After 17 years of supporting my wife's career, am I wrong to expect the same?

You go for it. It's your turn to be selfish for 12 months. If you don't, you will regret it and thats when resentment sets in and corrupts your happy relationship.

I think it will harm them if their mother spends a year feeling hard done by and the kids pick up on that.

I think they will really miss their father given that he is a strong day to day presence in their life and no technology replaces that physical connection.

However I think if the mother buys in and this becomes an adventure and they have countdowns to Dads visits home or their trips over and regular phone chats and really good support at home then the impact could be much smaller.

This is a company he already works for and not an American one and I think that his holiday allocation would still stand or he could have it written into the terms

It’s not a year without the children seeing their dad, is it? They’Ve got long school breaks - about 18- 20 weeks, and on that money, everyone can fly and stay in comfort and pay for additional help or fly grandparents out as well. I mean, I would definitely do it, and I cannot see why you wouldn’t and why your wife would not be delighted for you.

@joshkenn honestly I’d just take it. With those salaries you can easily afford to outsource help in Madrid. Get help lined up, get the family to come over during school holidays and you can fly over between holidays to top it up.

Plenty of families deal with this in far worse circumstances. This is essentially luxury, temporary migration. Everyone will be fine.

I think this situation has also brought up feelings I've ignored for years. I often prioritize her family's events because they're important to her, while she rarely comes to mine if work conflicts. Last month I attended my older sister's 50th birthday alone because she had an event. My parents sometimes tell me they wish they saw the grandkids more, but most of our family time naturally ends up with my wife's side because we live here.

I hope your kids see your parents as frequently as possible, as it is/was your responsibility to nurture their relationship with your family even if logistically it was more challenging.

From a work perspective I would tell her you really need this to rediscover yourself beyond a life built to slot into her home country, her family, her work commitments. Shift the conversation from if you should it to how you can do it.

How will it harm them any more than their mother travelling monthly does, though?

Going against the grain here but it sounds like you both have plenty of money. If work is not about money then it’s about fulfilment and ego.

Are you not fulfilled? Or is this your ego?

If this would change your life and set up your financial future then of course you should do it. But it sounds like that’s already set. So what’s the point. To leave your family for a year for what?

The "one thing" you want will harm your dc though.

It's really not equivalent.

@joshkenn honestly that comes across that you are very much family oriented. I don’t agree with others trying to imply that you are not, your actions have demonstrated significant commitment to your family and your wife.

However this choice will affect your children arguably the most.

I think lots of situations require this uncertainty of there being no real wrong or right in the situation but you really must consider what your children are likely to experience if you are away for a year and if the very worst outcome that this drives a wedge in your marriage happens in the future.

You are not in control of those outcomes once you fully decide on this. The best possible outcome is that you and your wife get back together on the same page and make a combined decision because her feeling like she has that input is very much going to impact your children especially if you go.

God how much money do you actually need? You both earn more in a year than some people earn in a lifetime. You talk as if you're supporting your wife in a hobby but you're surely living a life of complete security and luxury because of her salary. And you're also earning a small fortune. I think you're inventing problems for yourself.

I think your family should move with you to the US for the year, it would be a family adventure, your kids could go to an international school for a year, and your wife could still fly back for the Swiss and other events.

I get why you're frustrated.

I’m surprised you would be so happy to leave your wife and kids for that long of a stretch. Companies in the US barely give any annual leave at all, and you’d be a what, 12 hour flight away from them? Your wife travelling for her work is not the same as that.

Your wife goes away each month, insists you live in Spain so she has family around her and lots of family and your support so she can do her job

Would I be correct in thinking that anything her work asks of her she doesn’t think about because she has always got people running around behind the scenes making it all possible

What you are asking means for a year she will have to think about what you have to think about everytime she goes away
even just basic things like cooking dinner each night, cleaning and laundry
Also thinking about logistics and where dc are, where they need to get to and what they need to do and not just leave the house for work for the day, for the night or for 2 weeks each month and for a year she will also need to facilitate taking dc to visit their other grandparents

A year sounds a long time but if it is broken up into segments and with FaceTime and international travel it’s not that long.

I have a friend who went abroad (5 hour flight away) for 2 years. Dc and dh came to her every holiday for varying amounts of time (sometimes just for the weekend) or she would fly home for short stays, FaceTime and calls became the routine.

Her only issue was coming back and fitting back into family life.

I think for your wife all she sees is the extra work she will have to do and that after the year is up she might not be the main earner and with that, not be in the position to just expect things will always be her way or the highway

I do think sitting down with your wife and dc and working out logistics, different routines and scenarios and visits both ways might help you all navigate the year ahead.

Whilst you both earn an awful lot of money I think the bonus could give you a huge boost if spent/invested wisely

I think your dc are the key to making these things go smoothly. If they are happy and can see a purpose in what the bonus money is spent on making their lives better.

Being able to travel and see different parts of the world with parents who can take more time off to be with them.

It might be bribery but if every visit they get to do something special with you in LA, that is the key to keeping everyone happy.

Why don't you just ask for the opportunity without framing it as something you feel deserve after all the 'sacrifices' you've made and implying your wife is selfish?

I think you need to explain how strongly you feel about this opportunity. I hope she can see the bigger picture and that you are able to agree on a solution.

Go do the job and see where your marriage lands.

I think the issue here is that she didn’t say ‘wow what a great opportunity! How can we make it work?’ considering your finances travelling over for the summer/school holidays wouldn’t be an issue and you could plan regular trips back or them to you. A year is different to two weeks or whatever every year, no one is denying that, but it should be a discussion and looking at how it can be done to minimise disruption and give you a chance to develop your career.

I think you should go for it. I fear you will always regret it if you don't. As you say, it's only for 12 months.

But be aware that it may change your relationship with your wife if you're apart for too long. I would advise you take frequent short breaks during the year, if possible, to return to Spain and see your family. And, of course, they could go to visit you during their school holidays.

I hope your wife will see your point of view and that you have a wonderful year.

Maybe clumsily expressed on my part. I wasn’t referring specifically to the year away situation, more the general unfairness and lack of two-way compromise.

My point being that a woman who’s unconditionally supported her husband’s career - to the extent of moving countries and having less contact with her own family - and for years prioritised a home-based caregiving role in order to facilitate his constant travel, would not be unreasonable to want some support herself in the face of such an opportunity.

I think it’s important for you to confirm the specifics - first it was a year, then it was 10 months, you haven’t said how much time you’ll be able to travel or host them in California… if these are the sorts of conversations you’re having with your wife, I can see why you’re going in unproductive circles.

It sounds entirely possible you’ll be there longer as the bonus is an ‘if’. It’s a massive bonus which means someone thinks it’s totally plausible it won’t happen or will take longer or some other complication.

I also didn’t understand that you’re expecting your wife to quit her job to facilitate this as she won’t be able to travel for a year. That’s a massive, massive change.

I still maintain you have plenty of money so I can’t quite see what’s worth it about upending your entire family and relationship. I genuinely can’t imagine having the kind of money you already have and thinking it’s not enough. I would think it’s a great chance to think about cutting down to spend more time with your family before they’re all out of the house - for both of you to be clear.

I think that, for the purposes of this thread, you should have name changed to TableForJuan.

I’m sorry if you’ve covered this and I’ve missed it, but what are your wife’s reasons for saying no to this year away?

Will you actually get enough leave to spend time with your children?

A year away is a long time to rarely see your children.