AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

She wasn't a random person though.

She obviously just thought you had brought along a new friend for the coffee meet up.

Telling someone in the gentlest possible way that you don’t want to see them until their allocated time slot is already super awkward and would make a lot of people feel really embarrassed. So saying it abruptly is pretty mean to be honest.

'It isn't bullying to meet a friend for breakfast at a cafe and not expect an audience and be accused of bullying to ask a random person not to sit with us, thanks'

No, YANBU and you weren't being a bully. You were having a private breakfast, which someone else tried to join. There's nothing wrong with saying, eg " sorry Jane, Beth and I are having catch-up this morning. I'll join the rest of the group for coffee in about 20 min." What else were you supposed to do? I really don't like this ingrained behaviour where women shove their own needs and wants to the very bottom of the list to make sure everyone else is comfortable and happy. (I used to do it when I was younger, and I have no idea why. It must be societal pressure. Not to appear 'rude'. To always be sweet and accommodating. It's a load of rubbish.)

As long as you didn't say, 'fuck off Jane, you boring cow,' you were merely explaining the situation. I wouldn't let her paint you as a bully to the rest of the group. Just say clearly, 'No bullying has occurred. I politely advised I was in the middle of a private conversation and would join you later.' No need to say any more.

Oh God how much worse that would make it!

How on earth do you think that's neutral? It's even more rude than OP snapping 'this is a private conversation I'll join you later'.

I also can see both sides and much depends on how the message was conveyed.

if you said oh I’m really sorry, we are having a bit of a private conversation, we will join tne main group later, I hope you don’t mind.

no bullying.

an abrupt message, then yes it can be seen as exclusionary and bullying.

i suspect it eas this the latter, not conveyed kindly because you don’t like her. Was it even a private convo. Would you have done the same to others you like, I suspect not.

id check that the group hasn’t quieted down due to you and your intolerance,

This is a nice way to frame. If I understand correctly it was Jane being offended on behalf of Jill
who she introduced to the group but the general idea applies . Apologise in public means you avoid turning yourself into the baddie but making it clear you there were reasons and stand behind that

Well to me reading that you seem like the bully! It's just a breakfast, seems like exclusion, why such a big deal, you clearly don't like her

The ‘guest’ isn’t a guest anymore. After 6 months of weekly coffees she’s an established member of the group. I think if you wanted a private breakfast you should have gone somewhere else, or at least put on the group chat, ‘I’m meeting someone first for a private chat but I’ll come over to your table after’.

Have responded back a few times (not actually sent)

Eh? So you HAVEN'T responded then??

I think it all depends how you spoke to her, whether you're unreasonable or not.

The fact that you were there with a friend who wasn't part of the group, having a private meet up makes her a bit rude. But it is equally possible you were rude to her in response.

To be honest, I'd pull back from the whole group for a bit. They've clearly sided with the newcomer, regardless of whether they like her or not.

I'd put a neutral message in the Whatsapp group saying something along the lines of-

'Apologies for the crossed wires this morning unwanted interloper. X and I were having a 121 confidential discussion about something of a really personal and private nature, which was why I arranged to meet her:

1 on my own,
2 without the group
3 for personal and private support.

It wasn't my place to share her private information with others, which was why we couldn't include you.'

If I was this new woman and saw one of the group having breakfast with someone I’d never met before I’d go to our usual group table and just acknowledge you on the assumption that was a separate thing. Or at the very least ASK if I could join but I don’t think I could do that unless you were one of my besties - no more likely I’d go up to you and say ‘hi Izzy I’m a bit early but I’ll just sit at our normal table’, and then if no ‘oh please join us’ was forthcoming that’s what I’d do!
Have you spoken to the woman who intros her to the group? Did she ask if it was ok? Bit awkward now - you can’t exactly expel her!

