AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

Maybe he just having a low day and not seeing you made him sad. My dad is very similar, doesn’t want to do things, no friends, no hobbies, nightmare to buy for but he will do things that he thinks is helping me - so this is how I involve him, he does the school run for me 3 mornings a week - and I ask him to help with car stuff, otherwise he wouldn’t want to do anything else, I think cus of how he lives you not seeing him hits more cus he has no life,maybe he thought as you weren’t ill you could of still gone, but I’d just ignore him and tell him to come round and stop being grump.

You know it is possible to have a different viewpoint followed by an adult discussion without resorting to petty unsubstantiated insults don’t you? Perhaps you should give that a go @pikkumyy77?

Everyone here who is pettishly attacking the OP over and over again needs to get out more and to try to make friends in real life. It won’t be easy but you should try it.

There's so much misplaced sentimental bollocks on here, painting a picture of her poor lonely dad

It helps to see people fabricate these completely unreal narratives, it makes the tribal social training so obvious and that has really helped me when handling (choosing to not) my family.

God he sounds like an overgrown toddler. I cant believe anyone would vote that you're being unreasonable.

No wonder he's on his own if he wants and raves at the few people he has left. Its fine for him to feel disappointed but not to behave like this. Children get sick, that's life. Did he want a D&V bug for his father's day gift?

The only thing I would ask is it you're prone to rescheduling and have cancelled on him a few times? If not, then he's just being a prat and you've nothing to feel bad for. If he doesn't want to meet on another day then just ignore him.

So glad you have everything resolved @Petuniapet.

Look after yourself, from experience your DF may badmouth you more as he gets older, don’t let pleasing your DF be your main motivator. You did offer the card on time and you did offer a day out. Frankly I’d be pissed off that he then bad mouthed me of if I were you.

When the dust settled a bit maybe start asking him about his retirement plans and what he’s thinking of doing to socialise and stay fit. Hopefully he will have thought of a couple of things.

His plans shouldn’t be you pandering to his ever increasing needs though. If he’s in his fifties you could have another 30 years plus with him.

I believe he did show up with some flowers for the garden for OP’s daughter. OP said they tried a gardening project together but he wouldn’t take on any of her ideas. There’s a common theme with the OP isn’t there? OP has all the ideas and suggestions and if he doesn’t want to do the things she wants then he’s the problem. In reality, to make a relationship work, compromise is a 2 way street.

Note that he didn’t show up with a Haynes Car Manual as a gift for OP’s daughter.

Is the effort only ever on her? He sounds like he makes no effort with her or his grandchildren. She has suggested lots of things he would enjoy if you read her updates

She’d prob be happy he suggested anything at all

@PetuniapetHow would you feel if on your birthday your Dad suggested that you join him for the day fixing his car and afterwards he’d make you a bland meal that didn’t upset his gut? Would that make you feel special and cared about?

He seems hard work. He doesn’t want to accompany you on days out, he doesn’t want to come to yours for dinner, he doesn’t want the kids at his.

It sounds like he’s just one of those grumpy people who could be handed the answer to everything on a plate and they’d still find something to moan about.

He can’t say he’s being neglected by you but then refuse every offer you give him.

He could be a huge very important part of yours and your children lives if he really wanted to but the fact is he doesn’t.

He just wants to live how he does and be able to moan about it.

“You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”

If she knew him well then she wouldn't keep suggesting things that she knows he doesn't want to do? Stop pushing someone out of their comfort zone if you know it makes them feel this way. And the father's day delay when she lives 5 minutes away? No excuse. Poor.

Whatever his position, on Father’s Day you celebrate Fathers (same as celebrating Mothers on Mother’s Day). So rather than expecting someone to fit into your existing plans, on the day you celebrate them, you simply ask “What would you like to do on Father’s Day?” and if it’s doable, you do it! It’s really not that hard to make someone feel seen and valued.

OP is not making her Father feel like he matters, he’s being told ‘fit into step with us because what we do matters’. Even if the words aren’t used, that’s what OP’s behaviour tells him and that’s why he’s expressing that he feels like this.

I’m estranged from my family. Not seen a parent in three years
so seems caring to me.

It sounds like just the opposite to me. OP knows him very well but he refuses all gestures and compromises that she offers to foster the relationship.

It sounds like you don't really know each other and neither of you want to make the father/daughter commitment. Therefore, neither of you are going to make a decision that you're both happy with.

Sounds similar to my dad, OP. I don’t think it is normal and it’s hard. All the best 💐

What's caring about him? The effort all seems one way.

He's a man in his 50s who is still working. He isn't elderly and bedridden and he obviously has much more time on his hands than OP does. Why on earth does she need to pander to him? When OP suggests doing things with him, he say no. He obviously wants to be a martyr to make OP feel guilty. He could pop round to her house but he doesn't.

Adults who were 'hands-off' parents can't really expect their adult children to go out of their way to build loving and caring relationships with them when they couldn't be bothered to do this when their children were small and needed their dad. OP obviously makes a lot of effort which isn't reciprocated.

There's so much misplaced sentimental bollocks on here, painting a picture of her poor lonely dad weeping because he didn't have a Father's Day card to open, even though he turned down OP's offer to bring it round before Father's Day. He could have gone on the day out with them on Father's Day but he refused. Him going round for a meal was only postponed due to illness and OP then contacted him to re-arrange. He then came out with the passive-aggressive shit about not having a card to open. He's ridiculous.

there is no magic sequence of words that op can use to change the way her dad has tied himself up in his own personal hell. He wants op to watch him suffer and for her to suffer too. Op you’re in a familiar double bind that these parents create. At some point he made you question your core goodness which leaves you unable to take care of yourself in this dynamic. Interestingly you will never get to examine his goodness, his goodness isnt tied to anything he does it’s because he housed you when you were a child. As for the ND angle. Nope. And being warned about regretting not pandying to a man who has nothing to offer you and only wishes to be a problem? Nope. I’m sure you’ve spent a long time wishing he wasn’t who he is. And IF ONLY wanting our parents to be loving was enough they’d be no child abuse.

I understand that ND people need careful handling and are often quite blunt in their assessments. I recently asked ds (ASD) for his advice on something for the garden. He got back hours later with a 'I don't know'!
My late db sounds similar to your df and I hope people are kind to ds when he gets older. Luckily he has 3 sisters and 4 niblings who adore him despite his contrariness.

Sorry you are getting a hard time on here OP. Your DF is old before his time and it's his choosing but you are getting the blame for it. No partner or dating interest, no friends, no hobbies, distant from his work colleagues. Not particularly close to his DD. He is in his late 50s not late 70s, he could be working for another 10 years before he retires.

You haven't done anything wrong. You invited him out on Father's Day and he declined. He seems self centred. How many parents/grandparents have endured stench of the petting zoo just to see the children/grandchildren squeal over goats, donkeys and ducks. Or the fresh hell that is soft play. You get joy from seeing them happy. Your DF only thinks about himself and what he likes.

Your DF is not going to change. He will get worse as he gets older and his world gets smaller and you become the only 'outsider'. You will be the dart board for all his grumpiness, loneliness and gripes. You need to work on your tougher skin now and not let the silent treatment get to you because there will be more of it.

Invite him out or around if he says no. Say, well I have asked. Don't let him guilt you or punish you because you were looking after your sick family. When he says 'I told my relative I didn't get a card or a present for Father's day' say 'That's not very nice or loyal, did you tell him you were invited out on the day and you declined'.

Good luck