderful friends, but I’d encourage you to reflect on the language you’re using.

My dd is not autistic but one of her close friends is. They're now young adults but met as teenagers. She is a really lovely girl and my dd adores her. She has a very solid circle of really good friends who totally accept her as she is - they tell her honestly but without judgement when her autistism is causing her to behave in a way that others might find unreasonable - or sometimes she asks them for feedback - but for the most part, they appreciate her quirkiness, her direct communication style and her somewhat childlike enthusiasm for the things and people who she likes. She is about as loyal and reliable as friends come and very, very sweet towards those that she cares about. She is thriving at uni, excelling in her academic studies and has a lovely boyfriend who dd says treats her with respect and kindness.

It hasn't been an easy road. I know that the early teens were a tough time with a serious eating disorder and other struggles. But she came through it and she genuinely seems to be very happy now.

Yes, I do think that is a huge turning point with autistic daughters. When the outside world hits. That's really hard for them and when the real struggle begins, in my experience. Before that, you can make sure they are supported and their family is likely to be very safe and understanding. The world is really hard by comparison.

to say my 11 year is is an accomplished musician on multiple instrument - but I still bathe her and wipe her bum.

Agree with @TeaAndMadeiraCaketoo

@MyBoldFinchyes 100% speaking from experience my autistic daughter is now 11.5, a huge thing is to support them with their identity - to feel no shame. But the anxiety is just so big.

my DD works so so hard to fit in in some ways - so at home we create her world for her in as much as we can. We are very low demand, we nurture her interests. I should say she is very bright, incredibly academically able - but it won’t matter one bit if she can’t attend school. She’s in school at the moment we’ve had EBSA - we will have more. I will continue to fight for an EHCP and we shall see what’s available for her - it might be we home school.

what I’m trying to say at 5 I knew none of this, I parented differently - bloody hell we both had full time jobs! Now I work for myself, it’s the co-regulation piece it’s huge. You need to build trust, masses of trust - so she can trust you to support her. Have honest open conversations - read books about autism in girls.

no one knows what tomorrow brings but in reality aged 5 her world/ your world are still almost one.. it’s when the outside world hits it is just- I can’t describe it. Look after yourself too in all this.

I'm going to be realistic, as the parent of three autistic children. I think it's right to be hopeful but the reality is, and this is my key message: You'll have to wait and see. Especially with girls, there is a shift in the way social relationships work around the preteen years. That's when it got difficult for my DDs and things started to change and become more difficult. At five, I couldn't have predicted any of how it has worked out. I didn't see any hints of that until the mid-teen years.

At this point you can't know what is going to happen. I have one in almost full time employment, another who will probably never be independent. I also have one who is married and working part-time. They've all been given the same opportunities and support, and the outcomes are just what they are.

My DH is autistic and very successful. Given the family, I expect I'm probably also autistic, but it doesn't really affect me in the wider world. There's really so much variation. Just do your best to give them supports, experiences and, most importantly, accept them for who they are. I think you'll have some stressful times ahead but you just work with what you need to at the time.

ETA: With my DD who will probably never be independent, the thing that scares me the most is her vulnerability. She's very intelligent but a bit naive. From her teen years I've been doing my best to educate her about personal safety, especially when it comes to men who may not have good intentions.

I have an autistic daughter, diagnosed at 4.5. She didn’t speak until she was 6, after her diagnosis we were offered genetic testing to see if a genetic cause could be found, it wasn’t but instead it was found she also has muscular dystrophy. Then she was diagnosed with hypermobility and then with learning disabilities too. She’s almost a teen now, she’s in a specialist unit at a fantastic school, she talks all the time now, mostly about her intense interests but we have some lovely conversations. I still bath her and wash her hair, wipe her bottom, she just would never even think to get a wash of her own accord, doesn’t even enter her head. She is having to use her wheelchair more often as she’s getting older.

I’d say she is around 7/8 years old in her development. She’s such a happy girl. I really hope for her to have some independence as she grows but I have no idea when/if that will be the case. She cannot go out alone as other children her age do, so seeing the other children from her old primary school playing out with friends and going into town shopping or out for food independently makes me sad. She is SO vulnerable. She has some friends within her unit at school but none in the mainstream part. She doesn’t see anyone outside of school though, everyone has always outgrown her eventually. She struggles now the other girls are talking about boys, make up, being on phones, social media etc she just doesn’t understand it all and is still very much all unicorns and rainbows.
She is a talented artist and loves to draw characters that she creates. I have no idea if she will work when she’s older, I have no idea if she’ll ever live independently, it’s all a wait and see game for us. I always have hope though, I never thought she’d speak, I never thought she’d read (she does and she’s an amazing reader and loves it) I never thought she’d be out of nappies (I cried when she used the toilet for the first time, proper big ugly crying!) I’d love her to be fully toilet independent at some point. It’s been a journey and I could fill a whole thread talking about her.

