How to get over limerance

It’s both.

If you really want to save your marriage, which most people would recommend if your DH is a decent guy, STOP going to the place where you see this man. Tell your friends you can't go any more. (delete any info/contact/photos/apps you have for him so you won't be tempted)
THEN
Start spending time with your DH. Plan some fun things to do together and some date nights. The grass is greener where you water it and you can rebuild. Some fun times together should remind you why you married him and start you on the road to recovery.

You have already ruined innocent people's lives. The moment you started flirting, every time you kiss him.
As many others have already pointed out you ARE having an affair and you need to acknowledge it. Your husband, his wife and your grown up children are innocent. You know what you need to do and the first thing is to be honest.

Why would you be obsessed with a flamboyant pianist who died nearly 40 years ago? You need to get over it.

Me, me, me, me. What do you have to say for your spouses, OP? Maybe write a post about them.

It will pass. It's a fever that will break. Change your routine, you're in a rut. Keep busy. Go running, swimming, cycling. Self care is important.

Trust me I'm old it's not worth smashing up a marriage over a fantasy.

You’re making a choice and you’ve been making it for a while. These things do not “just happen”. If you want to keep your marriage, stop going there. It really is that simple. You can’t say you love your husband enough to want to stop cheating but simultaneously refuse to do the easiest thing that will stop you from cheating. If you want to blow up your marriage, by all means continue. But you know what the consequences are.

People think limerence is a made up thing but it is not. This is not limerence . This is an affair . It’s the misuse of the term in this manner that makes people think it’s bullshit and I can see why

One way to help yourself get over it is to stop using the aggrandising word 'limerance'. It suggests a validation - almost a celebration - of a simple crush and a simple sexual interest.

Yes, quite.

Yeah that’s what I thought. And if it is, she’s basically chasing the guy.

Pathetic behaviour

Limerance??! You’re having an affair. You’re already party to his wife’s potential heartache and the potential end of your own marriage.

I’m inclined to say grow the fuck up, and just say no. You’re an adult with agency; you don’t need a strategy beyond that.

Don’t worry though OP, you’ll soon have all the infidelity apologists on the thread telling you how “life is complex” and how it’s all entirely your husband’s fault.

Imagine if you'd found out your husband snogged another woman and he said sorry love I just couldn't help myself. She's always in my local pub when I go and it's always been my local so I'm not stopping going but when I go she's there so i just can't help it.
You'd be fine with that would you?

Are you the poster that posted recently about a music venue that you go to but your friend couldn’t go this time but you flirt with one of the guys there? Apologies if that’s not you.

You are making yourself feel better by styling this as limerance so you can claim that you "can't help yourself". The truth is that you are cheating and you could easily stop this just by avoiding going to that one place.

This happened to me and I split up with my husband, he left his wife and we've been together for twenty years now.

That’s an incorrect definition of Limerance.

Jesus Christ. Stop cheating on your husband.

If you want to end your marriage, do that, and look for a partner when you are single and available.

You're making a choice every time you go to this place. You clearly go to continue your affair.

I don't think the "helpless in the face of my emotions and I can't possibly stop going to places to meet up with the object of my affections" narrative is helpful at all in this case.

This isnt limerence, you are having an affair.

This is 100% within your control. The only way to stop this is to not see him, do not allow yourself to fantasise about him, do not search him on social media, etc You stop all contact cold turkey. Yes, it will be hard, yes, it will feel like the world is ending but in a few months it will get better and you will forget him.

Put an elastic band on your wrist and every time you think of him, snap it hard and imagine the worst possible scenario once this comes out in the open- imagine children crying and wailing, his wife's face, him sleazing onto another woman (which he will, make no mistake- you arent that special to him).

This isnt something that is just happening to you against your will, this is something you are choosing to engage with. Own it.

You’re having an affair. Pack it in.

Grow up and stop being selfish. Or carry on as you are and probably blow up your whole life for the sake of someone who is stringing you along for his own entertainment. He isn’t mooning over you the same way as you are. He most likely doesn’t give you a second thought when you’re not there. Step back and realise how ridiculous it is and how you’re being made a fool of for nothing.

Plan A
What you do is is tell yourself you’re extremely lucky to have got away with this and not ruined many people’s lives. You think your lucky stars you have not blown up your husband’s life. You put your big girl knickers on and every time you obsess about your affair partner you tell yourself ‘I am a selfish idiot and need to get over this’ and that’s it. It will very gradually stop and you then put the energy back into your marriage and arrange some fun stuff to do with your husband. Every obsessive thought you have is energy not going into your marriage.

Plan B
Divorce you husband.

There is no plan C.