AIBU to retire significantly before my husband

That's why I said a conversation about how HE will plan for and prepare. Not the OP.

I retired early and DH still works. He could retire but he likes his job and wants to see certain projects through. He'll probably retire in a year though. I have asked him if he's ever minded me retiring years ago and he's said no. I hated my last years of work and DH says he's happy I put a stop to it. We both have independent finances and contribute equally to all bills.

I would be furious if my husband said he was retiring early and expected me to work for 5 more years. YABU

My OH retired at 42! His job was taking too great a toll on his health. He went on to do bits of freelance to make a bit of money. We downsized as a family to release capital and I upped my hours.

It was the right decision, but the effect on his pension is enormous of course. But I could not watch him go under.

Tbh I think the main thing this points to is it’s almost never possible to ‘even things out’ years later. I know a few people who have made plans on those grounds - one person is a trailing spouse so the others career can prosper, one drops to part time for the kids but they’ll get to have their time in the future etc etc.

Unless it’s very short term it pretty much never works out. The issue here is you are doing more than him now- you’re doing 50/50 childcare and housework but by the sounds of it your hours and stress allocation is more like 70/30. In your mind some of this discrepancy is being ‘banked’ and can be put right in the future, what this is highlighting is he doesn’t see it like that.

So first of focus on the here and now - what is required for your household to function? Is your job one that can go part time? If not, can you re-examine the split between you? I think your household, broadly speaking, has to have everyone working the same amount given their own set of skills and capabilities. So, if one partner has health issues and can only work part time, well then they and their spouse are probably both contributing as much as they can even if the other is full time. It sounds v much like your resentment is coming from the fact your husband is doing less now, and isn’t even appreciative.

So I would start with that, and then look at an even way to handle retirement once it’s resolved.

I don't think the OP is saying she should retire early because she has earned more money, but rather because her job is more stressful and she is feeling burned out.

I think as a general principal, it's perfectly reasonable for one person to retire earlier the other because they have had a physically or mentally more stressful job.

However, you don't know what will happen over the next 10-15 years. One or both of your jobs may have been subsumed by AI. One of you might fall ill. You might get divorced. I wouldn't get worked up about it yet.

You have no idea where you both will be health wise by that point. I’d save these conversations for a bit nearer the time.

Of course you don't have to retire qt exactly the same time. He is being a man baby thinking you are getting something he can't have. The reality is, if he is a bit older, you retire at 55, he retires at 60, it is only 3 years, that you have earned. If he wants to retire younger, time for him to start fully investing in his own future.

Why should it be OP’s responsibility to work that out?

OP i agree with those asking why you cat go part time earlier? A high stress job for so long can’t be good for you.
Gosh to be earning 3-4times in a highly stressful role while his job is low stress he’s looking to retire the same time as you? I would expect his immediate response to be in agreement because he cares about you

If you’re feeling burnt out now, how are you going to sustain work for another 15 years or so? I’d start making changes now so you can maintain your physical and emotional health for the remainder of your working life, however long that might be.

I think retiring roughly the same time is better

and a second plan to work on the stress element of your work

and when having that conversation and working out your sums remember that even lower paid work can still be exhausting or stressful as time goes on - and perhaps he has less stress resilience which is why he was less ambitious for example

you can do what you want op!I'd probably drop to 4 days a week now and then you can at least have a day a week to yourself! then maybe down to 3 days

eventually retiring when you can afford it!

I suppose he can do what he wants too - but if he does the same as you - you're likely to end up in a shit financial position

how would you afford to live?

Do you not like your job? maybe do something less stressful in a few years if you are feeling burnt out

I'm a bit confused how your husband can have such a "low paying job" that you (with 2 kids and the extra expenses) could retire at 55 by only earning 3x that?

If he earns min wage it's about £25k and you're on £75k? That doesn't seem enough

I know you say it's been more at points but you're only early 40s so can't have amassed that much wealth surely

I think they may of been giving their situation and advice (or that’s how took it)

I wouldn’t be happy about partner retiring well ahead of me because I made sacrifices to my pension when on mat leave and when I was out of work for a year due to the extremely tough jobs market. I also did more care and night wakings with our child than him. I couldn’t imagine working full time while he goes out playing golf every day!

However you shouldn’t be feeling burnt out and that can be addressed. Why don’t you switch to a 4 day week for a few years?

Of course we did.
I was delighted for him and strongly urged him to go.

My post is about my honest feelings afterwards. I didn't expect to feel this way and really just have to get on with it.
But my point was that this " inequality" of opportunity can bring out unexpected feelings.

And setting off to work whilst your partner gets ready to spend the morning at their hobby rankles. I'm only human. I want some of that too.

There are advantages, now he does 100 percent of housework, but even so....

This is, of course,the mature way to handle it.

No, early 40s high earner and burnt out

If my husband (who earns double my salary) told me he was retiring early but I could just keep working based purely on my salary I'd tell him to fuck off.
I dont agree there's a direct correlation bw salary and how hard you have to work though. But if you do, then you could maybe transfer to a nice easy minimum wage job instead?

I’m basically retired now at 54 , on long term sick and negotiating voluntary exit - I’ve always planned on being in a position to retire at 55 as I’ve had so many chronic health issues so have prioritised saving etc. DH won’t be able to retire based on his current financial position but is looking to go part time and I have said I am happy to downsize and release his equity from the house and also pay for holidays etc - I’d quite like to have him around more as due to health issues I spend a lot of time alone but thankfully enjoy my own company too.

Didn't you discuss this before it happened though? And talk about how your retirement would work?

I think it would be better to frame the question as “when do you both want to retire?” And then look at what you both need to do to make that financially feasible, hopefully that’ll then expose the gap from his side, and he can decide how he would address that. Rather than dictating to him when he can/should retire.

My DH retired three years ago at 55.
I'm still working.

I had the lower paid job over the years, I did most childcare. My career never had the chance to prosper as much as his due to me being a foreigner. (Language, qualifications etc)
He loved his job and I hate mine.
So I'm not gonna lie, given the circumstances I do feel pretty resentful that HE had this opportunity to retire and not me.

If you’re ’getting burnt out’ now then really you need to think of yourself and perhaps transition into a less demanding job earlier ?