Secretive husband

What resonates with me is where you say that he could be avoiding mentioning things that could open a debate. My DH will often tell me that he has told me something when he has not. He is fairly convinced of it and it drives me mad as I have to question my own memory. They are ordinary things like telling me his dad is away on holiday or his sister has a new job or that his aunt is in hospital. Or maybe plans like he is going out to watch rugby with friends and so on. I went into this subject just this week with a coach I am seeing. It does feel to me that I generally am inquisitive and many things he will tell me might open up a long conversation, questions or possibly challenges. In that moment it may not be a good time for him to go into that and so he parks it in his head for later. He also has ADHD and so maybe can forget. I also think there is an emotional immaturity with it too where he does not want to deal with an emotional discussion (e.g. I would get upset saying we have not seen your dad for ages as he is always too busy and now he is away on holiday with other family members). The rugby example was that we had actually discussed it but he was still unsure if he would go. He did not tell me once he had decided to go but then he seems convinced we have discussed it. It drives me mad and we have to work out a way to communicate better but I do believe he often does not realise he hasn't said things to me but rather in his head. I think this because there are so many harmless examples where he starts talking about something that has happened or a friend etc as if he is continuing on from a previous conversation which I no nothing about

I would have thought it was glaringly obvious why he lied in all those scenarios

Viagra - Embarrassing
Porn - Doesn’t everyone do that in secret?
Lunch with his mate - You don’t like him

None of these are red flags IMO

DH used to do this to me and I felt insulted that he characterised me as unreasonable which I felt was unfair. Other people started to see it, e.g. his best friend would turn up and, when we chatted, it became obvious that I didn’t know a lot of things, mostly minor things so why bother? Even more insulting. The BF was not impressed, he was just one of quite a few

What was his previous relationships like

did he have to hide a lot from those things as well from her - did she get v angry at him ?

maybe he is traumatised from his previous relationships??

Always trust your instincts.
It's also up to him to ensure you feel safe and secure in the relationship, not for you to have to interrogate him.
If it walks like a duck, etc ...

I could be your DH in this scenario and I do it for a quiet life.

My own DH voices his unasked/unwanted opinion on every damn thing I do or say. I constantly feel criticised, like I have to justify every simple thing I want to do - we are the opposites that attracted and as such we don't have many shared interests so he just 'doesn't get' the things I like - which I think partly explains his behaviour, but I just can't be assed so I'd rather keep quiet or lie if it means not being mined for information or argued with over everyday activities.

I'm not suggesting you're the same as my DH but maybe your relationship has some similarities to mine?

@Arlanymor "Most of what you have mentioned is to do with his physical health and of course he's entitled to his privacy there"

ED is something that definitely should be shared in a marriage as it affects both partners. Likewise with weight loss jabs. He might have side effects, changes to blood sugar levels or mood swings which your spouse should know how to deal with or at least understand. Hiding, or even lying about, physical health when you're in the most intimate and enduring relationship of your life doesn't align with my view of marriage and I suspect many other people's too.

Deliberately not telling someone something is the same as lying. How can you trust him?

Op you partner already has been deceitful and damaged the trust with the porn/OF
Why should all the compromise be on your behalf op to give him the benefit of the doubt?
Any loving partner who could easily make their partner feel safer in the relationship would do so when it's sharing transparency over very innocent things. It just takes consideration.

Sharing my "chin hairs" only brings my husband and I closer. It's fine to have more privacy in a relationship where you're both happy for that and trust hasn't been damaged. That's not the case for op.

Until you discover otherwise then take it as he’s just more private than you. There’s no point creating problems where there isn’t any.

People are allowed privacy even when in a relationship especially if it’s to do with something personal and would feel embarrassed to share.

@simpleminds6 say for instance you get hairy chin when you’re older, would you tell your husband you buy cream for this or go for laser treatment? No, you’d rather not mention it and just deal with the unsightly issue. That’s how he feels with his viagra and weight loss jabs. As for his friend, he probably just doesn’t want to cause any unnecessary upset over a quick catch-up with a friend.

I think you’re being too nosy on the little things.

Closet gay??

ive got a male friend who can be bothered arguing about stuff and told me he says “yes” to things at the time (to his then wife and still nowadays to his mother) and then does what he wants. says it’s an easier life without arguments. i think he disrespects all around him.

it was none of my business. till he did it to me. that pissed me off no end.

he just decides that his opinion is the only one that matters and to hell with the rest of you he knows best. Even when he doesn’t and is making poor decisions.

I think it’s about him not wantimg to argue because he doesn’t or cannot explain himself for whatever reason so he just arrogantly says yes and does no.

if your husband is doimg porn and not you it’s because he’s not that into you. i think your relationship is on rocky ground. get your ducks in a row first before info is squirrelled away and then talk to him about the future ss youre not a glorified housekeeper or mother figure keeping house for him to do whatever he wants youre his wife and he promised to share his life with you not use you as a housekeeper while he shops around for someone more sexy to spend an hour with via cam in bed.

Check out omar minwhalla secret sexual basement op and see if anything feels like it might fit for your situation.

Others maybe fine with pornography and secrecy in their relationships but for me I want complete transparency thats how you build trust especially after its been broken which yours has op. The porn and OF would of been deal breakers for me. You deserve the right to know about these things as they do concern you op. It's your sexual relationship too.

The lying and hiding is a pattern. Could it be innocent yes but could it also be signs of wider abuse patterns, absolutely. I'd suggest getting individual counselling op for you to work out what your particular situation really is and for support.

I'd reccomend joining reddit love after porn group for the resources and support. To get a picture of wider behaviour. It might not fit for you situation but it's worth investigating.

Wishing you the best op, trust your gut.

It's known that porn contributes to ED. He is possibly looking at porn, more than you're aware, so that will cause him to be secretive because no one should be bragging about porn.

It sounds like he has a lot of insecurities and doesn't want to be challenged or questioned.

You want him to be transparent, and I don't blame you, but is he able to talk to you without judgement?

On one hand, he despise any sort of conflict so much that he will do anything to avoid even the most innocent conversation when he has to explain himself.

On the other hand, you lack self awareness about how you go on about things that he has a right to do and he finds it exhausting.

Or somewhere in between the two.

Up until you mentioned OF, I didn’t see that he had done anything wrong. The viagra and weight loss jabs are really his business and he doesn’t want to have any other opinions on it. The porn, I think is normal and meeting a friend you dislike isn’t worth discussing with you. There probably isn’t anything interesting to tell you about the female colleague or he just switches off from work when not there.

The only fans is a worry though. Although maybe it’s linked to his ED and he’s just trying to sort through the issue trying anything available to him.

Discuss the OF, drop the rest.

It doesn't sound to me as though you are partners in your relationship OP.
He doesn't share things with you which are really important to your marriage. And he misleads you even if he isn't downright lying to you.

Tbh I doubt whether you really know the man you are married to and it seems that's what he wants: to keep you at arms length. The fact he watches porn and uses OF means he sees women as sexual objects to be used, not as people.

It's not the type of relationship I would want to be in OP. And the porn and OF would have finished the marriage for me.
That is who is OP and you won't change him. So the question is whether you want to accept him as he is or end the marriage

If my partner judged my choice of friends, I wouldn’t tell him who I was meeting up with either.