AIBU to check if my son's friend can manage his birthday party?

You said she's not inviting him as he has a disability. If she hasn't said that where are you getting it from?

Not said what? I didn’t mention anything you had said.

Inviting someone to a party that they’re not able to physically take part it isn’t showing that he’s ‘included and wanted’. It’s doing the exact opposite.

OP, I’d be helping your DS to find an alternative activity that his friend is definitely able to do if he does want him there.

I think you’re getting answers which annoys me you because your op isn’t honest.

you don’t actually want to ‘check’ - you want to tell the friend’s dm “please don’t accept unless friend will definitely be attending, because he has missed the last three birthdays and wasted my money”.

obviously that makes you sound awful so you haven’t been honest in your op.

I don’t think there’s any way of saying this directly to friend’s dm without sounding even worse, I’m afraid.

And over the course of a year, is £20 more than you can afford to lose in order to make the friend feel welcome and the mum not utterly torn between her child’s desire, and his psychological, emotional or physical ability, to attend like a ‘normal’ child?

I have a son who has a condition which means he often can not do what other kids do- though we have never accepted an invite and pulled out last minute, thats unfair on all parties!
When he was younger it wasn't as much of a problem as even eith football games he could ref but as they have got older all the activities are so much more physical - paintball, go-karting, trampoline etc

My son knows his limitations and whilst it hurts to not go to these celebrations , he understands why ( he is 10). What i really appreciate is that every time the parents phone/ text me to say they would have liked to include him, where they go for food after he joins them there and then he often does cinema/ gaming right/ sleepover on another night so he does celebrate with them.

Could you suggest that as a compromise?

I wouldn’t invite anyone to something pre paid if they had form for cancelling last minute and wasting the money I would invite him and mum over for bday cake and a movie another night

No she doesn't want a kid to

1. Desperately want to come to his friend's party
2. Be the only kid who is unable to join in
3. Feel worried that he'll look bad/silly or hurt himself
4. Have to chose that risk, or be left out
5. Clearly realise on the morning that although he wants to come, he's too scared, or
6. Potentially actually really hurt himself because he's tried to do something beyond his capabilities because he didn't want to be left out.

Honestly I would say something like
"X would really like Y to come to his party, but we know Y will find Ninja Warrior difficult. He is, of course welcome to try it he likes, but X and us would be very happy to take Y out for (name another activity that X&Y both love) and some food the following day/weekend/during the summer hols."

I am somewhat physically disabled - I wouldn't cope with Ninja Warrior, would hate it and be scared stiff I was going to hurt myself, but would also have hated to be left out. I would have also worried about looking ungrateful or like I didn't care about my friend if I said no. This way you aren't just leaving friend out of the main party, but you also are also acknowledging that he might need to say no due to safety and ability, and giving him another option to celebrate his friend's birthday which he may want and feel he should do.

Can you please the place and explain you are booking for 6 or whatevs but might want to add one more on the day? Rather than pay for him and him drop off.

I'm sure if you explain they'll be fine with one extra.

If you're good friends with his mum are you close enough to be direct and say you'll be delighted to invite him, but if she doesn't think he'll end up coming, you'd rather his place doesn't go to waste and suggest the boys plan to do x another day?

I think not inviting him because he’s got a disability, when you are inviting other friends, is excluding him because he’s is disabled.

OP is not thinking of not inviting him because he's disabled. She's thinking of not inviting him because he always drops out on the morning of the party. If a child who wasn't disabled did that every time, you'd stop inviting him, wouldn't you?

Because alternatives are always arranged and he's always invited to parties/events etc he can take part in. He knows that if he was physically capable, he'd be invited to those parties.

I think it sounds like she is fed up of inviting him and him being a no show, and with this being an activity he might not be able to do much of then I think it is fair she questions what to do say to the mum.

As I said, if they are close then maybe asking what would work for him would help, is there a reason why he has not gone to previous parties and maybe would prefer to do something individually.
I don't think it's fair if the OP keeps inviting him and they keep saying yes, knowing that they will pull out on the day. Parties are expensive if it's something like this and it's not like you can message someone else on the day and invite instead.

It was clearly implied from your OP! Your follow up comment about considering not paying for him just confirms that.
tbh you sound like you don’t like this friend and don’t want him to come.

I guess my son likes to know he was invited - if you’re just not invited how do you know whether that’s because of the disability or because they chose other friends?

My son isn't hurt because he knows he can't do those types of parties. He'd be hurt if he was left out of things he's capable of doing and/or they didn't do anything alternative with him but alternatives are always arranged when it's a party he can't do and that's all he cares about.

I think not inviting him because he’s got a disability, when you are inviting other friends, is excluding him because he’s is disabled. It might make a lot of sense, but it could still cause hurt

Message the parents saying (son's name) is really keen to celebrate his birthday with (their child's name) but we realise there will be challenges with the physical nature of parts of the day - what's the best way to ensure (their child's name) can feel included and participate as much as possible? Have you asked the Ninja centre what adaptations and accommodations are feasible for physically disabled children? You might be surprised what they can manage given notice.

Really? We like getting invites - even if it’s obvious my son won’t manage it, he likes to know he’s been invited, and to know what his friend is doing for his party. He’d be really hurt to not be invited to his friends party.

I did this with one of DS friends whose mum always said yes and he never showed up. No message or anything. I did check with the place where the party was how likely it would be to add an extra on on the day and they said it would probably be fine. He didn’t show up.

My son is physically disabled and I'd be a bit baffled if I received an invite for him to something like a ninja warrior party as it is obvious he can't do it due to his disability.

An alternative option is fine with me, I really don't need an invitation to something everyone knows I'd have to decline.

giving him the opportunity to say no thank you would have been much nicer.

That's exactly what the OP has done for the past few years. However, rather than saying no thank you, the parents / child have repeatedly pulled out on the morning of the party.

DD7 has additional needs and has always been invited to parties. It’s usually a group invite then the parents would message me privately to say that DC would love for my DD to join but if it’s not suitable for her then they absolutely understand and we can catch up on another day.

Honestly I’d be a bit horrified if I received a message from birthday child’s parents telling me that the party wasn’t suitable for my child….surely that’s my decision to make (I have politely declined several parties due to this but have always appreciated being given the opportunity for DD to attend.)

OP I say definitely invite the child with a message to parents saying you understand if they can’t make it and offer an alternative.