AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

But the new woman probably doesn't think she has "elbowed her way" into the group. She was invited along by a friend and has been meeting up for months. She sees OP and another woman in the venue and assumes OP is early and either met someone else she knows or has brought another person to join the group. It's hard to say "You can't sit with me and my friend" without sounding like an 8 year old.

Saying 'can you grab that table for 6' is as rude as the OP - it sounds like she thinks the other woman is her staff! Would you really have found it a normal dynamic for one woman to sit on her own at a table for 6 for 20 minutes while the other two sat elsewhere, probably within eyesight? Should she also sit with her hands over her ears lest she accidentally hears any of OP's very important and confidential conversation?

There are more polite ways to tell someone that you’ll join separately for coffee rather than immediately say “this is a private conversation”.

Your reasons were fine, but I suspect your method of delivery was rude and abrupt.

If you genuinely needed a sensitive conversation over breakfast, it was daft to have it at the coffee venue.
Any of the big group could have arrived and made the error of thinking you and private conversation friend were there for the planned social and tried to join you. It would be weirder surely to ignore you and sit elsewhere.
The woman may not be the best at reading a room, but the error was yours, and the socially mature thing would have been to accept with good grace rather than tell her to leave. Of course she will feel embarrassed. Who wouldn't?

I think it was a big mistake to organise a ‘private’ breakfast at the same venue where you’re going to be meeting another group of friends an hour later! I think it would be fairly normal for someone to turn up a bit early, spot that you were already there and come over. You say that the larger group can be up to ten of you, so maybe boorish friend didn’t clock at first that private friend wasn’t part of the bigger group?

If it had been me in that situation, then yes, I imagine I would have come over, said hello, picked up on the fact that you were in the middle of a private conversation and said ‘I’ll leave you in peace, see you in a bit!’ Life experience trained me from childhood to read the room, though. Maybe it’s not a well-honed skill in boorish friend. Again, if it were me faced with someone who had read it wrong and sat down, I don’t think I would have had the front to ask them to move on! It’s bound to come across as very rude and would be quite unusual in an adult social situation, so maybe that’s why it was construed as bullying - of the playground type? Just out of interest, if any of the others in the large group had come over, would you have felt and done the same?

Yes indeed. These are group dynamics and this is exactly how it will have gone. People will side with whoever is there.

OP my advice is to message the group to smooth things over. Apologise for being abrupt, play the private conversation card...and apologise directly to new girl. They like her more than you think they do. Intro friend is not impressed with you.

I'm actually with Op on this one she was clearly having a separate planned breakfast date with a friend the other woman didn't know and she intruded on their date !
That's rude and shows lack of social etiquette.
Obviously because op has a dislike to this woman maybe you pulling her up sounded abrupt but u wasn't in the wrong I would have done the same !
Maybe u should respond and say I was on a personal breakfast date and (other woman ) Rudel y sat down and interrupted so I kindly asked her to leave and I would join for our coffee meet up after that shows u being truthful instead of ignoring it's not bullying it's having boundaries and it's factual if that's how it happened and do it in the main chat ! Stand on your business !

This nails it. Arranging both meetings in the same cafe makes it very likely that someone would arrive a few minutes early and assume you had brought a friend to join the main group. Would you have told one of your old friends to go away ? Does the woman you dislike have a habit of being early?

I think on balance I agree with OP - this woman approached OP mid-meal with another person she did not know (i.e not a member of the group). They were rude and intrusive.

I would do as others say and simply reply with: ‘I’m sorry if you felt I was rude, but I was having breakfast with a friend who does not know you, to discuss private and sensitive matters. It was not appropriate for you to join us when we were both going to meet with the group in 20-30mins time. I am not sure how protecting my friend’s privacy might be considered bullying, but going forward I will ensure I don’t arrange to meet at the venue with anyone else prior to coffee to avoid confusion.’

I’m thinking that the newbie thought that you were starting the group event where you were sat, a simple mistake to make, unless it was very obviously a table just for two, I think that the best way to have dealt with it would have been to say that the group table was elsewhere and that you would join them when it started, maybe got the attention of a waiting staff member.

