AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

He's in his 50s?? He's been lonely since he split with OP's mum some time ago so his loneliness and sadness is entirely his responsibility. He's not a frail old man, he's late middle aged with a job and every means of making friends or spending time with people if he wants to. How is his DD who has her own life and responsibilities supposed to fix being lonely and sad for some guy who is lonely and sad as part of his personality??

Does he care about you? I’m not seeing it from what you’ve posted. He’s done a number on you where you are thinking you can make him happier. You can’t make other people happier, only he can control that.

I think when someone is ND (and especially when they are unaware) they often have no idea how their behaviour comes across to others. His refusal to go outside his comfort zone and to join in noisy or new activities will seem perfectly logical to him, but he may not understand how it impacts you.

He has chosen to limit his life to only the things that he wants to do. His enthusiasm for spending time with you doesn't extend to doing the things he doesn't enjoy just for the pleasure of being part of the family. Which is fair enough.

But, if he doesn't get pleasure from spending time with you and the children, doesn't want to come out with you, doesn't want you to go round there, then there's not much either of you can do about it.

It is absolutely not your responsibility to tie yourself in knots to do the thing that he would choose even if they are awkward or inconvenient to you.

If he complains that he hasn't seen you, remind him that he has chosen to limit the activities you can do together. If he basically only wants to come to your house, then he can't expect you and the kids (and the kids' dad who possibly might warrant more consideration on father's day) to never go anywhere to facilitate that.

He has to accept that his choice of activity will only be possible when you're there, and not ill, and it suits the whole household. 🤷🏻

Could you really not arrange some childcare or have your DH re-arrange work in order for you to see your dad? Maybe he feels pushed out if he never gets to spend any time with you alone and this is just the straw that broke the camels' back, so to speak.

Yes, I didn't want to say it but a lot of what OP describes would point towards autism - I'm autistic myself and it runs in my family so I'm not meaning to armchair diagnose, but there are a lot of "bells" in her answers.

Telephone him for a 10 minute chat every other evening or 3 times a week

Send him the odd bunch of flowers or bottle of scotch saying that you love him

Have him over once a month for a kitchen table supper

Take him to a car museum or something similar twice a year

I think what I mean is..... try to get past his obstructive, difficult barriers which I expect he erects to protect his vulnerability......and offer him small ways to prove to him that he's loved because of and despite who he is/pretends to be

I wouldn't bother celebrating Father's Day with a grumpy adult. Father's Day, which is merely a commercial construct that originated in USA, is quite nice for little ones who usually see Dad on Sunday, anyway, because Dad does things for them, as a matter of course
I bet you can't say that about your DF.

His issues with being a bit of a loner and not making much effort aside. I do think the holding on to the card was probably a bit misguided. When people are lonely, the smallest things amplify that. It's not your fault he declined to spend the day with you but he probably sat at home feeling sorry for himself. Is he depressed? Could he actually be neurodiverse and that is why he avoids social situations? I suspect my dm has some kind of neurodiversity which is actually the driver behind some of her less reasonable behaviours.

I think you could have popped round for an hour with his card surely?

Leave your kids with your husband and go and spend time with your dad - tinker with his cars with him if that's what makes him happy.

When you told him the bulk of your household was down with noro did he ask if you needed anything?

How justified he is to be upset depends if he gives as much effort as he expects

Yes that he doesn’t like you visiting with the kids

which is not what I suggested 😕

Who said bring the kids? Just to have popped around at some point with a card for a cuppa.

But why would he join you on a day out that he wouldn't enjoy? It sounds like it was a day out for your family that you invited him on as an afterthought.

You also didn't need to post the card or visit with your kids - you have a DH at home who could have stayed with them while you went over.

I don’t see the point of a card after the event. You live 5 mins away and could have / should have made the effort to drop it off

I'm not making him into a martyr

You live five minutes away - you could quite easily have popped round on your own after work or for an hour one weekend morning for a coffee and a chat if you really wanted to.

Him not wanting to come to the zoo or dinner isn't really relevant.

If it was noro going through the family, that could have been transmitted on a card, even if you'd stood back to wish him HFD.

It sounds like he's looking for an excuse to get in a strop. I mean, it wasn't perfect but you can only do what you can do, and you've got your own family to think about.

Help him not to be sad, lonely and old. You don't have to do this, you have zero obligation to do this, but please do it