AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

depends on how you were told IMO.. if it was 'do you mind, we're having a private conversation here!!' I'd be mortified and embarassed at my mistake and I would actually think badly of OP for not saying anything up front if it was a private meeting.

Yet if she said, 'sorry, I'm just having a few minutes with with my friend, if you grab some seats I'll come and join you all when I'm finished' I'd feel a little embarrassed that I hadn't realised, but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

the difference here is that if the person approached said they were having a private conversation then you'd wait at another table for everyone else to arrive. I would anyway but that is having respect for other people.

Makes sense why you told the other that you were having a private conversation.

Perfectly reasonable.

Have people come to a consensus that they don’t like the new addition that is bring forced on them ? If so I’d tell the person who invited her into the group and ask she not bring the other along and to remove her from the group.

Of that’s too much just form a separate group with the ones that don’t like her and focus on that. Life is too short to spend time with people you don’t like outside of work hours.

It's not remotely clear from body language whether a comversation is private. Don't be silly now.

And if someone I was due to meet in a group where it was usual for new friends to be brought in was sitting with someone I didn't recognise, I would assume the new person was also here for the group.

There is no circumstance where I would arrive slightly early at a venue, see someone in the group I was intending to meet and think I shouldn't approach her.

And in any case, regardless of that, the OP should have had the awareness to be prepared for someone from the second group arriving early. Her idiotic decision to arrange social meetups back-to-back while expecting no crossover at all is the root cause of this.

Yeah, let's take it upon yourself to speak for everyone else and message behind her back to say "the majority" basically say "you can't sit with us".
That won't come across as non bullying at all 🙄😁
It's like a sketch out of Mean Girls.
Regina (soz, I mean OP) shouldn't do this and Gretchen (sorry, I mean yourself or like minded person) shouldn't do the message either.
I swear it's like some have never left the school playground.

You arranged to meet a friend for breakfast immediately before both of you were meeting a load of other friends for coffee, one of the load of friends arrived early and assumed they would be welcome to join you. They weren't and you told them to jog on, they are not happy, did it really matter? Sounds like a public place where you all hang out a bit unnecessary to be rude.

Ok so OP did describe her tone as abrupt, and she could have turned the woman away in a more polite way, sure.
But that doesn’t mean she deserves to be slagged off behind her back with an embellished story that didn’t even happen and then referred to as a bully. I really don’t think OP is in the wrong here. If it had been me, I probably wouldn’t have approached them in the first place and would just have smiled, waved - grabbed my coffee and sat in the usual place. Afterwards I’d have said something like “sorry I didn’t come over to say hi, didn’t want to interrupt”
and all would have been well.
If I had sat down, and gotten an abrupt “this is a private conversation” I may have thought it was a bit off of the OP, but probably wouldn’t have thought maybe she’s in the middle of an important conversation and perhaps she’ll apologise later because none of us are perfect. I don’t blame the OP for not wanting to apologise now and I would be dipping out of that group while the other woman is still part of it. She sounds pretty toxic.

Yes, the annoying woman couldn’t have known, but OP is within her rights to explain the situation and for annoying woman to move away. She sounds ghastly, so I wouldn’t give a hoot if she was annoyed with me.

Haha okay. 3 hours later the group all dared to approach one another and finally sat down with a coffee. Meanwhile the cafe had to turn away every other customer as the group were occupying 10 separate tables waiting for an appropriate time to approach one another 😂😂😂

Because as @Notonthestairs says, having good boundaries doesn’t mean you’re rude or abrupt without reason.

You can have excellent boundaries without needing to be abrupt.
Perfectly easy to say ‘I’m just catching up with Fiona, if you grab a table, I’ll join you in a few minutes.”

Why would anyone assume they sat at the same table every week? I meet the same group every other Friday and we reshuffle the tables depending on who turns up and what is available.

I really don’t get this thread. Aren’t us women told all the time that we need to be less people pleaser and better and putting boundaries in place? That’s what the OP did and the other woman is mental for making such a big deal out of it!
If it had been me and she had said it was a private convo I’d have apologised and left. It really is that simple.