It sounds like you really dismissed her and that would have felt a bit humiliating tbh.

If I saw someone I was meeting for coffee, I would go and sit with them. I would assume that they had brought another friend with them. I would think myself rude if I ignored them and went to sit on my own when I was meeting them for coffee. And yes I would then think it horrible if they told me to leave as they were having a private conversation.

Yes, I suspect that - for all the OP thinks it's the other woman who has ruined the dynamic - her being so rude and then not even joining will have meant the others all had an opportunity to discuss OP's behaviour. I don't think the person who posted on the group will have been the only one who felt this way.

If I knew that this person was meeting my friend in the same place after for coffee, I'd think it was totally normal for her to assume I'd be joining them for coffee too and try to sit down.

I'd have been mortified if my friend spoke to someone like that and sent them away. I wouldn't be having breakfast with her again.

I had back to door / counter and didn’t see her come in & she was maybe 20 minutes early
Very amateur to not place yourself so you have full view of the room.
Your dismissal of unwanted company was very clunky, too.

What was so private about your chat with breakfast buddy, anyway. Do people have heart-to-hearts over bacon sandwiches?

Did you say it nicely, or were you a bit sharp? She must’ve been really embarrassed 😬.

Personally, if you were nice about it, I’d just say it was a sensitive conversation and you’d tried to explain that at the time without embarrassing your conversation friend.

And I think it would look incredibly weird to go and sit on your own for 20 minutes when a person from the group you were due to meet up with was also there.

Even if they were at a table that clearly didn’t accommodate the group and were half way through a breakfast?

surely in those circumstances your first reaction would be either did I get the time wrong/why did my friend start eating without me which as a minimum would prompt an enquiry of some sort.

This would be my guess. It's all sounding a little school playground tbh.

Last time I heard someone saying 'we are having private conversation' was when I was in primary school. As you were at the meeting place she would naturally assume she could join you. You can't control and curate large groups to suit you exactly. A lot of people will have formed their own breakaway groups or pairs and will be less fussed about who joins the big group meet ups.

I think if you turn up twenty mins early to a coffee group and see one of the group sitting at a smaller table, halfway through breakfast with someone that you don’t know, you have to have some poor social skills to assume that it’s part of your meeting.

OP in your shoes if you’re confident there has been no bullying on your part why do you think friends message applies to you?

why not just respond “goodness what on earth has happened?!”

You embarrassed her and she didn't react well.
I think it would have been better to meet your other friend at a different place if you were needing privacy and it was literally just the hour before everyone was meeting.

You don't come across well in your OP. No one will know if you're a bully from just hearing your side on the internet bur if this is how your friend/s feel they may be right.

It sounds like you were very rude and humiliated your friend. If I was the friend sat with you for breakfast or the one meeting you for coffee I'd be backing away from you. It does seem like a set up to embarrass your friend having her meet you in the same place you were meeting someone else.

She didn't tell her to fuck off but she may as well have. She didn't in any way explain that she had met this woman for breakfast who wasn't staying to join them for coffee.

She abruptly (OP admitted she was abrupt) said 'this is a private conversation, I'll join you later'.

AND THEN LEFT in a huff because the woman she'd been rude to seemed offended.

Didn't explain anything to anyone. Sounds like she didn't even explain anything to the rest of the group who'd arrived and just walked out.

So they probably said 'what's just happened' and the woman said 'I don't know, I thought we were all meeting for coffee but when I went to sit down she snapped 'this is a private conversation and she'd join us later but now she's walked out'.

So I'm sure the group had their coffee talking about how rude OP had been and that resulted in them agreeing someone put something in the coffee chat saying we don't want bullying in the group.

And OP wants to reply 'fuck off' to everyone but hasn't replied yet. Which makes it even more obvious it's OP with the problem.

If I arrange to meet a friend for lunch at 1 and turn up at quarter to 1 and my friend and A N Other are there I would assume that I could join them rather than have to wait in line for 1pm exactly.