AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

I don’t think your brain would compute that a woman (that’s you’re unaware dislikes you) from the group that you’ve arranged to meet very shortly is actually there having a private conversation with someone else and that you should approach with extreme caution 😂

*bore

She interups and talks over conversations, but you are domineering and controlling, so swings and round abouts.

To add context - I caught up with friend for breakfast after a gym class & the conversation was private & not something that she would have talked about in front of someone she didn’t know and she was going straight home.

And you didn't think, hmm, I'm meeting 10 people in the exact same place shortly, and one or more might be early and come over to sit with us? You should have told your private friend that, and then either forewarned her that others would be arriving or actually gone somewhere you wouldn't be interrupted.

Still interested in whether, if the early bird from the coffee group had been someone you liked more, you'd have pulled the "you can't sit with us" move.

I think you’ve created an awkward situation here. She was supposed to meet you and others in this cafe, so the logical thing was to sit down at your table once she arrived and saw you. She wouldn’t have considered the option that this was a pre-meeting, you just don’t go through all possibilities, you see the person you’re supposed to meet and sit down without second thoughts. Her bullying statement was the reaction to her feeling humiliated in this situation, which is somehow understandable.

You may not have intended to bully her but she may have felt bullied . I think I'd of felt belittled ,embarrassed and unwelcome . It's just not ok op . Would you like to be spoken to in that way in front of another and was it nessarcary to speak to her in that time did u just not care asking as your voice was heard .

Not everyone would agree with you. I hope I'd have the tact to realize it might be a private conversation and to sit down at another table and wait to be asked to join.

Yeah you're not nice . Did you feel big and clever humiliating and embarrassing the person ?

You weren’t just abrupt you were extremely rude to her.

Pot and kettle really do apply here.

Why would someone add their friend to a group chat without asking anyone's opinion? Presumably there are things that no one wants to discuss in front of a stranger. I'm not sure that the other member was bullying, but it's definitely overreaching and entitled behavior.

Well yes if that person is sat at a 2 person table with someone I dint know.
Clearly, she wasn’t just waiting for everyone else to arrive.

If she had been sat at a bigger table fur the 5~10 of them, then it would have been different.

How ridiculous, the woman was literally there to meet OP, at that place, at that time.. she was just early, and obviously assumed OP was too. The fact that another woman was there is a bit of a red herring, OP said it's a group of 5-10 women, so chances are this woman hasn't met them all.

OP was unhinged to set up this awkward overlap, then flounce off after that interaction, which was a problem of her own making in the first place.. why not put something on the group chat to say she would be there early with someone else and she'd join them later?? Any of the women arriving early would probably approach them! Bet they wouldn't have been given the same treatment.

I think people can’t read between the lines. It would be so fucking weird to not go and approach a person that is part of a group that you have arranged to meet 20 minutes later in the exact same location that they were in 😂

Well because it’s a very large group that changes a bit weekly. She saw a person from the group, that she recognised, at a time VERY close to the meeting time so likely assumed the other woman was part of the larger group.

It's hard to know if yabu or not without hearing the tone in which you spoke to the other woman. I do think you could have avoided all this by simply putting a message on the chat prior saying 'btw ladies, I'm meeting a friend in the same place for breakfast at 9 and I'll join you after'. That's what I would have done, making everyone aware in case anyone wondered what you were doing and it would have saved all this drama!

I’d have waved at the 2 having breakfast and sat down somewhere else. If they wanted me to join them, they would say so. I’d not impose

@Ano1n pick up the phone and tell the person accusing you of bullying and explain how the introduction of this person to your group isn’t welcome to most of the group

fuck it, you’ve got nothing to lose. Ask the others if they want a new group

What? If the person was part of a group I regularly meet for coffee there of course it's not rude. Do people all sit separately until the clock strikes 10?

Put it this way, if you really liked the other woman, you would most likely have introduced her to your friend and invited her to join you. I think the key thing here is you just don't like her and because of that, you treated her differently to how you would have treated someone you actually liked.

Or it could easily be that the friend in question is going through some hard time (let’s say her dh is having an affair, her dc is ill in hospital, whatever) and NO ONE would have been ok to join.

Without asking?
Why?
Do you always assume that because you know one person, you’re entitied to join them at any time? Wo having any idea who that person is?

That sounds very rude to me

I'd pick up the phone to the person who not so subtly called you a bully and explain what happened. you were having breakfast with a friend who isn't in the group. you were discussing personal and private stuff. you explained to the interrupter that this wasn't the coffee but a private conversation. end of.

Put it this way, if you really liked the other woman, you would most likely have introduced her to your friend and invited her to join you. I think the key thing here is you just don't like her and because of that, you treated her differently to how you would have treated someone you actually liked.

Is that a thing now? We have to treat people we don't like the same as people we do like? Where does that end?

Okay, so if there are 10 of you on a rotating basis and she was only introduced to the group 6-7 months ago then naturally she would have assumed that when she saw someone from the group in the location that you arranged to meet that a couple of others were a little early and attempt to join you. I just think when it’s as fluid as it clearly is and she was introduced by a friend that she would naturally think it was fine to take a seat. I feel sorry for her, she doesn’t know she’s boring and although it’s changed the dynamic, you’re not in charge of who brings who etc. If you had a real problem with her you should have told the friend that introduced her or decided not to be part of the larger meet ups anymore. How embarrassing for her to be sent away like that and she may be annoying (to you) but she hasn’t exactly done anything dreadful or I’ve no doubt someone in a group of 5-10 women would have called her out or mentioned it before this. It’s easy after the fact to say ‘there was food on the table or, I had written in the group chat that I would join them after..’ the fact is she showed up to a pre-arranged meeting of some people, saw a couple of them were already there and she tried to sit down. Your brain wouldn’t necessarily register what was happening because, well, we’re human and she was doing what she thought was happening next, there will be a psychological term for things like this. Is theee only one nice place to get breakfast / coffee in your location? Maybe don’t meet everyone you know within minutes of one another in the same location if you don’t want them seeing you / being friendly / talking to you / hearing your conversations.

You didn’t come across as polite or tactful.
You sounded very abrupt and bad mannered.

Would you have spoken to a good friend the same way? I doubt it.

I’m not surprised she’s upset, but she’s way OTT broadcasting it on the group chat imo.

It sounds like you came across a bit rude. Put it this way, if you really liked the other woman, you would most likely have introduced her to your friend and invited her to join you. I think the key thing here is you just don't like her and because of that, you treated her differently to how you would have treated someone you actually liked.

So she went back and lied to the woman who added her to the group, and this woman then decided to publicly lecture and berate you about bullying, without so much as double checking with you as to what occurred?

Cringing for her.

Hmmm yeah. As I said, fuck big 'friendship' groups! They very rarely end well!