Page 4 | AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

Petuniapet · 2026-07-05T13:22:31+00:00

I will try to give a bit of context without rambling. I am in my early 30s and my Dad is in his late 50s. He lives alone and has done since he separated from my mum when I was 9. I am his only child. I have two young children of my own age 4 and 7 months. To my knowledge, he has never tried to date. He lives a solitary lifestyle, seemingly by choice. He doesn't really have any friends: his closest friend and neighbour died about 5 years ago. He works full time and says he doesn't even really interact with his colleagues. Now onto the problem where I'm wondering if IBU. For Father's day this year, I offered to make him dinner, as I do every year, and take him out. He usually accepts the dinner but not the day out as they're 'not his thing', same happened this year. Unfortunately, on the day, both DD and DH were ill with a stomach bug so I apologised and suggested we reschedule to the following weekend. He was non-comittal about this but agreed, then weekend comes and he says he is busy! I ask him when he is free he says he doesn't know and is being very shady about things. During a phone call that afternoon, he said that I don't really make an effort with him, he didn't even get a card on Father's day and he had to tell his brother (my uncle who I have nothing to do with) he'd had nothing and seen nobody. I repeated my apology about the illness but he continued to rant how he only lives 5 mins away but he never sees me. In hindsight I could have potentially popped his card around but I thought it'd be nicer to give it to him when I saw him the following weekend. I am usually the first to message him, I try to arrange things to do together but it is difficult as he can't eat many foods with gut issues he has, he doesn't really have any hobbies and he doesn't like going out with me and my DC as anywhere fun for them he says isn't his thing and he just seems bored. AIBU? Am I missing something?

Nos4r2 · 07/07/2026 07:14

I expect when writing this you knew most mumnetters would come down on your side. This web site is very anti parents. Your dad is 50 and is not old, perhaps he dosnt like doing things a 4 year old wants to do, have you thought of that? Ask him what he would like to do, even if it is only sitting in with a cup of tea and telly.
You are his only child and Im Not surprise he is upset about Father's day.you know he is a loner and you are all his got so make an effort.
Do you see your mum? Do you know why they spilt up when you were 9. Did you live with your mum or dad.? You could have popped round to give him his card on father's day just for 5 mins.

Velvian · 07/07/2026 07:12

Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 23:46

I am drained and also confused and upset that he is upset. It was never my intention and I thought I was going along with what he said he wanted. I feel like there's this unwritten rulebook that you should do the opposite of what the person has asked as that is what is right. I asked an outright question if he wanted me to drop the cards round so that he had them for father's day and he declined so I find it difficult to understand why I should have ignored that. It felt like to me it was more upset over his brother bringing it up and maybe he felt a bit embarrassed and wouldn't want to admit he declined to see us/have the cards.

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I would message him the gist of this @Petuniapet . You have a lot more on your plate than he does and his is being completely unreasonable.

He is not elderly, not weighed down with any dependants taking up his time and you gave him several options, including taking his card with him shortly before Father's Day.

BlueMum16 · 07/07/2026 07:03

Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 21:47

I feel like you're verging on a little too invested. Chill.

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I just think it's pretty poor know you know he's upset. He's probably ND too and has told you he feels further.

He's at yours in the Thurs you offer cards he declines
Actually fathers day comes and goes with a text, not a phone call, you're busy.
Following week you cancel dinner via a text, no phone call to explain,.not dropping cards and gifts to apologize.
Dinner rearranged.for the following week, again cancelled by text, no phone call. Dad finally discloses he's upset - might be because he brother has highlight how shit it is - and you still do not go and see him but arrange another dinner.

Roll forward 20 years will you be happy your DC putting his much effort in for your DP? Or would you be encouraging them to try just a little bit harder?

Justveryveryangry · 07/07/2026 06:50

Tamtim · 06/07/2026 10:37

It sounds like he’s not prepared to make an effort by joining you. He doesn’t want to go out, he finds it boring being at your house when the kids are playing and he doesn’t want you round at his place with your kids. You have a baby so what does he expect from you? It sounds like you do make an effort by inviting him places but he declines. That’s on him. He’s an adult and you are not responsible for him.

