AIBU to retire significantly before my husband

Completely agree.

YANBU He has chosen an easier path for his well-being.
You have the opportunity, because you chose a more stressful career, to retire 5 years before him for YOUR well-being.

You've supported him financially. It's time he reciprocated surely?

Would you say this to a woman who worked full-time but earned less than her husband?

Vocational careers which society wouldn't function without often earn a fraction of what a corporate lawyer or investment banker might earn, but the lower paid one may very well be is a lot more use to society and often a lot less able to keep going physically by age 55 than the higher paid.

This is a very pecuniary thread. It's shocking how many posters measure the value and worthyness of human beings in pounds.

Of course they’re not equal because he doesn’t pull his weight in terms of income. He’s had the option to earn more if he wanted, but instead chose to have an easy life and let his wife take the burden, expecting to be bailed out in terms of savings. He’s being a massive CF to now expect to retire at 55 at her expense!

Good on OP for finally standing up to him and telling him that he needs to pull his weight financially.

This.

She's changed the narrative.

Up until now she's pretended to believe they're equal partners and that she respects him.

Of course he looked disappointed when she said the quiet part out loud and admitted she's never seen him as an equal partner with equal access to their nominally joint finances - in fact she's always tacitly assumed she calls the shots because she earns more - and is now telling him he can't retire when she does but has to keep working.

She's pulled the rug right out from under him because they've been pretending to be an equal partnership and she's just told him that's not actually how she sees it, actually it's all about money.

I think it's great to have these discussions early, but also to be open to how things might change. I went from high pressure corporate job to high pressure self-employed, to a mix of high pressure self-employed and hobby self employed. Now mid 60s and only doing the hobby self-employed, as and when I want to. I couldn't have anticipated any of that in my early 40s.

If he can financially back himself he can retire whenever he wants? OP hasn’t said he’s not allowed to, the point is he’s made no effort to plan for his future and is even letting his wife pay his pension and savings for him 😬 that would be such a massive turn off for me, a man that can’t support himself. So he can’t retire early because he doesn’t have the backing. It can’t be said she’s not supported him!

She’s made the effort and if she can afford to retire early then she absolutely should.

Why are you doing 5050 and putting everything in a shared pot and then surprised he thought you'd retire at the same time with the same money?

I think it would make sense to try find a different or less stressful job first vs retiring so young. If he had a problem with that he's an arse.

But I get the impression OP doesn't want him to retire as early as her due to resentment, and I don't think thats the right way to handle a marriage.

And she’s his wife, he loves her and surely wants her to be happy? She’s suffering from high stress and heading for burnout while he has an easy stress free job. Why would he not want her to be able to retire?

You're right- I know nothing about your and your husband. My comment was in response to your post, and the OP's thread. OP earns more than her husband, she should make provisions alongside her family to take care of herself.

You don't know anything about my situation. Both my husband and I work.

I would rather be in my situation than resentful and penny pinching towards my husband.

Not everyone can have a super high paying career, and multiple times when my husband has considered another job with more money I have said he needs to be happy, and asked if it's worth him being away from home/having a worse work life balance, because hes my husband and I love him.

I retired 5 years before my DH but I am 2 years older, I also took out a pension at 21, he started his at 26. It not too early to talk about how retirement works. TK be a success unless you are rolling in cash requires planning. I started thinking generally about it at 21. The age to retire was 60 for women then so early was 55 which I did do.

It’s not too young to retire if you have plans, we toured for almost 2 months last year. Should have been at least 3 but MIL was unwell. Before that I threw myself in to volunteering, still do a bit they are very flexible. I’m away now.

You either see the merit in the argument you are making yourself or you don’t @Iampondering people are reflecting your position back to you and you are getting defensive on behalf of your DH.

It doesn’t matter what any of us think but it should matter what you think. Personally I firmly believe your suggestion was absolutely fair you are doing the absolute grind now to get time back later while you your DH is taking the time now and very selfishly IMHO, disagrees with you.