Throughout this journey, I 100% believe I am also autistic. Being in her appointments and speaking to her doctors I can just relate to so much of what they say. It explains so much of my life. I am clearly somewhere else on the spectrum compared to my girl but Autism would explain my lack of friendships, the bullying I suffered, periods of awful mental health struggles, my distress at change and on and on. BUT I do have a first class honours degree (although I almost quit near the end and had a breakdown but I did it) I have a wonderful husband and three beautiful children (2 are autistic) I don’t currently work as I care for them. Their appointments alone are like a full time job never mind everything else that needs doing.

My other autistic child is incredibly bright and academically gifted yet struggles hugely socially, been bullied horrendously and has serious mental health problems. I have spent many parts of my life completely broken. I would love a break sometimes.

My biggest piece of advice is always be their biggest advocate, fight their corner and get the help they need/deserve but also try look after yourself too. Try build a support network around you, we don’t have that and it’s so tough. And if you ever experience bullying that the school will not help with just move schools, it won’t stop and it won’t change. I should have removed my child and it will always be my biggest regret. Also push for help if metal health issues ever arise, I’ve been close to losing my eldest several times and medication has saved him.

So sorry that turned into such an essay.

At five all parents are hopeful for their kids, we have the additional worry that their neurotype will disadvantage them or make it harder for them. Clue: it will be harder for them compared to their peers but… that doesn’t mean she cannot and will not thrive. The challenges she faces can and will make her stronger if she’s armed with the tools to navigate them. Being able to explain scenarios as they arise to allow her to understand behaviours and reactions will really help. Never say things that could sound like she’s being blamed for misunderstandings even if that’s not your intention- giving examples of “someone I know” can often get round that explaining how that person handled the same or similar scenarios.

Who she will become won’t be apparent yet and don’t look for it, allow her to find her way in school and find her people in her time. Have her understand those people will change as she grows older so she doesn’t feel to rejected when friendships move on. Encourage out of school friendships based around hobbies or extra curricular activities (this is important to escape the inevitable bitching and drama that will develop from about age 9 onwards). This worked really well for me and also my daughter .

Career ideas may change weekly or may be fixed from now on so don’t concern yourself with anything like that, even when she’s 17 and sitting exams - she may take longer to be ready for college, work or uni but that doesn’t mean it wont be something she does in time.

The biggest thing I dont see spoken about as much is how much we’re socially and emotionally younger than our peers - well into adulthood. We can be in our 50s and wise as an owl but have the social abilities or understanding of someone in their early 20s - this is where being able to analyse and discuss situations really helps. I learned the hard way but with my daughter when something happens in a group we discuss the dynamics and assess them. Being that kind of literal between us (we call it debriefing) has really helped her develop relationships that have lasted a good few years now.

The other thing I suggest is when she doesn’t have a friend, be her friend. You’re always her mum and that comes first but be someone she’s happy to hang out with too, you might not be sitting on street corners but going to gigs/cinema/for walks etc without motherly authority will her feel a wee bit less lonely.

Agree with this.

I was like her as a child. I did have difficulties growing up but had accommodations made for me despite having no diagnosis (ie eating lunch in a quieter classroom at primary school, and doing exams in a smaller room alone later on).
But now I'm happy and successful. I am married and we bought a house. I don't have many friends but I have a couple of real, close friends who I cherish. I have a good relationship with my parents and enjoy my job.
So things have been hard in some ways but I would never ever change it. I wouldn't want to have lived my life NT at all. I feel like the autism has given me strengths that are rarer and valuable.
All of this to say I think it's lovely you are optimistic and your little girl sounds fantastic

Dd was diagnosed a few years ago.
One thing I wish for is that she had more activities and interests like her friends do. Maybe I should of worked harder to find 'her thing'.
She has a lovely group of friends thankfully, but I see them going and doing activities, trips etc and do feel a bit sad. However, my dd is currently doing 2 activities so we have had progress. (But low key, unlike a lot of her friends with their passions). She's the only one of the group who doesnt want to do French exchange, field trips, school choir, clubs etc

School and anxiety will be the biggest thing - the internalising of anxiety is huge! It’s debilitating. Keep an open relationship at 5 the co-regulation is relatively easy because so much of their world is just you/family… but I feel shit can really start hitting the fan from Year 4 onwards.