AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

It was definitely a tricky scenario. I get where you’re coming from. It must have been jarring to have your private breakfast crashed, even if inadvertently.

I would have been very embarassed if I’d been the ‘new girl’ clumsily blundering in to your breakfast and told I was not welcome to join.

However think she’s a bit of a trouble maker. She’s only just tentatively joining this group and she’s already accusing an established friend of ‘bullying’.

You’re right to feel uncomfortable about her.

but as she was the 'new person' once, presumably she thought you had done the same as 'intro friend' and brought along a new person to the group, rather than assuming you and unrelated friend were having a completely separate meet up.

I agree with the majority, if you and unrelated friend were, for example, sitting in the park or in a different coffee shop then it would be weird and rude for her to join your conversation. Given you were in the same shop you always meet in shortly before everyone else turned up, it's reasonable for her to have assumed that you were just early, like she was.

It was weird of you to meet your other friend in the same place. What would you have done if other friend's conversation carried on longer than you expected and the rest of the group turned up? told her 'sorry mate just going to cut you off there, nice seeing you but my other mates are here now so I'll leave you to sit with them?'

Intro friend was rude to add her friend to the group chat initially though.

"This woman then takes offence to this and is now making accusations of bullying which seems rather unfair."

Has the woman made accusations of bullying? Or has the intro friend/group simply taken it as such after she described OP's actions?

Depends on the context doesn't it...and what has gone before.

If she had walked in, seen you, not spoken to you, and gone to sat elsewhere, it would have seemed a little odd.

You don’t like her, I doubt you were having a private conversation, and I suspect your dislike oozes out of you at regular meetings.

An "abrupt tone" is not being polite, imo

It's incredibly rude what you did to someone you are acquainted with and is a friend of a friend. 'This is a private conversation'?! Was it really? No, you just don't like her.

I've never met an adult who would behave this way in a cafe. To a stranger maybe but not to someone you know. Who's done nothing wrong other than not being to your taste character wise.

Yeah but as many people have said here, it was a poor choice of venue and time to be having this 'very personal' conversation during which new girl was shooed away...and the regular coffee crowd will think the same.
They will also know that OP wouldn't have reacted the same way to any of the others in the group. She would have done what adults in a public place do and wrap up the all-important chat to be polite to the third party.

If the other conversation was that sensitive and private then OP should not have arranged to have it just before, and in the same venue as, the bigger coffee group meetup.

It should have been obvious that there would be overlap - anyone arriving early for the second would naturally make a beeline for someone else in the coffee group who they assumed was also early. I wonder if, had it been anyone else from the coffee group, OP would have rudely turned them away?

What it comes down to is that it's rude to pull a "you can't sit with us" move. If you're having a 1o1 conversation with a friend, and someone you know comes to say hi, you park the conversation you were having and welcome them in. Especially as the entire situation was predictable based on where you arrange to have the first conversation!

Ironic that OP calls the other woman a boor when the only boorish behaviour I see here is her own.

What's definitely rude is that OP was either going to:
Cut other friend off at 10 sharp and ditch her for the other group
or
Carry on her side meeting while the other group cracked on and continue to ignore them even though she knew they would be there
or
Cut short this private conversation and bring her over to the main group thereby inserting other friend into the established group which is exactly what she objected to someone else doing months ago

If it's an informal arrangement with a group of 5-10 people, and you were having breakfast in the cafe where you all usually meet, I'm guessing the woman who came to join you simply wasn't aware that your breakfast was 'private'. She probably thought you'd just brought a friend along for the meet-up (much as she was brought along by someone initially) and that you were just the first ones to arrive.

So, yeah, making a big deal about it being a 'private breakfast' was a bit twattish of you I think, and I suspect your tone was arsey. She just misunderstood, that's all. Yeah, it's annoying to have someone join you when you don't like her, but I think you're being a bit harsh talking about her 'plonking herself down' and intruding when she clearly had no idea that she was actually doing that.

If in a group and am not willing to tolerate someone who is boring, I'd just not go. I can control my own actions but I shouldn't try to control someone else's.

I agree.

@Ano1n I think everyone just needs to grow-up and be nice to one another.

But again, what makes it rude?

Some conversations are private and others coming in is not appropriate. That's not rude - rude would be trying to insert yourself into a private conversation

In a group where there's precedent for other to bring someone along, where OP says herself the group is fluid? I'm sure I'd assume they were the group I was supposed to be meeting. I might be wrong, and could live with being corrected, but I'd expect it to be done kindly, as I'd be embarrassed to have made the mistake.

I'd say the group is well aware of the ubdertone to the way OP treats this new group member, which is why there's talk of bullying, rather than a misunderstanding.

I'd reply saying, "No bullying was involved. I was meeting a friend separately from the group and we were having a private conversation about something which was very personal. I'd planned to meet our group after that, and this is what I said to Name."

It’s both

So by your logic, what should this lady have done? If I was meeting a group of friends in the pub at 8pm, walked in, and one of them was already seated at the bar having a conversation with someone, the first thing I'd do is go up, say hi, order a drink. What I would not do is sit at the opposite end of the bar ignoring them until the stroke of 8. That's a bit bonkers.

Yep either way could have been seen as rude. Go over to greet Jane and her companion (who could easily be a new group member, seeing as they are at the same place for meet up) - offended OP as per this post.

Arrive at cafe, see OP and friend, wave and go to sit alone at a separate table? Seen as rude and standoffish (Sandra sat by herself until the rest of the group arrived, she must not like OP!)

She could have said “hi, OP, shall I join you or are you having a separate catch up first,” but still can see where confusion has occurred.

Were you clearly sat at a table for 2 so it was obvious you weren’t waiting for more people, OP?

Why is it rude rather than factual?

She said it was a private conversation. That comes across as rude.

Maybe the friend she was meeting also needed support and privacy, why does one person’s supposed needs trump another’s?

OP explained the situation, the other person only had to wait 15 mins and she would have other people to sit with.

It just feels like a misunderstanding. She probably assumed you were early like she was so came to join you.
You don’t like her so I imagine from your posts that you were short and rude to her which has embarrassed her.
She made a mistake, you were possibly mean.
If someone else from the group that you do like came over to sit with you having arrived early, can you honestly say you’d have behaved in the same way or would you have let them sot or explained more politely?

I like this, you should send it OP!

Do people really address friendship groups in the pompous and authoritarian tones normally reserved by passive aggressive managers for dealing with recalcitrant staff?
"I thought I'd clearly explained..."
"It was not appropriate..."
"Private and sensitive matters..."
Whatever happened to "Sorry if I seemed a bit off Sandra, but my friend Barbara needed a chat about some stuff she has going on. You know how it is..."..?

Oh come on OP…….have a little grace! This person might be genuinely struggling and could have been simply hoping for some company to help them navigate a difficult period in their life.
Why be so precious about your friends that you risk losing them because someone else trod on your toes?!
Be kind MNetters……..no one knows what others are going through.