AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

He sound very difficult. One of these parents that cant be pleased.

He’s childish but at the same time old before his time. Knowing how he is I probably would have made a very quick visit (5 mins) to drop the card off. Unfortunately he sounds a chore and doesn’t inspire people (even his own kin) to want to spend much time with him.

I am pretty sure that a lot of people would hand over the card once they actually saw that person in these circumstances without the father batting and eyelid. To me its the most obvious solution.

I have a father who is very hands off too. He’s never once called me since I left home over 30 years ago. I didn’t even find out about my grandmother dying until after her funeral. We simply wouldn’t talk at all if I didn’t call him.

I missed Father’s Day once and got a message from his partner that he was very upset he didn’t receive a card. I was surprised. I didn’t think it would bother him in the slightest.

You sound like an attentive and caring daughter op; especially given how your father is. Yes, you could have taken the card round,
but under the circumstances I can understand why you didn’t.

I would put it down to venting. You can't be your father's only social outlet and he has isolated himself. You are entitled to live your life and haven't done anything wrong. He had no news to tell his brother but could easily have explained your household was ill.
You will never please him or fix him, know that you have done enough and his lonely ways are not your responsibility. A meal once a month is ideal, just revert back to your schedule and move on. Don't hold his criticisms in your heart or head and let them hurt you.

Sweet that he popped around with a plant for your DD

I think you’re getting a lot of stick here OP and hindsight truly is wonderful, a lot of the posters seem to think you should have it, maybe you have powers we do not?

I think you DF is being unreasonable.

He refused to come out with you all, he also refused to take his cards on the Thursday when he knew that he wouldn’t see you on the Sunday, through his own choice.

When you called to say there was D&V in the house he didn’t ask how you were or ask you if you needed anything. Having one BF baby along with your DD and your DH being ill must have been beyond exhausting.

He’s then lied by omission when he’s spoken to your DU and made out that he’s been more or less abandoned by you when it was his choice not to see you on Father’s Day, his choice not to take the cards and you really can’t help your immediate family getting sick.

If I’m honest I can see why he’s divorced and has no friends.

He is also critical of your choices and how you run your life and he also seems to want the relationship with you and your DC entirely on his terms.

I’d think about leaving him for a while. Maybe post the card or pop it through the letterbox.

If he does ask why you’ve been quiet tell him that you’re upset that he didn’t want to see you on Father’s Day and celebrate with you, DH and his DGC and you’re also upset that he’s complained to your DU but not told him the whole story.

I also think that you need to consider how you’re going to handle the relationship moving forward.

It seems like you’re doing all of the chasing and accommodating and he’s doing very little.

I’d also stop telling him much about you or the DC. I’m in a similar position to you OP. Am diagnosed as ND, DM isn’t but has a lot of traits and it’s pretty obvious where I inherited my ND from DM is also super critical so I have to grey rock her. She has extremely fixed views on what she considers the “right thing to do” and any deviation garners criticism.

You don’t have to break your back trying to please him. It’s fine to suggest things but if not interested that’s up to him.

I’m probably more your DF’s age and I’d also like to warn you about him trying to make his loneliness your problem. It absolutely isn’t.

Presumably he has the internet, like most of the population. He can find out what’s going on locally that he could go to if he wanted to.

His choice not to socialise and talk to people does not mean that you have to provide all of his social contact for him.

You’re allowed to look after your own family and him sulking when you’ve said that your DD and DH were sick and not offering any kind of help is very telling of how he thinks that he should be your priority.

He sounds hurt but you havent done anything wrong at all.

You have arranged to get together for dinner.

He was hurt. You were hurt.

Now sorted because dinner arranged. So why carry on posting long posts arguing with posters justifying yourself. It’s done and dusted now surely

“I expect when writing this you knew most mumnetters would come down on your side. This web site is very anti parents”

ooooh thats ugly of you to get so personal with the op.

I don’t think unloving parents get the free reign here that they do in general society. Posters are more clued up on family dynamics, inter generational trauma and all that.

if mumsnet existed 100 years ago people would have been irritated by the rising incidence of people not being happy about being mistreated by their husband. Now days not many people are unhappy about the end of an abusive relationship. It’s progress. It feels scary and uncomfortable and makes people a bit more likely to think about how they make the people around them feel. This is not for everyone.

Why is it any of your business?

@Petuniapet are there things you could do that might appeal to him more? You mentioned he likes cars. Perhaps a car museum or classic car show would be a good outing. I know it’s hard with little kids, but every outing doesn’t need to be focused on their interests.
Maybe also popping around for a coffee in the evening once the kids are in bed might also help? That way you can catch up properly without him worrying about the kids on the stairs.
It does sound like you are already making a lot of effort though, so I wouldn’t take what he has said to heart too much.