Potentially BOTH were rude. It's understandable if the other woman misread the situation especially since all of this happened in public space. Perhaps she should have been more cautious if she didn't know your breakfast companion, and if she clearly became angry/sulky (and that's not just your interpretation) then she overreacted. Depending on the urgency of the conversation that was interrupted, you may have been totally justified but it also comes across like you're predisposed to judge ANYTHING the other woman does in a negative light - even calling her "friend's guest" is telling; she's a de facto member of your meet-up group at this point - plus your language does sound like you were reprimanding her rather than simply asking for space.

None of this is "bullying" though, which is a serious matter and shouldn't be trivialised. So if you are sure that the weird lecture-y message from Intro Friend refers specifically to your asking the other woman to leave you alone to finish your conversation and not to your (and possibly others') behaviour in general then I would push back. Intro Friend's putting the message in the group chat is stirring - she should have approached you directly if she really didn't trust her friend to resolve things with you on her own, and given you a chance to explain the context. Plus the "women supporting each other" cant sounds a bit infantilising and misogynist; of course women can and should call out each other's poor behaviour.

I'm not sure what you mean by "the theme is fluff off", but it sounds like you should reconsider the wording of the messages you've written if you're going to send one, and maybe take it offline.

Was there nowhere else you could have had breakfast? Did you really expect her to see you, but ignore you and then sit somewhere else? Surely you'd see that she would think that you were early and join you? You were rude. Challenge her when she does something, not just take a massive dislike to her and be rude and resentful that she's joining you.

Me too.

I don't think the accusations of bullying are from this one incident. I think it's that OP has spent 6 months making it obvious she doesn't like this woman and trying to engineer excluding her by privately messaging people instead of using the coffee group WhatsApp.

Now OP has been so rude and embarrassed this woman in public, the rest of the group or at least the one who introduced the new person have thought enoughs enough and made it clear they don't like it.

It depends......did she think you and your friend were there for the bigger meet up or had you said you were breakfasting with another friend and would join them for coffee after. If she was aware of the latter then no, you did nothing wrong but if she thought you were there already for the group meet up then that's a bit different.

I don't really understand why some folk are saying you're jealous of her, there's always people in life we don't gel with and don't particularly want to socialise with.

I think this too.

OP doesn't like the new girl. On this occasion she made it obvious. Offence has been taken.

Don't have a bloody private breakfast meeting in what is a well established, frequented, group space, when you have arranged an imminent meet-up which includes the new girl. Of course she joined you.

You were well rude.

This is how you end up with alternative WhatsApp groups 😣

It does depend on your tone / if you said sorry but .. would you mind but …apologetically … then she is rude as you are allowed to have private conversations

I'm betting the rest of the group, or at least most, like her.

I don't think the other woman was being pushy or determined to get her own way.

She went to sit down because she was expecting to meet OP for coffee and probably assumed the other person at the table would be joining them for coffee too. And she was rudely sent away.

I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of the new person. It can be really difficult to ingratiate yourself with a group of people who all already know each other, as nobody other than the "intro" friend, as you say, actually wants you to be there. Maybe she's trying too hard to be lively and interesting and has come across boorish to you. Maybe not, but just offering a benefit-of-the-doubt perspective.

As to this specific incident, I don't think you were a bully but I think you were inconsiderate, possibly by accident! I agree with others that if I had turned up 20 minutes early to a café and someone from the group I was meeting was already there, I would absolutely assume they were also early and I could join them. I would probably assume you were inviting your friend to the meet up, just as she was invited along last year - and she might have been quite glad to see that happening, as it would be someone for her to talk to that was also an outsider to the main group, if you see what I mean.

I'd apologise for causing offence, explain what happened and that you just got wires crossed, and arrange separate meetings in separate locations in future.

I mean if I turned up early for a coffee meet and saw someone was already there of course I would join them.

I’d assume they were bringing a new friend to the coffee meet up.

i’d be pretty pissed off with you.

next time don’t back to back your meetings in a public place.

New member may have thought you were early too and that was where the group was meeting.Or as you said just pushy hard to tell.
Did you politely steer her away or was your tone nasty as to embarrass her into the bargain.

Either way I think your group is nearly done and you are running the risk of being blamed.