And yet it’s still all the OP’s fault because she didn’t drop round a card despite her DF saying not to bother, and despite managing a house of sick people.

It doesn’t matter how petty, unreasonable, self-centred, lazy, grumpy and bitter the DF is, for quite a few posters, absolutely everything is trumped by the poxy card.

It seems that DF can be as shit as he likes, but on the basis that OP supposedly didn’t behave flawlessly, she’s still the one to blame. Madness!

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 07/07/2026 06:45

Was their opening song "Come as you are" by Nirvana?

Edit apologies ignore wrong thread

Justveryveryangry · 07/07/2026 06:38

Sartre · 06/07/2026 10:42

He’s mostly upset because he didn’t get his card/gift before the actual day, as most would be tbh. Why didn’t you drop it before Father’s Day? That would have avoided all of this animosity.

Yes he didn’t get the card dropped round as the OP was dealing with a sick DH and DC (and having offered to do so regardless).

So what? It takes a particularly self-centred and spoilt person to make such a big drama out of something so petty as not getting a card on the day in such extenuating circumstances.

If that had happened to me, my thoughts would have been with my DD and my SIL and GC and how they were coping with their sickness. It wouldn’t have even crossed my mind about the cards! He’s 50-something, not 5!

topcat2014 · 07/07/2026 06:37

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:42

Yes I messaged him on Father's day and also on the day I cancelled then called him.

Our relationship is okay but we sometimes clash as he is quite critical of things if they are not done the way he would do them. E.g. I bought a house he thinks is 'too expensive', I bought a car he thinks is a rubbish model

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I'm mid 50s, not divorced. One DD. I was kind of empathising a bit with DF until I got to this. Who moans about the house someone buys?

He sounds too much of a childish woe is me victim. Plus avoids the DGC?

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/07/2026 06:32

Oh and I’d add having a go at me is not trying, in case you thought it was. Being mad
at me for not dropping the card in that you asked me not to drop in is the opposite of trying. I can’t win and right now I’m fed up trying. One of us has worked hard at making the other one feel welcome and loved, and one of us just criticises. There are no prizes for working out which one you are.

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/07/2026 06:30

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:20

It is relevant because he could have spent the day with us if he wanted to and was invited to do so.

Yes I could have popped round but as I said in previous responses he prefers us not to visit with the kids and I thought it was a bit rubbish to just post the card.

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If he doesn’t like going out with the op and her family and he doesn’t like her visiting him with kids then he just has to suck up the situation that is of his own making?? I would absolutely not take children around to my parents and be ‘oh no we can’t knock on the door, we don’t go in to grandpas’
‘you know what Dad, you need to get a grip, I have really young children and can’t just leave them. You don’t like coming out with us and you don’t like us visiting and that is just really going to limit our face to face time, even over Father’s Day if we have ill children. These are your choices and I’m sorry the results of your own choices upset you but you don’t get to take it out on me. I’ve been trying here and it’d be nice if you tried too.’

Justveryveryangry · 07/07/2026 06:29

Brokentoes85 · 07/07/2026 00:19

50/50

Not sure why he was bothered by doing nothing and seeing no one when that seems to be how he's chosen to live.

However, if you were cancelling on your end, I think you should have dropped the card round, it's not fathers day the next time you see him.

The OP offered to drop the cards round on the day. Her DF declined… Hardly fair to blame her for that.

But even if she hadn’t under the circumstances, it’s disproportionate and ridiculous of her DF to make to make such an enormous deal out of it.

Justveryveryangry · 07/07/2026 06:24

pikkumyy77 · 07/07/2026 01:22

Just ignore these posters who criticize you over your treatment of the card or your father. Its a non traditional relationship as you are both ND so if it works—when it works—its not going to look like the glurge filled, vaseline smeared camera lens these posters pretend to think you owe him. Frankly I don’t believe that many people can seriously think you did anything wrong. You didn’t. You tried to satisfy innumerable constraints that he throws at you and apparently you guessed wrong at following his instructions . Absolutely ridiculous. He is a very difficult person. You did your best. He threw a whiny pity party.Now forget it.

