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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

235 replies

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:22

I will try to give a bit of context without rambling. I am in my early 30s and my Dad is in his late 50s. He lives alone and has done since he separated from my mum when I was 9. I am his only child. I have two young children of my own age 4 and 7 months.
To my knowledge, he has never tried to date. He lives a solitary lifestyle, seemingly by choice. He doesn't really have any friends: his closest friend and neighbour died about 5 years ago. He works full time and says he doesn't even really interact with his colleagues.

Now onto the problem where I'm wondering if IBU. For Father's day this year, I offered to make him dinner, as I do every year, and take him out. He usually accepts the dinner but not the day out as they're 'not his thing', same happened this year. Unfortunately, on the day, both DD and DH were ill with a stomach bug so I apologised and suggested we reschedule to the following weekend. He was non-comittal about this but agreed, then weekend comes and he says he is busy! I ask him when he is free he says he doesn't know and is being very shady about things. During a phone call that afternoon, he said that I don't really make an effort with him, he didn't even get a card on Father's day and he had to tell his brother (my uncle who I have nothing to do with) he'd had nothing and seen nobody. I repeated my apology about the illness but he continued to rant how he only lives 5 mins away but he never sees me. In hindsight I could have potentially popped his card around but I thought it'd be nicer to give it to him when I saw him the following weekend. I am usually the first to message him, I try to arrange things to do together but it is difficult as he can't eat many foods with gut issues he has, he doesn't really have any hobbies and he doesn't like going out with me and my DC as anywhere fun for them he says isn't his thing and he just seems bored.
AIBU? Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 13:34

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He text last night and we've rearranged dinner.

OP posts:
Rockplanet · 06/07/2026 13:32

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Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 13:32

Sartre · 06/07/2026 10:42

He’s mostly upset because he didn’t get his card/gift before the actual day, as most would be tbh. Why didn’t you drop it before Father’s Day? That would have avoided all of this animosity.

Because I had already asked him the Thursday before Father's day when I saw him if he wanted his cards that day. He said he'd wait until he came for dinner then following week. Plus I didn't know it would be such a major issue. I have quite often had birthday/Christmas cards late and not been bothered about it just because it's not the actual date.

OP posts:
Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 13:31

Goldengirl123 · 06/07/2026 09:41

You could have sent his card. Why did you think it would have been nicer to give it to him the following weekend when it wasn’t Father’s Day?

Because that's when we were supposed to be celebrating it and I had already asked him if he wanted them the Thursday before Father's day and he said he'd wait and have them when he visited for dinner.

OP posts:
Sartre · 06/07/2026 10:42

He’s mostly upset because he didn’t get his card/gift before the actual day, as most would be tbh. Why didn’t you drop it before Father’s Day? That would have avoided all of this animosity.

Tamtim · 06/07/2026 10:37

It sounds like he’s not prepared to make an effort by joining you. He doesn’t want to go out, he finds it boring being at your house when the kids are playing and he doesn’t want you round at his place with your kids. You have a baby so what does he expect from you? It sounds like you do make an effort by inviting him places but he declines. That’s on him. He’s an adult and you are not responsible for him.

Rockplanet · 06/07/2026 10:21

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Idontjetwashthefucker · 06/07/2026 10:15

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 20:23

He won’t have a problem with a baby as he won’t have to interact with them surely?

You are like a dog with a bone! Where's the effort from her dad, he sounds like he's not bothered whether he sees her or not, doesn't want to spend time with the kids, doesn't want OP just popping in. Effort works both ways

Goldengirl123 · 06/07/2026 09:41

You could have sent his card. Why did you think it would have been nicer to give it to him the following weekend when it wasn’t Father’s Day?

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 20:23

He won’t have a problem with a baby as he won’t have to interact with them surely?

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 20:23

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 18:51

I feel like you aren't really considering the reality of having young children, including a baby who is breastfed. So yes, I do always have at least one child with me, I have to organise with my DH who works 6 days a week when I go out for an appointment or whatever.

I'm not sure if you can gauge from my previous posts but my dad really wouldn't take kindly to me just popping over to his house, it's not in his nature and we don't have that kind of relationship. He also only drinks herbal tea and water so a drink in the garden isn't the social event you think it is. He hasn't responded to my query about when he is next free so I don't know at the moment, likely one day after work or next weekend.

You are not close to him, and don’t think much of him, and he struggles around small children.

Next year… send the card and leave it at that . It sounds like it was a card to open on the day itself that was important to him

Lararoft · 05/07/2026 20:21

When I had norovirus really bad, my 78 year old Dad who has an autoimmune condition & lives 10 miles away, dropped off some shopping at my door (white bread & other plain items that help settle the stomach).. that is something like what OP’s dad should have done instead of moaning to his brother about the card!

My dad would’ve loved to have had grandchildren too.

And can everyone stop referring to OP’s Dad as ‘old’ - late 50s really is not old. I’m nearly 50 and this is so depressing lol.

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 20:21

pikkumyy77 · 05/07/2026 19:04

Its not a court of law and OP doesn’t have to present evidence to you. She is a grown woman juggling multiple peoples demands. Who are you to say how she should portion her time?

I don’t think she owes anything to anyone
but saying you can’t pop in to someone who lives 5 mins away because you are literally
Never without 1 child is… well a bit silly

MasterBeth · 05/07/2026 19:33

You might not have managed to send him his card for Father's Day but he left you when you were nine.

I know which feels like the bigger betrayal to me.

Eggplant19 · 05/07/2026 19:15

This sounds exactly like something my father would say! No you are not being unreasonable. Your children were sick!

