Page 5 | AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

Petuniapet · 2026-07-05T13:22:31+00:00

I will try to give a bit of context without rambling. I am in my early 30s and my Dad is in his late 50s. He lives alone and has done since he separated from my mum when I was 9. I am his only child. I have two young children of my own age 4 and 7 months. To my knowledge, he has never tried to date. He lives a solitary lifestyle, seemingly by choice. He doesn't really have any friends: his closest friend and neighbour died about 5 years ago. He works full time and says he doesn't even really interact with his colleagues. Now onto the problem where I'm wondering if IBU. For Father's day this year, I offered to make him dinner, as I do every year, and take him out. He usually accepts the dinner but not the day out as they're 'not his thing', same happened this year. Unfortunately, on the day, both DD and DH were ill with a stomach bug so I apologised and suggested we reschedule to the following weekend. He was non-comittal about this but agreed, then weekend comes and he says he is busy! I ask him when he is free he says he doesn't know and is being very shady about things. During a phone call that afternoon, he said that I don't really make an effort with him, he didn't even get a card on Father's day and he had to tell his brother (my uncle who I have nothing to do with) he'd had nothing and seen nobody. I repeated my apology about the illness but he continued to rant how he only lives 5 mins away but he never sees me. In hindsight I could have potentially popped his card around but I thought it'd be nicer to give it to him when I saw him the following weekend. I am usually the first to message him, I try to arrange things to do together but it is difficult as he can't eat many foods with gut issues he has, he doesn't really have any hobbies and he doesn't like going out with me and my DC as anywhere fun for them he says isn't his thing and he just seems bored. AIBU? Am I missing something?

Lilypad789 · 06/07/2026 22:40

I always try and make sure someone has their card even if it means posting through the letterbox. So
I would be upset if I hadn’t received mine 2/3 weeks after the event. It’s obviously deeper than that though.

OneNewEagle · 06/07/2026 22:38

EmmaB1309 · 06/07/2026 22:28

He’s not even that old! Only late fifties

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That doesn’t mean he’s not feeling upset. I had a terrible birthday and Mother’s Day this year I’m still upset. I am also insular and feel too upset to talk about it to the family members involved. Also ND.

OneNewEagle · 06/07/2026 22:36

When he’s at home at the weekends just pop around sometimes to say hello, have a chat and a cup of tea. You live so close it’s very easy. And I don’t mean with the kids you have a partner who can look after their kids. Just start building up some dad and daughter time. Just because he’s a hands off grandad and was the same when you were a child it doesn’t mean you can’t build up a great relationship now.

what other hobbies does he have? How about a movie night at his house with him or a trip to the cinema? Or pop out to a classic car show.

he’s feeling disappointed, upset and alone.

Gemilo · 06/07/2026 22:34

I think the lesson learned is to put his card in the post in future years. Then if something unforeseen happens he will at least have a card.

OneNewEagle · 06/07/2026 22:29

Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 21:46

I'm just going to summarise what happened here as a few people have asked similar questions or made similar points.

I saw my Dad the Thursday before Father's day, I had already asked him previously if he wanted to join us on a day out on Father's day where we went to the zoo and for dinner afterwards. He had the option of coming to both of these things or just one if he preferred. He said he didn't want to go out for dinner and suggested I use father's day to focus on my DH having a nice day and I could cook him a dinner the weekend after. I said of course no problem if that's what you'd prefer and asked if he'd like to take his cards with him that day. He said no, I'll just have them when I see you for our dinner. I still text him on Father's day to wish him happy father's day and said looking forward to our dinner etc.

Fast forward to the day we had planned dinner, I'd had my DD and DH up all night with D and V so text with apologies to cancel the dinner and said we could rearrange for the following weekend. He works all week and doesn't like to come for dinner after work. He agreed but didn't seem eager to talk so left it at that. At this point I probably could have offered to drop off the cards again but he had already said he wanted to have them when he came for dinner so it didn't really cross my mind to be honest. The rearranged dinner date then came around and I text to ask what time we should expect him. He said he is busy. I said oh ok do you fancy coming during the week then or just for a cuppa. He didn't response so I spoke to him on the phone and he then explained he'd spoke to his brother on the phone (who has not partner or children) who'd asked him about father's day and he said he'd had to tell him he'd had nothing or seen nobody. I said I'm sorry I would have dropped your cards round if I'd known that's what you'd preferred but you asked to have them for dinner. He just continued to grumble something about us not knowing people would be ill. He then said he had to go. It was at this point I messaged on here as I felt a little confused why he was clearly annoyed with me when I had taken his lead on what he wanted to happen for father's day.

We've since spoken and rearranged the dinner. I offered to drop his card round today and/or drop in but he said he's busy with his cars and he will get them when he sees me.

