3 year old food refusal, worrying the life out of me

My ds went through a phase like this around the same age I believe, he too would eat everything at nursery.
Overtime he grew out of it, I think one thing that worked for me was saying you can have your usual toast if you just try a bit of this other food. I said he had to at least try it even if he didn't want it.
Half of the time he would taste it and like the new food.
Of course the other thing that also worked was offering dessert if he ate a bit of everything, however that may lead to an expectation of dessert after every meal.

She is trying out control. Put the food down and everyone in the house sits down to exactly the same meal. If you think/worry about what she might eat put a little piece of baked potato on everyone's plate. Ignore her food issues, clear away when everyone else has finished, including her plate. Serve pudding in same way.

Never comment on how much left/eaten. Keep it all calm and normal. She will copy at some point, just like at nursery.

It’s not going to be AFRID if she’s eating a wide variety if stuff at nursery. Can you chat to them to confirm this is definitely the case and they’re not just genetically saying she’s had ‘half’ when actually she only ate the plain potato? Presuming it is then I’d give her a multivitamin and make healthy family meals that you all eat together and can be deconstructed (like your chilli with jacket potato example) so no pressure but the option is always there to try and there is always something filling she’s likely to eat on her plate. Limit snacks to set times- mid morning, mid afternoon and make sure they’re appropriately portion e.g. one cheese string and one slice of watermelon so they’re snacks and not meal replacements.

It’s ARFID stands for Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder.

Well it worked with all 3 of ours, including DS2 with autism and food sensory issues.

A biscuit or small piece of cake for trying all foods at the meal table is fine. The fruit/yoghurt are always on offer.

Does she like candy or ice cream?

Have an ARFID DC - there is a clear sensory pattern around acceptable foods, it started much earlier (like age 1) and there is obvious anxiety about new foods and they wouldn't eat at nursery or if they weren't offered safe foods. I think this sounds more like typical toddler fussiness but appreciate it is really frustrating and hard to deal with. Maybe have a chat with nursery and check she is definitely eating well there and maybe ask health visitor for any advice but otherwise I think try not to panic and reduce the anxiety at mealtimes

For three years my DD would eat:
Cucumber, strawberries, white bread, chips, chicken nuggets, yoghurt, and chocolate. She drank orange juice and milk. The GP told me to give these foods daily and offer tastes of what we were eating without fuss or pressure, and have regular weigh ins.
Eventually she extended her range little by little. She's now a grown woman, healthy as can be and eats a fairly varied, if unadventurous diet. All the worrying I did was pointless and it turns out, unecessary.

Sorry but rewarding with sweets is a terrible idea. It reinforces the idea that main courses are a necessary evil to get through. We give yoghurt and fruit regardless if my daughter eats anything, we don't want her to consider some feeds as good or bad.

Ive got one who’s borderline afrid and a younger one who is going through a picky phase.
Doing something with the food helps e.g making fruit kebabs or having something to dip food in.
Avoid any stress around food.
It’s easy to tell the difference between picky and major issues as the picky child will eat most things when hungry but the child with afrid will starve.
Both will eat more or try more at school or nursery as they are with their peers and there’s less pressure.

@mrssnow7 its quite a normal phase.

She tries things at nursery but at home you have taught her that if she refuses to try things she gets what she wants as you make her pasta.

Just serve her what you're having and if she is good and tries things then she gets the yummy pudding (cake or biscuit) but if she doesn't try then she can have natural yoghurt with fruit for pudding.

Don't make a big deal out of it. Just sit at the table and chat as normal.

Oh and I'd go cold turkey on the cheese strings, crisps etc - don't have them available. You want to make sure that the little she does eat is nutritious, even if it means watermelon everyday.

My god I hope you aren't a parent. You are abusive if you are and you smack.

