AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

But the point is OP is allowed to have a separate breakfast with someone else.

Fair enough the person may have assumed it was the coffee meet up group, but when she was politely told that it's not, she should have just accepted it gracefully and asked the cafe staff if there was a reserved table for coffee meet up group.

Are we seriously saying that grown women shouldn't be expected to act like grown women anymore and can tantrum and stamp their feet?

I.think the friend who invited Boorish One into the group needs a stern talking to

She invited this person into the group without asking the rest of the group's permission. That was high-handed. She is now accusing you of being a bully for refusing to invite Boorish One to join your private chat. My private respobse to Inviting Friend would be - you imposed your friend and the group ( and the group.is not happy about it) but you don't get to tell me I've got to put up with her muscling in on a private convo.

Just make sure you've briefed others in the group what's happening, and expect the group to fall apart or start excluding you.

I don't think you were a bully but I'd bet anything that you massively enjoyed putting early friend in her place.

If you were all in school, what you did would be considered bullying.

Boor is boorish and interrupts two people who are clearly NOT just there for the group as it's 20 minutes before group coffee time. Then boor calls early person a bully because they didn't let boor invade a private conversation. Nothing unexpected here. Next time, have breakfast with your friend at a different cafe because you know boor will be boorish.

You shouldn’t have to sneak about and find different places to avoid someone who can’t understand that they are not entitled to join other people’s meals

Not particularly private then.
Im sure if this woman had sat at a nearby table she’d have been criticised for eavesdropping.

It’s perfectly easy to explain that she couldn’t talk right now but they would wrap up and she’d join the others in a few minutes.

Or just select a different venue and time for private meetings that require discretion.

I think it matters a lot how you say to someone ‘sorry but a private conversation I will catch up with everyone in a bit’.
Not just vocally, but body language too.

You should have said to the friend who introduced her to the group you think she isn’t going to fit in well. I wonder why your friend introduced her ?

If you were really clear in telling her to get lost in a manner of speaking she will feel hurt. Most people would. She didn’t realise that you were having a private meet up outside of the ‘group’.

I wonder what your friend made of it all too ? Perhaps introducing her and just carrying on with your chat might have been a better option.

It sounds more like it's a meeting at the gym, in the club room - the OP went to an earlier class than normal, or usually hangs around waiting for her friends to join her. This week she arranged to meet another friend, not part of the group, to join her for breakfast first to discuss the personal matter then was going on to have coffee when the other friends came out of their class.

I did this for years at my gym! If one of my friends was sitting with someone unknown, I'd acknowledge them (small wave or suchlike) and only join them if I was waved over!

Yep, never been in a WA group. DH was in one at work (15 people worked there, and 10 were in it, including DH although he rarely chatted on it, he just looked at the messages now and again...) And whilst it started as a lot of fun and a bit of a novelty, it only took a few weeks before 2 or 3 of them started being bitchy and spiteful about 2 other colleagues (not in the WA group.)

5-6 weeks on, 2 of them in the group of 10 in the WA group (Lee and Julie) were being a bit too friendly with the 2 being bitched about, (Jen and Lou,) not gossipy just being friendly, and suddenly the chat stopped for them on the WhatsApp group, nothing, nada, zilch. Lee and Julie were like 'guys.... anyone there..?'

Radio silence.

Turns out 'Becky' who opened the group some 2 months earlier had started a new group called 'genuine friends' and send an invite to everyone except Lee and Julie... DH had got an invitation and hadn't seen it. The first group was still open but no-one was talking except Lee and Julie. DH joined the new group. (Not realising 2 had been excluded because he was only half paying attention.) He knew after a week or so that Lee and Julie had been phased out. He didn't know why.

Fastforward 3-4 weeks, and the same thing happened, but to DH and another person - Sam. Radio silence, no-one speaking in the second group. Sam noticed first, and asked DH if he was seeing messages. DH said he wasn't.

Anyway, Sam and DH had been pushed out too. Becky had made a third WA group. Sam and DH were not invited. (Sam found out after another colleague told him.) Apparently Queen Bee Becky had got wind of the fact that Sam and DH had been chatting to Jen and Lou, and had been GASP friendly with them! (The 15 people work different shifts so aren't together all the time, but may work together with 2-5 of the others maybe 6 to 12 hours a week.)

DH said 'fuck this shit' and removed himself from the second group (and the first!) Anyway tl'dr, within about 6 months, 3 of the remaining 6 had had the sack, and 2 of the 3 left gave their notice in. So much shit went down at work over that time that I'd be here til dusk explaining it all. But yeah, it went to shit!

As I said fuck big friendship groups and fuck WA groups! 😆

.

just shrug it off. whatsapp groups, private breakfasts, coffee group politics. it all sounds tiresome.

just be nice next time and move on. it's not that deep

What would you done if it was one of the original members of the group - sent her away?

I wouldn't label someone a bully for this and this alone, but looking from the interloper's perspective, unless she knew for certain that this wasn't just where the early arrivers were sitting, I can see how she'd be embarrassed and unhappy at being sent away. How was she to know? It really depends on exactly how you reacted and expressed yourself, and as you don't like her much, you probably made that more obvious than you realised when you dismissed her.

However, I do have sympathy for the larger problem. It's annoying when someone unilaterally introduces a new person to the group and it changes the dynamics for the worse. (And I don't have much respect for people who jump to calling someone a bully because they dared to assert themselves and not just always go along with whatever someone else wants for the sake of 'being kind'.)

