AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

I always turn up early to places so if I was meeting people at 10 and turned up at 9.40 and see 2 of them already there i would of also come over and sat with you. You where really nasty she did nothing wrong coming to join you

But why don't you just say "Hi, may I join you?" Then they say "I'll see you for coffee in a few minutes, we're just having a private chat," then you say "Oh ok, no worries," and sit elsewhere. I don't see all the need for great analysis or offence-taking or bullying accusations.

My understanding here is that it's the former colleague who came over to sit with you whilst you were talking to an unrelated friend?

Without knowing the dynamics of the friendship groupings it's hard to really understand what's going on. For example, is this a group of women who all have a common interest in a maternity group, sports, an organisation or charity. How close are you all? Friends from school? Parents from school?

I think it's very likely that the person who introduced her colleague to the group felt it was a supportive community that would welcome her, and that perhaps this person, for whatever reason just hasn't gelled with everyone. They may struggle with social cues also... but I would also point out that if the colleague spotted (and recognised) you sitting with someone they didn’t know then you've already said that there's a fluctuating number of people who attend these meet ups.

Could it not be that the person recognised you and thought it was the start of the grouping (I understand the timing would be off here as it's early, but could they perhaps just have been eager to join?).

If I was meeting a friend before meeting a group of people then I'd have probably mentioned something on the group beforehand and also let my friend know my plans but you're also not wrong in not doing this either. I think it's just come down to someone eager to join and hasn't understood. Maybe just explaining the situation could help?

It sounds like you're annoyed at the woman having been introduced to the group, maybe she's sensing this and your reaction has confirmed this (even if your reaction was for a wholly different reason).

It's hard to know exactly without more context.

Exactly, you see someone you're supposed to be meeting in 20 minutes sat at a table at the place you're supposed to be at, it's not unreasonable to assume they're just a bit early too.
Like you're supposed to be psychic or something!

You ok?! 😁

Not liking the sound of this woman - happy to muscle into an existing group then assuming she can tag along to any social interaction of those in the group. Then running to mummy when boundaries are drawn. Plus a boor. Sounds a nightmare.

Agree. Time is short spare time is precious. Surely once you get
to a certain age this having to be perpetually “nice”’to strangers wears off. Op owes this woman nothing.

Is the ‘friend’ who added annoying woman to the WhatsApp group without asking if that would be ok not at fault? Which should have been sorted at the time she was added. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of today’s situation I’m too old to have boorish people inflicted on me and would withdraw from the group/set up a new group with people I actually wanted to spend time with

It’s not the fact that she didn’t want anyone to join a private breakfast, the unreasonable part is that she expected the woman to know that this is a private pre-meeting when it was much more likely that OP was early for the group coffee as well and brought a new friend along, just as she recently was brought into the group. It would have been very weird to agree meeting people for coffee and then to sit down at a different table when you spot them.

Wise decision. Even though I think it was a bit daft to have such a short space between meet ups, (and have it in the same place,) this woman tittle tattling to the group, and running to teacher - the Queen Bee - and slagging you off, was a bit pathetic, dramatic, and childish on her part.

This is very OTT language.

Yes, if I arrived somewhere early and saw one of the people in the group I was due to meet chatting to someone else, I'd go and sit with them. I would assume she was there for the scheduled meetup and was bringing a friend I didn't know, which is par for the course for this group. I would not assume she was discussing something so private that no one else could draw near.

The OP lacks every kind of intelligence not to have foreseen that there'd be overlap between her two social engagements and therefore if the first needed to be private, it needed to be done at another time or place.

Glad it’s not just me! Thought I was odd one out for a second.

@Ano1n interrupting bore friend told intro friend a totally OTT version of events to try to cause trouble? That is unacceptable

You were completely within your right to highlight it was a private conversation and to want to continue said conversation without her in it.

However, you really aren’t coming across well at all. The way you speak about her is where I would have an issue. You clearly don’t like this woman, for what reason I don’t know. If she’s truely boring is it really that big of a drama, just be courteous and get on with your life. You sound like you’re in high school.

But bear in mind this woman is an interloper. She probably thinks it’s standard practice to bring new people along without mentioning it.

I think the fact that this woman has gone crying to your friend and given her a distorted version tells you you are right to be wary of her. However, I would be pretty furious with my so-called “friend” too, dropping verbal hand grenades into the group chat rather than just speaking to you directly. The “will not be tolerated” comment would make me want to remind her she is neither my boss nor my headmistress.

While it was daft to have a private conversation in the exact place you were meant to be meeting the wider group minutes later - the mistake was bound to happen - it was ultimately a misunderstanding. If it’s brought up again in the group chat, I’d say as much - and I might throw in a pointed “Please feel to ask me directly if it’s not clear”.

so weird. men definitely don't indulge in this petty nastiness.

how private a conversation do you have in a cafe anyway?

OP dislikes this person because they are both quite similar I think

I really disagree with the posters who would plonk down next to op who is there 20 minutes early and deep in conversation with someone who is not in the established group, surely that’s really awkward and odd?! Lacks emotional intelligence.

That’s not what happened.

The OP was with an entirely different friend, who is not part of the coffee group.

And the OP explained that they were having a private conversation and would join other friend as arranged later (I.e at the agreed time )

This, the whiney woman sounds a professional victim… who is revelling in the fact that she can Wendy you and sob about how hurt she is.
Those who are in the WA group who’ve got sucked into her sob story of vilifying you can sod off and wait for her to do the same to them.

If you’ve arranged to meet up with friends for coffee, you turn up early and see one of the friends already there sat down surely you’d just assume they were also early? You wouldn’t go and sit at the other end of the cafe by yourself without saying anything whilst one of the people you’re meeting are sat there. You were rude, maybe friend didn’t realise you were having a private chat

Not sure why people are finding this so complicated. You are not being unreasonable, you didn’t want her joining your breakfast with a friend. If you had let her join and then been annoyed afterwards, everyone would have berated you for not standing up for yourself.

So this poor woman was due to meet you, and a varying group of others, at this location. She turned up slightly early, and saw that you were also there a bit early, along with a mate. Perfectly reasonable for her to assume that your presence at the designated meeting spot, only shortly before the designated time, was for the sodding meeting. It would have looked weird as fuck for her not to join you. And then you were abrupt (aka sodding rude) to her, then flounced off. Not surprised that she felt she was being bullied. I suspect you let your dislike show.

ok so she’s irritating and maybe shouldn’t band ‘bully’ that still stands but also you need to take responsibility for your awful lack of manners and humility whether you like this person or not, what you did was rude and could have been easily avoided. ‘Oh sorry irritating friend, we’re just in the middle of a private chat right now, will catch up with you in a little while’ with a genuine smile on your face
seriously, all of you need to grow up by the sounds of it

Can't you kick boor out of what's app group and never deal with her again?

You sound very controlling and like a mean girl.