Exactly. That would be the normal way to behave here too.

I attend a local book club group -we generally meet at Same big table in a local pub every month.

if I arrived early and saw someone sat at a table for 2 eating with a stranger I’d wave at them and get my drink and go and sit at the usual table and wait for the other book groupers to arrive.

if they were sat eating at our usual table I’d join them and say hello. Probably not if one was say sobbing about sone private issue.

I’d not assume I can join the small table group unless they actively waved me over.

That wouldn’t do well to stoke the “bully” flames…

I’d be private messaging the person who brought new girl in to say majority aren’t happy about new addition. She seems to be ruining the dynamic of what was a friendly group and you’re not happy about her overly dramatic version of what happened.

The reasonable thing to do (asides from not having a private meet up directly ahead of the group meet up in the same location), would have been to manage expectations. A quick message to the group ahead of time explaining you were having a private breakfast with your friend first but will join the group afterwards, ask if whoever arrives first from the group can grab a big table etc etc.

Instead, you’ve almost set this woman up for a fall. She’s arrived early at the agreed meet up venue, saw you and assumed you and your friend were early too so sat down with you. It doesn’t seem as though you delivered your message to her to go away particularly kindly.

So yes, I can see why she’d feel bullied. Maybe it’s time for a bit of self reflection? Just because it may not have been your intention to bully her doesn’t mean that’s not how it came across.

People make mistakes, I think it’s time to gracefully admit yours in the WhatsApp chat.

This

Not if you assume, not unreasonably, that the two other people are also just there slightly early for a group meal.

Yes they would, it's common politeness when you don't know someone very well and they are sitting with someone you don't know at all. It's also often clear from body language when someone is having a private conversation. Ok, if I read it wrong, bounded over and was told to butt out I might feel a little miffed and embarrassed, but the last thing I'd do is message the group about bullying. That's extremely boorish and main character energy, making it all about her. Such drama is really unnecessary.

No one would think to ask "may I join you" to someone they were literally scheduled to meet a few minutes later in that spot. The natural assumption is that they're there for the scheduled meeting and also a bit early. It's certainly not clear from the outside that they're having a private conversation that no one can intrude on.

The weird behaviour here is arranging two separate social engagements back-to-back, in the same place, then insisting the streams can't cross at all. OP is treating her friends like back-to-back job interviews. She should have told her private friend that she was meeting a bigger group in the same place shortly, and the private friend was welcome to join them. And she should have been prepared for anyone from the bigger group to arrive early, and welcome them to sit with her - cutting short any private conversation and parking it for another time if necessary. That's natural, polite social etiquette. And if she wanted a private conversation that no one could intrude on then she should have gone somewhere else (that 10 other women weren't about to rock up at).

Well, it sounds as if you were rude to her because she wasn’t psychic and didn’t know that you weren’t just also earlier to the big group breakfast. I also think that, in a core group that can be as big as ten people, you’re likely to encounter some individuals you’re less keen on. You either deal with that or leave the group.

I stand by what I said. And my brain computes just fine.

Something as simple as smiling to acknowledge them and then moving on would work. It'd indicate to them that she feels friendly but doesn't want to interrupt. If they want her to join them, they'll ask. No big blow-up, just good manners.

Same here. I swing between thinking “I wish I had a regular catch up group like this” and then remembering what groups of women are like.

Someone should have had a chat with introducing friend ages ago to say that you don’t want extra people coming. It’s awkward but now nothings been said, the new lady will think she’s welcome. Bitching about her and being abrupt isn’t nice.

”sorry to be a pain but I’m just finishing up my breakfast with a friend, I’ll be over at 10am for coffee - hope you’re well!” Would have landed much better than “this is a private conversation “ which just sounds childish.

It’s not what you say but how you say it. Work on your kindness.

tbh I think the reason why you’re annoyed at being called a bully is because you know you don’t like her and your behaviour probably has crossed that line. Let’s face it, if it was one of the friends you do like, you probably would have let them join you and introduced them (that’s just social niceties). But your disdain for her shone through. You should probably leave the group because openly not liking someone in a group is just cruel.