He’s upset. He’s a similar age to me but not good with explaining. Is he ND?

from now on don’t miss the special occasions. You are very lucky to have a caring parent.

EmmaB1309 · 06/07/2026 22:28

Pickledonions12 · 05/07/2026 15:17

Help him not to be sad, lonely and old. You don't have to do this, you have zero obligation to do this, but please do it

He’s not even that old! Only late fifties

OneNewEagle · 06/07/2026 22:27

You should have seen him on Father’s Day.

also why don’t you see and know your uncle? Your dad sounds very lonely.

EmmaB1309 · 06/07/2026 22:24

BlueMum16 · 05/07/2026 14:34

OP wasn't ill. DH and DD were.

I see absolutely no reason why you wouldn't drop round with the card and gift to see him on Fathers Day if he's only 5 mins away.

How often do you see him in a normal week?

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Oh don’t be so ridiculous. You know fine well that sick bugs tend to do the rounds of the house. I would not have taken the risk of going round there and potentially passing a sick bug onto a parent who already has stomach issues.
OP/ he’s acting like a child. Ignore ignore ignore.

Original poster

Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 21:47

BlueMum16 · 06/07/2026 19:44

When for?

Have you dropped his card off in the meantime or are you still making him wait?

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I feel like you're verging on a little too invested. Chill.

OP posts:

Original poster

Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 21:46

I'm just going to summarise what happened here as a few people have asked similar questions or made similar points.

I saw my Dad the Thursday before Father's day, I had already asked him previously if he wanted to join us on a day out on Father's day where we went to the zoo and for dinner afterwards. He had the option of coming to both of these things or just one if he preferred. He said he didn't want to go out for dinner and suggested I use father's day to focus on my DH having a nice day and I could cook him a dinner the weekend after. I said of course no problem if that's what you'd prefer and asked if he'd like to take his cards with him that day. He said no, I'll just have them when I see you for our dinner. I still text him on Father's day to wish him happy father's day and said looking forward to our dinner etc.

Fast forward to the day we had planned dinner, I'd had my DD and DH up all night with D and V so text with apologies to cancel the dinner and said we could rearrange for the following weekend. He works all week and doesn't like to come for dinner after work. He agreed but didn't seem eager to talk so left it at that. At this point I probably could have offered to drop off the cards again but he had already said he wanted to have them when he came for dinner so it didn't really cross my mind to be honest. The rearranged dinner date then came around and I text to ask what time we should expect him. He said he is busy. I said oh ok do you fancy coming during the week then or just for a cuppa. He didn't response so I spoke to him on the phone and he then explained he'd spoke to his brother on the phone (who has not partner or children) who'd asked him about father's day and he said he'd had to tell him he'd had nothing or seen nobody. I said I'm sorry I would have dropped your cards round if I'd known that's what you'd preferred but you asked to have them for dinner. He just continued to grumble something about us not knowing people would be ill. He then said he had to go. It was at this point I messaged on here as I felt a little confused why he was clearly annoyed with me when I had taken his lead on what he wanted to happen for father's day.

We've since spoken and rearranged the dinner. I offered to drop his card round today and/or drop in but he said he's busy with his cars and he will get them when he sees me.

OP posts:

AgileMentor · 06/07/2026 20:47

Was your husband on deaths door? Could he not have managed for the time it took you to do a 10 mile round trip and post the card with a little message that said x and y have bugs didn’t want to pass them on have posted your card through the door.

Idontneedanotherhero · 06/07/2026 20:40

Could he be depressed? He sounds depressed to me.

Dave57 · 06/07/2026 20:30

I feel you could do more but then maybe so could he.

If he is only 5 mins away why don’t you just start sticking your head through the door and having a cuppa now and again. Call in with a nice pack of biscuits or a bit of fruit on the pretence you have bought too many or they were on offer. Take the kids and keep an eye on them or go on your own.

People slagging him off and saying he needs to grow up, we don't know him but he might have got things going on, health issues, anxiety etc. if op isn't close or doesn't make much effort, he might not feel comfortable sharing.

Start making more effort for a while and see how it goes. It might surprise you.

diddl · 06/07/2026 20:25

So no one was ill Father's Day?

You had a day out with your husband & young kids?

Your dad does sound hard work, but I'm also thinking could you not have spared half an hour to drop off the card & spend some time with him?

phoenix72 · 06/07/2026 20:24

Am I right in thinking that you arranged a day out on father's Day for you and the kids, that you knew he wouldn't want to join you for? So, his options were a day out that he wouldn't enjoy, or seeing you a week later. Why didn't you arrange the day out with the children for the week after and prioritise your dad on father's day? In the very least, inviting him to do something he WOULD enjoy, and not effectively cutting him out by planning a day to the zoo. I would be really hurt in his position too.

