After 17 years of supporting my wife's career, am I wrong to expect the same?

Haven’t read the whole thread. I don’t think YABU at all.

There are ways to work around but she has to be willing to. you can afford to fly regularly to see each other and as you said, the kids can stay with you during some of their holidays. I’m sure with all her travel she’s accumulated a healthy amount of air miles and you’re not exactly poor.
how much her family can help with the 8yr old?
something to be mindful of- the 9 hour difference is tricky to manage for daily calls. I’m also on the west coast and funny enough have family in Madrid. I have to make time my morning/ their afternoon evening (which is tricky as I have to get ready for the day etc) or speak late my night/ early their morning which can be difficult for them if they have to get ready for school/ work.

Look OP - youre never ever going to win on here, its mumsnet - and youre a bloke. Well done for trying though! 😂

Do i think your BU? Not really. Sounds like you want to do this for yourself and why not, if you put a solid plan in place - it can work - i moved to be with my husband and i see it as a sacrifice too. I have friends where one parent lives in another country due to work and they return every school holiday for two weeks, i have a close friend who has 3 kids and sees her husband 3-4 times a year only due to his postings - it works if you have a solid plan. You will have the money for them to come to you and vice versa - it can work - is whether or not both of you want it to work. I used to work away every month for a week at a time for the best part of 16 years, my husband did all the childcare (and still does the bulk as i work crazy hours now - no travel tho) - if he suddenly said he had a similar opportunity, i would encourage him to go.

You are pretty unlikely to have stayed in your own country, you met in London, have had a good career, most of those people don’t end up movng back to the Netherlands ( I think) after the study to build their career there. There would have been sacrifices for moving back, it seems unlikely you’d have been raising children near your mum anyway , or not with those careers. It’s really quite common to move to the woman’s country before having babies if you move to someone’s country, you’d quite likely have had to find a Dutch woman to marry and have kids with (if it’s Dutch, don’t jump on me if I don’t remember the country right)

Did he not mean his mother was unwell and can't fly? Rather than the children.

He doesn't seem to think they need to see him for a year. Mum clearly has her own job that involved him being available to help with the kids, so I am unsure how this would work for both of them if he is changing his side of the marriage that has been working to date. Maybe the eldest can board and the youngest is more manageable. If there has to be a new plan for the kids they are going to feel upended anyway. I wouldn't be happy to take a family into America given the raids on aliens Trump does. They may hear the accent and jump to conclusions. I wouldn't go there myself let alone take the kids.

He left you in another country for a year while he went to all of those?
Kudos to you, I don't know many mum's who would put up with that with sick children who can't fly like OP.

I have not gone to see the outcome of the voting. It is not going to change anyone’s mind. There are well argued opinions for both sides.

I suggest you move away from the board. Entrenched views are not going to change. Just know that there are people who agree with you. Adventures are worth seeking out. I hope your wife can be persuaded.

Good luck.

YANBU. I would sit down with your DW and tell her you would really like to take up this opportunity, so let's work together to sort out a plan so we can make it work. If that means @joshkenn flying back for a long weekend each month, or DW and the DC flying over for a week every 3 months, buying in help with housework and childcare etc., then that's what you do.

I would just try and get your DW to understand that this is important to you, but that you will do whatever it takes to make sure that you make it as easy on her and the DC as possible.

It's unreasonable of her to dismiss it out of hand. I don't know if it's unreasonable of her to say no to.
I think your lives are very far from my circle and I imagine that the kind of earnings you both have mean one parent doing solo parenting at home for a few weeks while the other travels for work are very different to my experience of solo parenting for periods.
I wouldn't move to another country away from my DC for a year, even with prospect of monthly trips home. My DH wouldn't either.
I think you need to talk about it. If you don't go that doesn't mean you have to continue with the status quo either.

of course there are careers where people need to be away for long periods and they manage. But you are aware of this when you choose a spouse with this kind of career. My BIL needs to relocate every 3 years due to my sister's career - does not mean my DH should just shut up and accept it, no discussion, if I suddenly wanted to do the same.

I think most of those responding here don't understand the lifestyle of those in the military, working off shore, working on cruise ships, parts of the entertainment industry, and many others. There are lots of careers that involve working away for longer periods of time, as your wife sometimes does now. It doesn't make it any less difficult to leave family at home, but it works for many people and you have been present for their lives so far. Your kids will be fine, they are resilient and it is so much easier now than it used to be to stay in contact with video calls etc.