Similar situation here. DH has a job he says he can do for the next 20 years. My job pays 3 or 4 times what his does but long hours/high stress means there is absolutely no way I could do it for that long. We're financially planning so that I can take a significant step back in 5-10 years. I won't retire until he does, but I should be able to work part-time and in a less stressful role. Seems fair and he has absolutely no objections.

It’s none of you business though is it? It’s not relevant to the question she’s asking in any way shape or form. She can sit on her arse all day long if she wants and can afford to!

Sorry but this from you is the epitome of the countless women on MM who "pooled" money with their husbands / partners / boyfriends and then come on here when they are truly and utterly f*cked when they split and the woman is left with little, or nothing. Because she has invested in her partner, their kids and their life and didn't make a plan.

There is nothing wrong with a woman who is planning and thinking about the future. She might include her husband and kids in that planning, good. She should also consider "what if?". "What if" happens every single day and hundreds of times on MM every single week. She is burnt out and even if she could muster up another 10 years which is great for her private pension, savings etc., it's shit and I don't blame her for wanting to figure how to get out.

55 is not young to semi-retire. I have a financial plan in place to semi-retire at 55. And, like OP, have spent the last couple of years working through that plan and like OP, earn a shit load more than my partner. OP planning now means she might not need to live frugally for the rest of her life. She could raise kids, be with or without her husband and still feel and be financially secure because she has planned for her future now while she can. Good for her!

I don’t think it’s even remotely fair that he gets a comfortable lifestyle at your expense now if there’s no reward for you at some point. A high stress level can be an early killer and you may find you don’t live as long as him if you continue this lifestyle. I would
feel the same if the tables were turned btw. If he is going to resent this (and I do understand why he might) then there needs to be a discussion where by he either takes on more domestic work so your work hours are more similar, works towards a promotion or extra hours or he spends even less so that you can afford for him to retire at the same time as you.

Nope, my view would be the same. If you have put yourself out and worked your arse off in a long hours, stressful job, you deserve to reap the rewards for that. If someone else chooses the easy path which affords less money, they don’t automatically deserve to benefit from the other person. While there may well be some imbalance where the higher earner provides some financial subsidy, and shares their extra wealth, I don’t think that should necessarily be the case if that other person really is providing NOTHING else. This guy isn’t a stay at home dad raising the kids, he just doesn’t want to work as hard as his wife but expects all the benefits. SOME benefits, yeah ok… but to essentially completely share all her earnings to the point of having her pay into pensions and ISAs for him?! Just no. And I’d feel the same if it was reversed.

What are you going to do all day instead of work? Won't you be quite bored?

You're not unreasonable to say you want to retire from your job at 55 but you are unreasonable to suggest he keeps on going. The good thing is you have plenty of time to keep talking about this. For instance presuming you have a mortgage that might be paid off by the time you reach 55... would you consider working part time doing something much less stressful to pay for day to day expenses after 55? Or could you invest wisely now so neither of you needed to work? Or could you meet him half way with the age so you work a little longer and he retires a little sooner than planned? This is just the beginning of the conversation that you both need to keep on having. I imagine he reacted in shock when you first suggested it. He needs time to get his head around what you'd like to do. I can see why he might think your suggestion implies you deserve to finish sooner than him because you bring more to the table. He probably felt you were happy with the status quo until now. If it was the other way round ie he was the main breadwinner and he wanted to retire early and let you carry on working how would you feel about that? You're a partnership.. he needs to feel that you still see things that way.

Agree. The answers on this thread would be totally different if genders were reversed. Marriage is about so much more than financial equity. Partners each bring different things to the table. As long as over the whole marriage you are both averaging out your 50% then you are equal. So OP might earn more, but I bet there is an aspect of their relationship or life that he is “better” at. I know that’s what it’s like in my marriage.

Remember, OP - never, ever put what you need first because you're just a host who exists to be parasitised.

I think the attitude on this thread is quite sad and not how marriage should be. At times I have had more money than my husband and vice versa, it's always just been our money.

If I earnt 3x as much as him, it makes more sense for us both to work 18 months longer and then retire together vs him work 5 more years.

I also think 55 is very young to retire and you might get bored or old before your time? Especially if you plan to live frugally for the rest of your life. I would want to do something so I could help my children with house deposits or save for private medical expenses.