It was Mother’s Day a week after I had a traumatic birth (I nearly bled to death, forceps) and my dad said he couldn’t believe I didn’t post a card or send my mum flowers??? I was absolutely gob snacked but deep down knew he would fuss about it…

pikkumyy77 · 05/07/2026 19:04

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 17:51

When do you next plan to see him? Why not pop over now for a drink in the garden? You’ll be there in 5 mins.

And the suggestion that you never ever are without one child because of clubs and your dh working is… well clearly not always the truth

Its not a court of law and OP doesn’t have to present evidence to you. She is a grown woman juggling multiple peoples demands. Who are you to say how she should portion her time?

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 18:51

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 17:51

When do you next plan to see him? Why not pop over now for a drink in the garden? You’ll be there in 5 mins.

And the suggestion that you never ever are without one child because of clubs and your dh working is… well clearly not always the truth

I feel like you aren't really considering the reality of having young children, including a baby who is breastfed. So yes, I do always have at least one child with me, I have to organise with my DH who works 6 days a week when I go out for an appointment or whatever.

I'm not sure if you can gauge from my previous posts but my dad really wouldn't take kindly to me just popping over to his house, it's not in his nature and we don't have that kind of relationship. He also only drinks herbal tea and water so a drink in the garden isn't the social event you think it is. He hasn't responded to my query about when he is next free so I don't know at the moment, likely one day after work or next weekend.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 05/07/2026 18:18

Pickledonions12 · 05/07/2026 15:30

Telephone him for a 10 minute chat every other evening or 3 times a week

Send him the odd bunch of flowers or bottle of scotch saying that you love him

Have him over once a month for a kitchen table supper

Take him to a car museum or something similar twice a year

I think what I mean is..... try to get past his obstructive, difficult barriers which I expect he erects to protect his vulnerability......and offer him small ways to prove to him that he's loved because of and despite who he is/pretends to be

Edited

Is this a joke? OP's dad is in his 50s, still works full-time and is exasperated by his own grandchildren but OP is supposed to bend over backwards to pander to him and his anti-social quirks?

I would imagine that OP is very busy with work and her young children and maybe can't afford to send him bottles of scotch to reward him for his needy and guilt-tripping behaviour.

DaisyChain505 · 05/07/2026 18:02

He sounds like a typical grumpy old man who’s stuck in his ways. If he wanted to he could be a big part of yours and your children’s lives. That’s on him that he isnt.

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 17:51

When do you next plan to see him? Why not pop over now for a drink in the garden? You’ll be there in 5 mins.

And the suggestion that you never ever are without one child because of clubs and your dh working is… well clearly not always the truth

thepariscrimefiles · 05/07/2026 17:41

BlueMum16 · 05/07/2026 14:43

So it's 3 weeks gone and you've not been to see him to give him a card? No wonder he's pissed off.

He sounds like a miserable arsehole who doesn't make any effort himself. She messaged him to wish him Happy Father's Day on the day itself.

There's obviously a reason why he hasn't got any friends.

Veronyk · 05/07/2026 17:33

pikkumyy77 · 05/07/2026 17:16

Oh FFS why is a 50 year old man’s petty whining treated as a world historical act if cruelty on OP’s part? He barely has a relationship with her and its all on his iwn terms. He isn’t and wasn’t father of the year. And he can’t even be gracious and accept the gift she does offer him. Instead he gets stuck and perseverates on the ine area where he can throw blame—the card. Why are so many MN’ers determined to baby a 50 year old man? Shouldn't he learn some resilience?

Exactly.
A healthy man in his 50s whinging because his daughter - who had a young child and a baby and a vomiting bug to deal with - postponed a card-bearing visit.
Where was he with offers of help and gifts to cheer your family up when they were ill?
And why can't he make an effort and go to do something child-friendly once in a while?
Miserable sod.

HoppityBun · 05/07/2026 17:28

pikkumyy77 · 05/07/2026 17:16

Oh FFS why is a 50 year old man’s petty whining treated as a world historical act if cruelty on OP’s part? He barely has a relationship with her and its all on his iwn terms. He isn’t and wasn’t father of the year. And he can’t even be gracious and accept the gift she does offer him. Instead he gets stuck and perseverates on the ine area where he can throw blame—the card. Why are so many MN’ers determined to baby a 50 year old man? Shouldn't he learn some resilience?

Late 50s. But certainly not a frail old man

RoseField1 · 05/07/2026 17:21

pikkumyy77 · 05/07/2026 17:16

Oh FFS why is a 50 year old man’s petty whining treated as a world historical act if cruelty on OP’s part? He barely has a relationship with her and its all on his iwn terms. He isn’t and wasn’t father of the year. And he can’t even be gracious and accept the gift she does offer him. Instead he gets stuck and perseverates on the ine area where he can throw blame—the card. Why are so many MN’ers determined to baby a 50 year old man? Shouldn't he learn some resilience?

Mainly because misogyny, projection and over-identification I would say. Someone on the thread diagnosed him as autistic and from then on he became a sad lonely overwhelmed old man who can't change anything for himself. All bollocks.

pikkumyy77 · 05/07/2026 17:16

Oh FFS why is a 50 year old man’s petty whining treated as a world historical act if cruelty on OP’s part? He barely has a relationship with her and its all on his iwn terms. He isn’t and wasn’t father of the year. And he can’t even be gracious and accept the gift she does offer him. Instead he gets stuck and perseverates on the ine area where he can throw blame—the card. Why are so many MN’ers determined to baby a 50 year old man? Shouldn't he learn some resilience?