AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

At the age of 50 I no longer involve myself with social groups, bar one. They have been my friends for 25 years and it works because there's not a queen bee among us. Get-togethers are sporadic but brilliant.

Otherwise, I don't like social groups. There's rules to stick to, people you don't really want to hang out with, inter-bitching and power play all going on at once. Don't even get me started on group chats. Ugh.
It's too much for me and I don't enjoy them. Good friends rarely come along in a handy multi-pack.

The pay-off for wrinkles, sore knees and grey hair for me, is the absence of social pressure.
It's something for some of you younger women to look forward to.

Anyway.

This thought crossed my mind too.

The fact that this group have known OP a significant amount of time but, presumably upon hearing what happened when they arrived at the cafe, it seems the general reaction wasn’t “that sounds totally out of character, maybe somethings going on with her, I’ll drop her a message and see if everything’s ok” makes me wonder if this wasn’t an isolated event, but was instead the nail in the coffin to it needing to be addressed. In most instances the term bully wouldn’t be used to describe a one off.

But who knows.

I think the rudeness was compounded by you leaving instead of joining the group for coffee. If after breakfast you'd gone over to the group and said "So sorry Jane, I was having breakfast with an old friend who has been having a tough time recently. How are you?" everything would have been fine.

I think it was a mistake to leave with your friend Op, that made it look as if you were so annoyed by the other woman you left in a strop, which you did really. If the new woman winds you up so much I'd find another coffe group, this ones going to be awkward for you all after this

Gosh, you sound like Amanda from Motherland OP!

OP i really want to know how you are so sure that the bullying comment applies to you?

I don't think you were unreasonable.

If this had happened to me, I would have been so mortified with embarrassment at not reading the situation, the last thing I would do was complain to someone else and refer to it as bullying. I would likely apologise later.

The fact that she did this speaks volumes.

She has probably inserted herself all her life and had this reaction all her life and complained about being bullied for it all her life. That doesn't make the bullying allegation true.

You were really bloody rude.

You met someone in the place you regularly meet a group of friends. One of the group walked in early, saw you and presumably thought "oh look, X is here early too". When she quite logically went to sit with you, one of the people she was expecting to meet, at the place she was meeting them, you abruptly told her it was a private conversation and to leave.... honestly, that would be unreasonably bitchy if you were 14.

I'm not surprised your friend was angry with you, you acted like a mean girl in the school cafeteria. If you were having a sensitive conversation with your friend you could have politely and apologetically told her you would join her soon (or done the sensible thing and not arranged two back to back meet ups if you weren't happy for this kind of cross over to happen).

I think it has been repeated over time. OP took an instant dislike to this woman and it sounds like she's been privately messaging people about meeting up instead of in the group coffee chat hoping that the woman she doesn't like doesn't get wind of it.

Unfortunately for OP, the other members of the group seem to like her, haven't played along with OP and have been inviting her which has OP seething because she thinks it's her friends and her group and no-one else is allowed.

And the rest of the group are sick of her playground shit and trying to exclude the new person and after OP stormed out of the cafe in a huff had a good old chinwag about it and came up with the solution of putting a message in the group chat to make sure OP knows excluding or trying to and being rude is bullying and not okay.

The OP isn’t rude though! The person inserting herself into a conversation, not being capable of waiting 15-20 mins when she herself arrived early (if op wasn’t there she would have been by herself), and then causing a huge drama and boohoo with a bullying allegation is clearly out of line.

And yes I would absolutely ask someone to secure a bigger group table (obv that’s not the entire conversation but didn’t think the ‘hi sue, yes looking forward to chatting, I’m finishing up a private chat with Mary here’ was really necessary but apparently people need handholding and spelling out the obvious). I absolutely would not take offense at all at being asked to do the same.

The ‘private’ friend was not part of, or joining the larger group, but ‘boorish’ friend wasn’t necessarily to know that. The poster you were responding to was merely pointing out that in the situation as described by the op, it would have been an easy mistake to make.

Well yes which is why I said you’d surely ask the question or at least go over and say

”hi, I’m a bit early are you planning on joining us when you’ve finished your breakfast”

to which the OP could have responded

“hi Emma, this is sarah we were just having a catch up but feel free to join us, we were just chatting about the CoL crisis”

or

”hi Emma, yes I will be over in a bit, Emma and I are just chatting about some family stuff, would you mind bagging those tables in the window and I’ll join you later”

I see mean girls (you) never grow out of it. Sad.

