AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

I'm not going to tell you how your relationship with your father SHOULD look. Or what you SHOULD do. All I'm going to say is that your father sounds very like my own. Nothing I do ever feels "enough" for him. BUT I lost my mum a while ago, and I have so many regrets about what "I" should/ could have done, that i won't do that again. I do what I CAN, and if that isn't enough for HIM, in the future I know I will be able to look back and know that I did ALL that I could have done for him. If YOU are comfortable knowing that you do the best you can, then you don't need anyone else validation for it. If you know, in your heart of hearts, that you COULD/ SHOULD have done/ be doing more, then don't let random strangers online convince you that its not your problem. YOU are the one, who at some point will be looking back at your relationship, not them.

Sounds very like my dad who expects all the effort to be put in but limits his to sending a card and money. There are no excuses, he's just being an arse.

If he only lives five minutes away I would have quickly popped round with the card but told him I couldn't stay as family were ill.

Also would be nice to have given him a gift, that's what I'd do anyway.

OP, do you think your dad was actually upset he didn't get a card on father's day, or was he just moaning to his brother as a way of having something to talk about? My mum does that all the time... moans to friends about minor things I've done (often unfairly, like in your circumstance here), and when I pull her up on it she just says cheerily "oh, it's not serious, I was only joking!", not seeming to realise that the people she was moaning to don't realise it "wasn't serious", and are all building up a picture of me as a thoroughly awful, thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish human being, often completely unfairly. But it's what keeps her amused and feeling like she has something to talk to her friends about

Maybe because people are still having a go? The bottom line is this is a man who puts very little into his family and expects much more back as long as it is exactly what he wants which isn’t necessarily what he asks for and preferably without his gc which at those ages is a near impossibility. And the op is frustrated and also hurt, because all this trying to find a way to make him happy is her expressing her love, and his rejection of it all and lack of care is telling her none of that counts. What would you say if a friend had young children and the house had noro? I’ve been more sympathetic today via text while working to two random friends than he’s been to his dd, full stop.

@Petuniapet by any chance, could he be on the spectrum?
Your description of your dad reminds me both of my dh and my late FIL.

It doesn’t excuse the way he reacted.
But it makes me wonder if rigidity (he was expecting you to be there on xyz day, not the weekend after) can explain his reaction.

Fwiw you had a good reason to not be tyere on the day. You to,d him, planned a replacement day etc… As a parent of a similar age than him, that would have been plenty. I wouldn’t have expected my adult dc to still post a card and all the singing and dancing some posyers exiect you to do. He is your dad. You should be able to say ‘sorry, dh and dd are ill. I can’t make it. Shall we postpone until next week?’ Wo starting conflict.

Yes that is all a possibility

But it’s also not the OP’s role to make up for the fact he isn’t good at relationship and his only social life is through his dc and her own dcs.

Oh dear, Dad has lived on his own a long time and has no one to rationalise things with. Just tell him you were too ill and had saved his card for when you’d see him in person and rearrange. Hopefully he won’t keep the hump going, if he does it is his loss not yours, which I’m sure he will realise.

OP, sorry to see you are getting a typical unreasonable MN kicking.

You have young children, illness in the house, and a difficult father.

I think you need to drop the rope with your father.

You are not responsible for his happiness.
Be very careful of being seriously imposed upon by a him as you age.

It is not your job to fix his life.
Some men expect far too much from wives and daughters.

So you were going to give him a Father’s Day card 2 weeks after FD? You knew you wouldn’t be seeing him on the day so why not pop the card round on the Saturday and spend half an hour having a coffee with him?

I dunno about you, but when my kids throwing up and there's nobody else to step in, it's all hands on deck.

Obviously you would abandon your kid to pop round to have a cuppa with someone who isn't very nice to you. Stars all round.

I don't think the op does have a caring parent, she has a parent who can't be bothered to make the effort with her children and will only do something if it entirely suits him. OP has tried to accomodation his feelings and wishes and is still in the dog house. And people on here are focusing way too much on the undelivered father's day card.

I may be misunderstanding but my take is this:

In fairness you invited him out for Fathers day, he didn't want to join the day out which you knew in advance and perhaps should have tailored the event to something he may have enjoyed, you went anyway (I get it was your husbands day too) but must have known this in advance so why didn't you pop in to give him his card or post it beforehand. Why you should have done this became obvious from later events. People need to know they are valued on the specific celebration day, not a week later when its convenient for you, that is the whole point of a celebration day

So then you re-arranged for the following weekend, the kids were ill and it was the right thing not to go and a valid excuse, but still no effort to get him even a card - I think that whilst I would understand, I would feel undervalued and overlooked too.

Your Dad sounds depressed and self isolated as a result of it (that is not your fault), too scared to go out and too depressed to make an effort. He needs help. He is not living, he is existing and he certainly hasn't moved on from his divorce.

Your Dad needs to be encouraged to see a doctor as he doesn't sound well, mentally. He seems to have withdrawn and being in his 50's that is no age to be so isolated.

your dad shows a lot of awareness of social norms and psychology to be telling you about a conversation that happened for the purposes of shaming you. That’s manipulation, thats not oblivion. I’m autistic and damn sure know when I’m being shitty.

Does it not occur to you that there's a reason he's in this position? Why should the OP prioritize someone who behaves in such a way that nobody else wants to know him? Why is he more important than her children's father? It's very clear he's never made that much effort with her so why do you expect her to keep pushing and pushing for the kind of relationship he clearly isn't interested in?

When women post on here saying they make all the effort in a friendship and the other person doesn't give any thing back they are told to drop the rope. Why is it different in this case? Because it's her father? Surely in that case it's even more on him to show willing?

I just cannot get my head around some of the attitudes on here.

He seems like a very typical man to be honest. Putting in no effort into relationships, taking no initiative themselves to make plans with people, not bothering to maintain friendships and relationships, and then wondering why they are lonely.

Isn’t Father’s and Mother’s Day about celebrating Fathers and Mothers? So, you say thank you and show appreciation for them by doing something they enjoy and want to do rather than suggest they fit in with existing plans that celebrate another father (your husband)? I imagine he likely does feel like he doesn’t matter to you. And if he doesn’t matter to you then frankly who does care about him? I get why he’s feeling overlooked, neglected and invisible.

My dad is autistic and he sounds like him to be honest, very stuck in his ways doesn't like new things and likes things the way he likes them, he's also has a special interest in music and cars so he talks about those things none stop and doesn't like to talk about or do anything he has no interest in, I don't mean to sound like I'm diagnosing your dad but he does sound a lot like mine

You mean so her own children don't get to celebrate the day with their own father? Because a grown adult can't maintain any other family or friend relationships? Really? Why should her intractable and difficult father take priority over her own children and their father? Given that her father never actually wants to do anything or spend time with her children, what do you suggest she should have done to please everyone in this situation?

Do some people just not read properly? Batshit.

Its not important if it seems done and dusted to you. Its OPs life and her issue to talk about, not yours.