AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

Regarding your breakfast, I've been both the one having a private chat and the one arriving early. In the first case, I've explained quietly that we're having a private chat - although I've rarely had to do this. In the second case, I've just waved and said see you later - which is what I find most people do.

Flouncing off is rude and rather socially inept.

Been there done that. Not anymore

The issue with 'awkward' guests is a tricky one. I had a similar situation with a professional women's group. Any woman could take part, but we had a transwoman join. Lovely lady, but the group didn't feel able to discuss 'women's issues' with her there. Either we were embarrassed or she just didn't understand or want to discuss female problems as her experience was very different, and she was somewhat strident in wanting to discuss her problems. The group quickly folded. Sometimes the group dynamics can be completely thrown off when someone joins.

This is why I don't like groups of exclusively females. I never saw on all female group where there wasn't some cattiness eventually.

It was a genuine misunderstanding on her part. A quite reasonable misunderstanding. I am absolutely sure you would have handled it differently someone you actually liked. So if say, yes, you're not so much a bully as a bit of a bitch.

The OP did the flouncing off.

Some people don’t like being told NO, so she immediately resorted to calling you a bully.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t bother responding but just ignore her. Eventually those types tends to flounce off in the end, which usually solves the problem. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This.

Grown up mean girls dynamic isn’t a good vibe. The newbie maybe hasn’t many friends and least can do is make conversation for 15 mins to not hurt someone like that imho.

OP you were called out for a reason.

It’s so hard to know without being there/ being part of the group.

It sounds like a misunderstanding re the breakfast - she probably thought you were just early too.

Re this friend joining the group - has anyone actually raised it with inviting friend? Or have you just assumed she will realise you object/ that it’s a closed group?

Does inviting friend think it’s an open group where anyone can invite someone new? And perhaps is it actually an open group but only you think otherwise?

"You can't sit with us."

😂

Wouldn't it be odd to walk into a cafe where you're due to meet people, see one of the people you're due to meet and not aporoach them?

Surely if you want a private breakfast you don't have it when and where you've arranged to meet others?

If OP's response would have been different for any other member of the group, what she did is bullying.

I really must get my head out of this thread and DO THINGS.

Good luck OP, you're probably feeling pretty anxious by now and I'm sorry about that.

You can likely smooth it over with an apology and an explanation before graciously accepting this woman as part of the group...or not.

I had the same experience which is why I recognise it happening with the OP.

And I'm sure my groups flouncer feels hard done by but no-one wants to be around a bully unless they enjoy bullying themselves.

I imagine the OPs coffee group are hoping she'll flounce too and they can get on with being grown ups and enjoying themselves without the OP creating drama.

Then I agree with you op you weren’t being unreasonable to ask her to move to a different table.

I always think it's a misnomer to dismiss these complications as 'school playground' because these group dynamics are absolutely not restricted to children. Plenty of adults carry on in this vein.
I think it's part of the social condition of people who live within our culture.
Life is a popularity contest. It's definitely not just kids, even if it first becomes apparent at school.

Yeah you were rude and unwelcoming. I don’t think it would be classed as bullying though.

Why didn't you plan your private breakfast for a different venue or time?

I don't think she was being unreasonable - she might just have thought you were early and your 'private' friend was a new member of the group.

🙄 point taken

I voted YANBU, but actually I think there are hurt feelings on both sides that are looking for justification. Your justification is 'she's unreasonable', hers is 'she's bullying'.

The reality is it was a simple misunderstanding - but your growing irritation with this new person made you respond over-harshly. Making her respond over-dramatically in return. To be fair new person does sound a bit of a PITA, but maybe she's just trying too hard to fit in and prove that she's fun, lively etc.

Any chance of anyone saying sorry and starting again?

You do sound like a bully. You don’t have to like everyone. But no need to be rude. She saw you, someone part of the group, of course she would sit with you!!!

If she interrupts etc then say something at the time. Maybe someone should have spoken to the friend that invited her at the start that she didn’t fit. Before it got this far.

Some people never seem to grow up from that behaviour … and it’s always mainly women.

Was it a private conversation as in you were discussing something personal and sensitive or was it private in the respect that she wasn’t invited? If it’s the latter it sounds like very schoolyard behaviour - ‘you can’t sit with us’.

What the ‘guest’ did was pretty understandable and the way you spoke to her was humiliating, especially if your main concern is that you don’t like her and didn’t want to sit with her for 20 minutes.

It’s been over 6 months, it’s probably time to accept that she’s part of the group now. And the bully label may stem from the way you’ve been treating her over time rather than just today.

I had a friend who embarked on a campaign to exclude a new member to our friend group. Insisting there had to be separate events strictly for the ‘OG’ and behaving rudely when she was around. We don’t have time for this kind of juvenile behaviour and now she’s flounced off permanently.

Agree with others that she obviously assumed you were there early as part of the meetup with a potential new member?

You clearly don't like her and it shows in your posts and the way you interact with her- she and others have probably picked up on that, which is why there are talks of bullying.

Pretty easy mistake to make when she was actually meeting the OP in that very place.

Maybe she also thought you were early for the coffee meet up and that why she sat there … how’s she to know you were meeting someone at the same place prior to the coffee meet, and you could have just bought this person along too. Yes, it was rude and clearly you have an issue with her personally.