Scarlettpixie · 06/07/2026 20:16

Yabu. You didn’t see him on Father’s Day because you had a day out and then cancelled the dinner in lieu of Father’s Day the following week. It would have been nicer to do the dinner on father’s day (knowing he wouldn’t come on the day out) or at least popped the card round if there was some reason that couldn’t happen. He just feels a bit lonely by the sound of it and while making out it was all fine initially although was actually a bit upset.

I had a great aunt who made out she was fine one Christmas, didn’t need anything, didn’t want to see anyone etc. When we went round after new year (me aged about 14 and my parents) she burst into tears. She had been so lonely and had seen and spoken to no one. She’d told everyone (neices) the same thing and they all took her at her word. The following year was better. She wouldn’t go anywhere for Christmas dinner but a few phone calls and a visit between Christmas and new year made so much difference.

My point is that older people don’t want to be a bother but they still get lonely or upset. My mum on the other hand had expectations and wasn’t afraid to share them 😀

Glad To hear your dad is coming to dinner.

BlueMum16 · 06/07/2026 20:15

Harry12345 · 06/07/2026 20:10

Who actually speaks to people like this?
is anyone reading what op is saying? She offered him the card on Father’s Day and he said he’d prefer to wait til he seen her but then her kids were sick so she assumed he’d prefer to get card when they meet up again, which he declined, so he couldn’t have been that bothered, and I don’t know much men that are that bothered about cards tbh, I don’t get why no one is talking about him not being a very thoughtful parent, total misogyny on this thread

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Her dad has explained he is upset at not seeing her.

The thread has been a whole discussion about if she's reasonable to be pissed off at his his feelings.

The OP knows he's upset. I'm interested to know how long they are waiting for their dad to get his Father Days card (3 Sundays ago and counting) when she knows he's pissed off and he only lives 5 mins away and she's the only DC.

Don't like it scroll on by.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 06/07/2026 20:13

Sounds utterly selfish. So, he doesn’t bother with his grandchildren and you by the sounds of it. Just expects all the time.

Harry12345 · 06/07/2026 20:10

BlueMum16 · 06/07/2026 19:44

When for?

Have you dropped his card off in the meantime or are you still making him wait?

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Who actually speaks to people like this?
is anyone reading what op is saying? She offered him the card on Father’s Day and he said he’d prefer to wait til he seen her but then her kids were sick so she assumed he’d prefer to get card when they meet up again, which he declined, so he couldn’t have been that bothered, and I don’t know much men that are that bothered about cards tbh, I don’t get why no one is talking about him not being a very thoughtful parent, total misogyny on this thread

Harry12345 · 06/07/2026 20:06

Goldengirl123 · 06/07/2026 09:41

You could have sent his card. Why did you think it would have been nicer to give it to him the following weekend when it wasn’t Father’s Day?

My dad would prefer to see me and open a card rather than a card posted through the door, I’d prefer that with my children too, especially if I know they are busy with sick children and it’s not that they’ve not thought of me

Manthide · 06/07/2026 20:06

thejelliclecats · 05/07/2026 15:54

OP has also said she is ND and suspects he is too, which does put a whole new spin on things. Many "high functioning" members of the older generations never received a diagnosis and were just left to be "different".

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He sounds very like my late db who would have been 60 this year. He never married or had dc but it was a possibility when he was in his 20s. Ds is ND and I strongly suspect he was - it was very difficult to get him 'involved' with the family in social events and he didn't really like us visiting him. He much preferred it when dc got older. At his funeral there were no friends of his.

ByUniqueViper · 06/07/2026 20:01

I feel a bit sorry for him. He clearly has no one but you so he probably looks forward to time spent with you.
Yep everyone was ill but fathers day wasn't the week after. You could have nipped to see him and take a card and possibly a small gift and then rescheduled the plans for the week after.
Your kids are only young but as they get older think how you might feel if they didn't acknowledge mothers day for you.
One of my sons always goes with his girlfriend to see her mum in mother's day and it does tug at the heart strings.

Harry12345 · 06/07/2026 19:57

Jeeso the op works, has two young kids and the kids were sick and the focus is on a grown ass man getting a card, a man who has cancelled plans where he could have got the card. Did he offer you help or support when your kids were sick? I’d never be like this with my kids over a card if there was a good reason, especially when he doesn’t seem to make much effort with his only child

BlueMum16 · 06/07/2026 19:44

Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 13:34

He text last night and we've rearranged dinner.

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When for?

Have you dropped his card off in the meantime or are you still making him wait?

Rockplanet · 06/07/2026 13:36

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