He didn't want them the Thursday before but you live 5 minutes away. Surely you could have popped in on the day and given him a card and present. Just for 10 minutes before your day out. That's what most people would have done. Theres no real point to a card when its not on the actual day. Theres been plenty of years that ive done a mothers day/father's day meal a week later but ive always made the effort to see them on the day and give them their card, even if its only a short visit. You dont seem to be able to acknowledge at all that he might be upset about this and he clearly is.

I wonder because your Dad lives a fairly solitary life, by choice, this puts the relationship he has with you into a different dimension. He seemingly puts little value or effort into being social with others, but he views you in a different light altogether. You might be surprised to know how important you are to him, his relationship with you is undiluted as there are no others to offer that family feel.

Hey I might have got this all wrong lol, but it certainly doesn’t excuse him making demands or complaining about yr lack of visits etc. and childishly going on about Fathers Day.

This us a warming of things to come

id handle this bluntly if f i was you

your dad could have come round to see you with a bag if treats considering you were confined to the house

does he bsby sit / support you help and cheer you on in any way ?

I think some posters are being very unreasonable. They are holding your dad to the standards of their fathers. You don't have that sort of relationship.

My father posed similar challenges to our relationship. I lived nearby for five years with no DC and I think I was in his house once that whole time. I certainly would not have popped in, he would have been annoyed. He had difficulty in all his relationships, why would ours be any different. He was also very critical of me and my actions.

What I will tell you is that I really knew he loved me and vice versa. It sounds the same for you two. So hold onto that.

Could you find something that works for you both? In our case after many upsetting meetings we settled into an informal arrangement on a Sunday lunch in a cafe once or twice a month. I stayed away from inflammatory subjects such as myself and my life and let him wax lyrical about whatever. Would I have liked things to be different? Yes. But he was my dad and you only get one so I had to take him as he is.

You know he wants a relationship with you even if it's not a perfect and close one. Find something that fits for you both. If sounds like he needs calm and the children overwhelm him. Could you pop up on a Sunday morning with the bf one and spend an hour with him, maybe bring some croissants or whatever? Or invite him for dinner on a Tuesday, keep a plate back and the two of you eat later?

Tell him to be patient, things will get easier once the kids are older!

I agree. He lives 5 minutes away. You should have popped in to see him on Father's Day and given him a card and present regardless of whether you were seeing him the next week. That's bloody obvious isn't it. No surprise he's pissed off. He's clearly been embarrassed when his brother has called in and its 3 weeks later and hes not even had a card from you. That's pretty shit, especially when you live so close. I know all families are different but I would never treat my dad like that.

This is confusing for you because your dad isn’t operating on the same logic you are. The relationship you have with him is the one he wants. He can’t offer you any other sort of dynamic. He doesn’t understand himself and it’s not your job to understand him. None of it is your job. He’d be quite happy to know you’re churned up by this. He feels entitled to your emotional angst. Your dad’s problems began long before you existed. He failed to keep a wife to be his emotional punching bag but he’s pulling all the levers to make sure you don’t see things clearly.

you deserve none of this. He isn’t a child.

Honestly can't believe some of these comments!
My dad sounds pretty similar, albeit he has my mum there with him. He is very much of the generation that children should be seen and not heard and he doesn't enjoy doing anything with the kids. Growing up, holidays and days out were always aimed at things he would like rather than what we would have enjoyed (despite going abroad many times a year, my favourite holiday as a child was when we went to Butlins with some of our cousins!). I can count on one hand the number of days out my dad has joined us on with the children, despite being regularly invited. I've made sure I do the opposite with my children and every holiday/day trip is done around things they enjoy. My dad constantly berates me for this, but at the end of the day seeing my children happy makes me happy.
Both of my children are ND, I'm not diagnosed but pretty sure I am too and finally, in his 70s, my dad has realised that he is also likely autistic (he definitely is!).
I totally understand how busy life can be and I have similar issues with my dad, whereby I live 10 minutes away, but can't always get over to see him, especially when he doesn't particularly like having the children there.
Father's day really is not that big of a deal and it's not as if you didn't invite him. If I were you, I'd just let him sulk, but keep messaging/trying to visit as normal. I'm sure he will soon get over it.

To be honest he sounds like a misery. He's not an old man and he's not dependent on OP. I wonder why she even bothers.

I’ve read your replies but not the whole thread. Not sure if anyone else has suggested but are there perhaps community groups that he could go to get himself out? I’m thinking the male focused ones, some teach skills or fix things. Car skills could be shared!

I think you should have dropped the card round if you live so near, even posting it a day early if necessary due to your day out. No point getting a card one or two weeks after the event.

That said, if he doesn't like going out, ask him direct what effort he'd like from you exactly. You can then decide and respond if he's being unreasonable (with you having such young DC to care for). He sounds rather dull if he has no hobbies and won't go out.

I’m guessing she had plans with her husband on Fathers Day that were more child-focused so her father didn’t want to join. Hence the planned activity not taking place on actual Father’s Day. Seems clear to me?