OP I think it's pretty common. What about if you serve a jacket potato or plain pasta alongside whatever you are having as a family meal? No pressure to try the family meal but she has the safety of the potato or pasta. But no alternatives or snacks. This works as a compromise for my daughter. And exposure is so key. Eat as a family as much as you can. no focus on the food, no rewards or pressure.
I'd probably see the GP as it sounds like she is deficient in iron, good to get her tested. Hard when she is so limited in eating sources of iron. What does she have for breakfast? if she eats porridge, try Ready Brek and add ground nuts and seeds. Charlotte Stirling-Reed on Instagram has some good posts about sneaking in iron for kids,

@mrssnow7 - I second this. I have this with my eldest (now 13). It started at 20 months before this he ate absolutely everything expect beetroot! GP was very dismissive and only when we went private we had some help. I hope your GP helps more and don’t be afraid to push back. I was told “well I have seen children with more restrictive diets than your son” and he hate less than the things you listed on your post.

My sister ate nothing but bananas and spagetti hoops for a whole year but she survived and was healthy and happy. Our GP always said just offer little snack plates with a mix of familiar and unfamiliar foods. Do t give it directly to the child just set it beside them while they are colouring or watching tv. No pressure no comment . He also said never fight or show stress to the child around their eating habits but instead of panicking they’ve eaten nothing but cheese strings for a day look at their overall diet over a period of three weeks or so and you will be surprised how much variety they actually get and usually it does cover all the food groups and their nutritional needs. It’s likely just a phase but if you’re concerned throw in a multi vitamin daily and keep a food diary for six weeks and then have a chat with your health visitor or doctor. Kids are delightful but they definitely worry the life out of is sometimes. X

Don't feel guilty. You gave her food and she didn't eat it. Tell her she should have tried her dinner, then she wouldn't be hungry. Don't give snacks. Being hungry for a few hours between meals won't hurt her.

Please don’t suggest smacking her child!!!!! The legal definition is it can be used as reasonable punishment! 3 year olds are known for smacking it’s a age appropriate behaviour so smacking is not a reasonable punishment! If she tells nursery that mummy has smacked her she will be getting a social services call!!!

I would suggest a firm “you’ve hurt mummy” then turning your back on her and walking away if she hits out at you.
Re the food I wouldn’t think it would be ARFID or she would be refusing food at nursey. I would put other foods on the plate with the pasta or jacket potato and let her see you eating them so she knows they are safe, lots of oo this is yummy mummy is really enjoying this.

Absolutely! Meet violence with violence and teach that as a way to resolve frustrations. Thus providing with the child with a transferable skill that will enable her to fit right into school and beyond.

Mine is nearly 4 and at first ate everything. From when he turned one he just stopped and has such a restricted diet now. He's awaiting assessment and I'll also be asking about an ARFID diagnosis too. He's very sensory sensitive and foods are a battle. I hope for your sake it's just a fussy phase but keep an eye on it just in case.

Sounds like you've taught her to like sugar so that's what she demands. I don't think it's a medical issue or anything other than you're too accommodating and you've created a monster situation for yourself.

The fact she doesn't act like this at school is a dead give away that it's an environmental/parenting issue.

She's a toddler. I think you're overthinking it and panicking so, yes, go to the GP and hopefully they will help you to stop overreacting to what is very typical at this age i.e. fussy eating etc.

Honestly my kids ate everything, but my friends 3 year old lived on milk, cucumber and cheese for a year...l think you just have to roll with it, hes 30 now and perfectly healthy.

We had the same with dd1 minus watermelon even, still isn’t a fruit eater.

it was difficult, not pretending otherwise but I rebuilt her diet over literally 10 years using every trick in the book, sheer bribery much of the time. She now eats most vegetables and pulses, still a bit fussy and now is vegetarian but she’s healthy, perfect weight these days (was underweight). The main message is keep on trying but we have fortified milkshakes to boost nutrition too. It’s difficult but very common too

My DA was like this and I used to get wound up. The best advice I ever had was to serve the meal, then walk away or look away. She eats it or she doesn’t and you just take it away without comment and then give her fruit or yogurt or whatever she usually gets. Don’t withhold the dessert if she doesn’t eat the meal.
Dont react at all even though it’s really hard - they are just trying to control something because at 3 they don’t have anything else within their control. It’ll pass if you act entirely unbothered.

Yeah that poster sounds horrific! It just proves that the bar for parenting is so very, very low that you can congratulate yourself for being a great mum if it never crossed you mind to hit your child for not eating properly.