However you need a supportive partner to make it work. And your wife isn't in that place yet. Completely get where you are coming from, it isn't fair for her to expect you to always be the constant at home and not give you one period for your career. But that doesn't mean she can or will accept it. Her normal has been to know she can work erratic hours, that will change for a significant period if you go.

It may have been better to reframe the question to her that you have a work opportunity you want to do in LA, would she like you and the family to go with you for the year, or stay at home and you'll visit monthly. Rather than if you go. As you seem determined you want to do it. However, assuming that time has passed, you likely need to sit down and speak to her about what logistically you need in place to support her while you are away. Along with the plan of when you will be back, and when you would like them to visit. You are both very high earners, so will likely need to pay for childcare/home support for this period.

Try not to risk appearing like you are throwing the full responsibility of the childcare at her for this period. Yes, you have done it so far, but it's a massive change that she obviously isn't prepared for. It may be reasonable for her to 'take her turn' but it isn't your family norm. Look at what support is needed, speak to your children for their perspectives, speak to family to see what they are prepared to/can offer, and outsource the rest.

You can do it, many others do and its just a one time thing. But for the future of your relationship try to get her on board as much as possible, rather than battle through

Being the primary caregiver would Spanish courts allow him to take dc to the US for the year and enrol dc in an international school.

Why would they need the court? What are you trying to suggest here, are you alright?

I think OP desired/expected a long thread of women telling him his wife was being selfish in saying no, planning to then share the thread with her to show her how wrong she was...

OP, you're frustrating to discuss with because, despite your excellent English, you continually miss the point anyone is making if they haven't wholly affirmed you.

That would be absolutely fine if they were all under 10, but it would really mess up teen’s education.

I’d say that this could also be an amazing opportunity for your kids. So maybe they’d want to try school in the states for a year. I’ve had students that did this for a year and it changed their whole lives in an amazing way. So she could be the one at home and you’d travel to LA with the kids for a year. It might not be as black and white as people here might assume.

Talk to everyone not just your wife.

Agreed

I think that most of the answers are not shocking. Most are saying that it needs proper objective discussion and approaching without resentment as a starting point.

It's really not the same, though - leaving for a whole year to a different continent is very different from regular travel. I don't think most parents would even consider such a job opportunity, certainly not those who've been the primary caregiver. So I get that your DW would be surprised by the idea and her initial reaction is refusal. I do think she owes it to you to consider the idea and talk it through rather than flat out reject it. I also think there needs to be some benefit to the family to balance your absence for so long - you already have plenty of money - will it bring them any benefits?

I must admit, I am actually really shocked at the answers.

I dont think its unreasonable at all to put your own career first for 1 year if you have let your wife put hers first for the last 18 years.

OP, has your wife completely said no to the idea of you going to the US for a year?

I'm totally on your side op. My DH was offered an amazing career opportunity where he would get to Travel to Japan, Australia and the Bahamas (places we hadn't yet been) and parts of Spain. It was an absolute no brainier for me, personally. My children were alot younger than yours at 3,5 and 9. I think opportunities like you have been offered, should be taken.

That’s an awful lot of very specific and very outing information.

Another one who is Team LA here. You and your wife both earn huge amounts of money so there should be no difficulty with buying in childcare or indeed with affording regular trips back and forth. I would certainly say the same if you were female and you had trailed your husband. If your DCs were still tiny, i would advise differently but the youngest is 8.

8 too young, agreed.
Op did not raise this as possibility.

Boarding?! ... these children are settled where they are. Dad goes off and they get shipped off ... no way is that going to have a good outcome! They are not parcels!!

I’m just not sure of any of these plans for him going back every month or the kids staying. It’s a massive job with a huge success contingent bonus, so it’s obviously far from a given the op can pull it off. From what I see of these jobs there is no personal time. You’re available 24/7. There’s no regular leave much less extra leave. There’s no school holidays, if you can fit in a week off the timing is when it works for the project, not when school holidays are. If something blows up then you’re there, and if you have your 3 kids staying with you then you have to leave them and go, because this is the job. Coming over to visit and seeing a total stranger nanny instead of dad is not going to be an amazing experience, they won’t be going to Disney land, and dad will either cancel his monthly trip or spend it on the phone. The marriage will obviously suffer hugely if these are all broken promises.