Agreed. Yes, you can nitpick at the OP’s actions, but none of that excuses her father’s crazy over-reaction and intransigence.

Justveryveryangry · 07/07/2026 06:19

Hatty65 · 05/07/2026 14:28

You were ill.

He needs to behave like an adult. A woman would never have suggested that you could have vomited your way around the corner, bringing your sick child with you to put a card through her door.

I can see why he has few friends

That’s just plain misandry… In my experience a woman is just as capable as being unreasonable as a man on something like this. You only have to browse the threads on here to find some mothers and MIL acting in an appallingly self-centred manner.

RosieRR · 07/07/2026 06:06

Oh dear. He is in his 50s, that is not old. It sounds like you do all the work and get nothing back.
He needs to make an effort and should understand a family illness takes priority.
Do not feel bad about this one. Just carry on, as best as you can.

Ilovemsrachel · 07/07/2026 05:40

What’s happened here is that you have two quite rigid neurodivergent people butting heads. OP - your dad is upset that you changed the plan. You may have had a good reason, but it doesn’t matter to an autistic person (as you say he probably is). Changed plans = upset.

Meanwhile, you are also neurodivergent and being rigid about your own routine. You could have dropped the card round, but that would have meant you being adaptable too and it doesn’t sound like you really are.

pikkumyy77 · 07/07/2026 01:22

Just ignore these posters who criticize you over your treatment of the card or your father. Its a non traditional relationship as you are both ND so if it works—when it works—its not going to look like the glurge filled, vaseline smeared camera lens these posters pretend to think you owe him. Frankly I don’t believe that many people can seriously think you did anything wrong. You didn’t. You tried to satisfy innumerable constraints that he throws at you and apparently you guessed wrong at following his instructions . Absolutely ridiculous. He is a very difficult person. You did your best. He threw a whiny pity party.Now forget it.

Brokentoes85 · 07/07/2026 00:19

50/50

Not sure why he was bothered by doing nothing and seeing no one when that seems to be how he's chosen to live.

However, if you were cancelling on your end, I think you should have dropped the card round, it's not fathers day the next time you see him.

Original poster

Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 23:46

ThatMauveMaker · 06/07/2026 23:03

There's a lot of responsibility on you to maintain this relationship, as he doesn't appear to be reciprocating at any point. As you are ND, is this draining...considering your busy homelife with small children too? You aren't responsible for his happiness, and if he wants a relationship with you so badly he needs to recognise that and pull his socks up to make sure that happens. He can't just say 'that's boring' like some moody teen. You've reached out with fresh invites which he has declined. Let him fester. I bet he will soften at some point, so maybe try again next week if you haven't heard from him before then. Make it clear you are getting the message he isn't ready to see you yet as he is upset and you will contact him next week. He needs to know.your distance is a result of his churlish behavoour.
But, whilst he is bringing up gripes with you, maybe take the opportunity to demonstrate what little effort he makes fo intergrate himself into your life too.

I am drained and also confused and upset that he is upset. It was never my intention and I thought I was going along with what he said he wanted. I feel like there's this unwritten rulebook that you should do the opposite of what the person has asked as that is what is right. I asked an outright question if he wanted me to drop the cards round so that he had them for father's day and he declined so I find it difficult to understand why I should have ignored that. It felt like to me it was more upset over his brother bringing it up and maybe he felt a bit embarrassed and wouldn't want to admit he declined to see us/have the cards.

OP posts:

Original poster

Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 23:40

OneNewEagle · 06/07/2026 22:36

When he’s at home at the weekends just pop around sometimes to say hello, have a chat and a cup of tea. You live so close it’s very easy. And I don’t mean with the kids you have a partner who can look after their kids. Just start building up some dad and daughter time. Just because he’s a hands off grandad and was the same when you were a child it doesn’t mean you can’t build up a great relationship now.

what other hobbies does he have? How about a movie night at his house with him or a trip to the cinema? Or pop out to a classic car show.

he’s feeling disappointed, upset and alone.