I didn't mean it was telling about you, as such, but about how flimsy the OP's case that this woman was being rude was, that adding 10 mins on was supposed to make sound OP less bonkers.

I think anyone who wants to have a private conversation in a venue used by a big casual group they're part of at basically the same time is being a bit odd. Then getting so worked up about it that she stormed off is much more so.

OP says ‘another friend’ and that she was planning on joining ‘them’ the other group later. Not that ‘they’ were joining them after. I have inferred that this friends i entirely separate, but perhaps OP can clarify.

Anyway, this thread seems to be creating its own drama and I have better things to do, so will leave it now.

"Congratulations for having a life where this kind of thing is the most dramatic and worrying part of your weekend."

Bit harsh, especially as you go on to write quite a long post about it yourself. That's ironic.

These social interactions really affect people.

I think it wasn't handled well. You were at a cafe were a large group meet up was planned, so of course a member of that group would come to sit with you when they arrived. You might not like this woman, but she was hardly doing something unusual.

If you didn't want to sit with the group, you should have met elsewhere really.

The bullying comes in because, if it had been a member of the group you liked more you might have responded differently. Maybe let them join, at least been more gracious in how you spoke to them. I think it had real "you can't play with us" playground vibes.

Why is it ‘telling’? You know nothing about me?

I think she was perfectly entitled to finish her breakfast date with a person that the other woman did not know? They were likely sat at a table for 2/4 - not a large table for the big group? When I did these sorts of things, we had a set area that we always gravitated to, with the larger tables to accommodate the groups of 5-10 - I think intruding person missed all the cues and it was totally reasonable to decline her joining.

I wasn’t there so can’t speak to the tone, but would have had no issues with telling someone that I was just finishing a private breakfast with a friend and would be joining them and the group at our usual group table in 20mins time (or, yes, 30 mins if I was finishing up with someone else first - it’s a casual coffee morning, not a military procedure).

Congratulations for having a life where this kind of thing is the most dramatic and worrying part of your weekend.

My initial reaction was: I am so confused, who sat with whom?
After a re-read: grow up
On balance because telling you to grow up sounds rude: it's OK to not want to spend your spare time with people you don't like. However, it's also a bit weird to meet someone at the same venue as another meet up and not expect any kind of crossover. Also, that "women supporting women" is such an odd way to frame what I assumed is friendship, socialising, a couple of flat whites and a poached egg on smashed avocado. It's networking speak.

The whole thing sounds hard work.

The person who blustered and got offended at you saying it was a private conversation needs to grow up. But was there a tone "um, sorry you can't sit here this is a PRIVATE conversation" like mean girls or "oh hey, we'll join you in a minute". So maybe it's completely reasonable in a public space where she's already expecting a social gathering including you to come and sit at the table.

Solution: meet other people at another venue.

Also: it's not bullying. Bullying either needs an imbalance of power or it's repeated over time.

I think it’s easy to assume the other friend was simply someone else in the group she had not met yet, or was new to the group.

the issue here is it was the same venue, with near over lapping times, a group whose members fluctuate, and is clear a more tne merrier type, she obvs didn’t realise, and if hazard a guess the bullying accusation was less on the fact she couldn’t join and more how it was delivered that aappeared bullying

I think it's quite telling that you had to stretch the time out to make OP sound more reasonable - and even then failed.

If the other woman had arrived the full hour early then I would agree that it should have been a bit more obvious to her that something separate was going on. She was the sort of early that happens often if you use public transport or have to plan for unreliable traffic, and naturally assumed this was just part of the bigger group thing. Clearly no one else has OP's absolute horror of someone adding someone new to the group, so she assumed this woman would also be joining them rather than being told she must go in 20 minutes because then OP's schedule would have moved on.

But as the woman OP doesn't like was brought along 6 mths ago and introduced, I don't think it's unreasonable to think she might have thought oh Sue's brought someone along to coffee and they're getting a bite to eat first.

OP said the group coffee meet up isn't a formal thing, it happens regularly and can be 5-10 people so obviously some people go sometimes and some go at other times.

If I had an informal regular coffee meet I wouldn't think twice if someone brought someone else along.

If it was a dinner or a birthday night out or a rare catch-up that'd be different

I think it's only OP who doesn't want anyone else to come so would assume no-one new might be joining in.

well the women wasn’t there to eat. She was there for a coffee and a chat. As far as she was concerned her friend was early and had brought a friend.

I think whatever she did would have been wrong. Poor woman.