This group may no longer be right for you, if the rest of the members don't mind Interloper enough to do anything about the situation. Unfortunately, it's difficult to boot someone out of a group just for being a bit annoying. It feels too much like... bullying. 🙄 So your best bet may be meeting your favourite people from the group at other times—unless you're willing to brave out the awkwardness of being branded a bully and accept the Interloper's presence going forward.

There isn't enough information here for me to really know what's going on

Understandable mistake on her part. Why on earth go to the same cafe when a misunderstanding was so clearly possible, and having gone there, why choose a table with spare seats? This woman obviously through this was the meeting. It sounds as though you were abrupt with her, so no wonder she was upset and probably embarrassed. YABU.

Yes I was going to say the same. It was an innocent mistake by the person you aren't keen on and I can understand that they were probably embarrassed by your reaction. I think you should have been more polite. Also it does remind me of a similar situation where I'd had a longstanding group of friends that I'd meet and one day a new person came along... they were very chatty and each-time they 'intercepted' on that first meeting I kept thinking 'who is this new person changing things up'. The next time we met I wondered if she'd come and she did and actually went on to be a really fun central person to our group - we used to laugh about how she'd become an honourary member... just saying this as sometimes it's good to keep an open mind to change.

This is kind of what I was saying.

Group WhatsApp… Comment has been deleted - spoke to the friend who wrote it and was on a batshit version that included swearing and raising my voice.

Do you mean that the interloper told her pal that you’d kicked off rather than just said you were at a separate event and for her to please wait? If so, ouch! Not sure how that can be rectified.

The whole thing is awkward as hell, I can see why she thought it was okay to join you and also why you didn’t want her to do so.

WA groups can be a nightmare. I have fallen out with a group because of posts on WA.

If you want a private conversation with someone, then don’t pitch up at the same venue where you’re due to meet up to 10 other friends an hour later, would be my advice! Is there only one café in town, op?

I do understand why you’d want some privacy to finish off your conversation with your friend, but I can understand why the woman you don’t like came and plonked herself down with you both. How was she to know that you weren’t just there a bit early yourself and were also introducing someone new? If you were all due to meet there but sat in different places when you got there, it would be very odd.

I think you’ve hoisted yourself by your own petard now. If you’d commented on any of the rude things she does, you might have had a point and some support, but she wasn’t being rude by joining you. And now, any indication that you’re not listening to her, or not responding with enthusiasm or any show of irritation when she interrupts someone is going to be met by her running to your mutual friend with allegations of more bullying and that she knew you didn’t like her and how you’re making her feel unwelcome in the group. This has the potential to split the group in two, so I’d proceed with caution if I were you. Did I understand correctly that the post about bullying has now been deleted? Which would suggest that your friend no longer thinks it was bullying. So nothing to respond to. Let this go. Your friends presumably know you aren’t a bully. Keep your distance. Be polite but nothing more. Don’t give her the ammunition to force you out of the group and hopefully she’ll get bored and move on.

I don't know why the OP is getting such a hard time here, she said in her OP that the dynamic has changed since this woman joined the friendship group and people were PMing each other rather than going through group chat. She was a bit cheeky to insert herself into the conversation with you and your other friend @Ano1n but still being with this other friend only 20 minutes before you were due to meet with this other woman and the others was a bit daft. You should have had a different meeting place, or a bigger gap between meet-ups. (At least 1 hour.)

I would have been a little bit annoyed if I were you, but wouldn't have said anything. I would make sure I do things differently next time. (Bigger gap between meets/different venue maybe 10-15 minutes walk away,) but it sounds like you do dislike her @Ano1n and aren't really sorry for upsetting her. You clearly don't get on with her and others do, so maybe distance yourself from the group for a few weeks, and meet up with some of them but not all.

Honestly though, this is why I CBA with big friendship groups. They all seem to want to be like Friends (the TV show) and all about empowering women, and are always championing all the socialising together. but they rarely end well. A big group breaks up into smaller factions and people turn against one another, and it turns to shit, most of the time. Sometimes two of them will fall out and people take sides and it gets ugly, or the group just fractures.

I haven't been part of a friendship group for about 10-11 years now, (my late 40s,) and I never will again. Too cliquey, always a Queen Bee, always a gobshite who likes the sound of her own voice, always a bitch, always a scrounger, always a cheeky fucker, and as I say, the groups nearly all turn sour.

If the chief of the group has had a go I'm not sure how you can come back from this @Ano1n without apologising and saying something like a pp said.... Like..

@GreenFootstool · Today 09:02
"Sorry for hurting your feelings Jane, but I was having a sensitive and private conversation with someone else at the time when you wanted to join us and I tried to be as polite as possible to protect everyone's feelings in the moment.

You are not a bad person OP, but I think you could have handled this a bit better. This woman's reaction was a bit OTT drama queen though, and she has clearly been tittle tattling about you to the others. Good luck!

That’s why the group chat is now private messages to each other.

Read the OP

I think you're right.

I would go back to the WA and say that you're responding to the now-deleted comment, and that to your mind there is a big difference between asserting your boundaries when someone has inserted themselves uninvited into a private and important and time-dependent conversation, and bullying. And that attempts to shame you for putting the comfort of a third party acquaintance before that of your good friend could just as easily be construed as domineering or bullying behaviour.