I don't really see why that responsibility falls solely on me. It's a two way street and he makes it very difficult to form more of a bond when he doesn't like to do anything I do and refuses to take part in any family time. He didn't even attend my wedding reception as it's 'not his thing'. He criticises much if what I do and the way I do it when he does visit and doesn't enjoy being around my children though he does clearly love them.

In the past I have taken him to museums, classic car shows, rally car racing, invited him on family holidays to the seaside. He doesn't enjoy it and prefers his own space and own routine. I get the impression being out in public makes him anxious although he would never admit that. He doesn't like other people in his home space and often makes excuses for us not to visit when I've offered to pop round. I understand he may be feeling lonely and I want to help him with that but at the moment I feel like I can't win and it's exasperating.

OP posts:

Heereforagoodtime · 06/07/2026 23:35

The guy sounds like a selfish, immature prick.

I'm sorry he's your father - that's not how fathers should be to their daughters. You deserve better.

SaySomethingMan · 06/07/2026 23:29

It was really, really fork deon you tbh. You could’ve taken 10mins to drop off a card for him on fathers’ day. As others have said, you could’ve spent time having a cuppa with him on the day too.

Original poster

Petuniapet · 06/07/2026 23:27

OneNewEagle · 06/07/2026 22:27

You should have seen him on Father’s Day.

also why don’t you see and know your uncle? Your dad sounds very lonely.

Did you read the reasons I didn't? I also have a DH who deserves to spend time with his family on Father's day.
I.dintvreally see how it's relevant but my uncle lives hundreds of miles away and has never made the effort to be in my life, even when I was a child. I can count on both hands the amount of times I have met him and at least half of those was when I was visiting my late Grandma and he was there. He also lives alone and has a solitary lifestyle.

OP posts:

Periandtired · 06/07/2026 23:24

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:37

I can't see the post you have quoted for some reason but I would probably say this is likely. I'm am ND myself.

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Lots of my family are ND and I'm a MH professional. If you say you are too, then I think your Dad is almost certainly so OP.
My daughter is ND and can be very rigid about what she expects from social situations and really needs a lot of structure to feel comfortable. She almost seems lost when it's just free flowing convos and it sound like your Dad does too. It sound like noisy babies and toddlers are overstimulating for him too? I don't think you've really done much wrong but his feelings are hurt maybe? And maybe you could continue to send a message every week to him and hopefully he'll thaw after a little while. It sounds like he has quite a lonely life and you're probably more important to him than you realise but it also sounds like a lot of work for you.

ThatMauveMaker · 06/07/2026 23:03

There's a lot of responsibility on you to maintain this relationship, as he doesn't appear to be reciprocating at any point. As you are ND, is this draining...considering your busy homelife with small children too? You aren't responsible for his happiness, and if he wants a relationship with you so badly he needs to recognise that and pull his socks up to make sure that happens. He can't just say 'that's boring' like some moody teen. You've reached out with fresh invites which he has declined. Let him fester. I bet he will soften at some point, so maybe try again next week if you haven't heard from him before then. Make it clear you are getting the message he isn't ready to see you yet as he is upset and you will contact him next week. He needs to know.your distance is a result of his churlish behavoour.
But, whilst he is bringing up gripes with you, maybe take the opportunity to demonstrate what little effort he makes fo intergrate himself into your life too.

Newmummy343 · 06/07/2026 22:53

wontsettleforaguywithafakejob · 06/07/2026 22:50

LOL is this for real. A grown man sad because no card came through the door and the posters saying how sad it is that he has been waiting for this card.

And people saying you should have popped over while probably dealing with sick everywhere in your home, needing to take care of a baby, 4 year old and a sick husband.

Insane.

100% agree with this post. Concentrate on your Dh and kids. Your dad should be making the effort you have done nothing wrong.

wontsettleforaguywithafakejob · 06/07/2026 22:50

LOL is this for real. A grown man sad because no card came through the door and the posters saying how sad it is that he has been waiting for this card.

And people saying you should have popped over while probably dealing with sick everywhere in your home, needing to take care of a baby, 4 year old and a sick husband.

Insane.