To decline my friend’s bbq invite ?

It may be sensible to decline. It would spare the husband and all the other guests having to be polite to someone so judgemental.

She didn’t go to her birthday either. So even more reason to suck it up for one bbq.

A good tip is start getting comfortable with being quiet at times. It can feel awkward at first, when nobody is speaking or really listening. It doesn’t bother me, I silently meditate. It’s like a game of who can stay quiet the longest, we played it a lot as kids, it never lasted long.
I personally would pop in for a half an hour.

I would just be honest, in a kind and gentle way. You can’t continue to fob her off every single year 🙄
”You know I love spending time with you, but really do prefer a 1:1 rather than a group thing. So can I take you out for a birthday drink on X date?”

Or something along those lines.

I have been apprehensive about meeting some people who have been great, a lot of fun, naturally friendly. They’d never make comments on people who have less than them, Tbf it’s not even the people who were brought up a professional family, it’s usually the people who are climbing the class ladder as an adult. You know those people who grew up working class but is now middle class, it’s all a bit silly, we all leave the world as we arrived with nothing, except for an outfit, we generally dress our dead.
Now I’m thinking of a dead naked person at their wake, now that would be a story you could share with anyone.

I’d turn down the invite if they’re not your tribe. As someone else said, its an invite not a summons. Now I’m in my mid 50s I’m much better at accepting invites I want to go to, but turning down those that I don’t enjoy. As you say, if you work full time, weekends are precious. Don’t feel guilty. Just because she’s a good friend, doesn’t mean you have to hang out with all her friends or husband. If people aren’t your cup of tea thats fine, everyone is different.

Sorry if it's already been mentioned, but can you take a friend or date of your own so there's at least two people you don't mind there.

I agree with others that you don't have to go, but it might affect your friendship so you have to weigh up those two things.

She means she doesn't like them. It doesn't matter why really.

Well said. Socialising with a group of people from a different class is difficult. There are different social norms so if you are yourself you stand out as not fitting in and potentially upset others but if you try to adhere to the norms of the other group that doesn't work either because you can't relax and enjoy yourself and people still know you are not one of them. People who are naturally welcoming to everyone are like gold dust.

They are simply asking her to explain why she thinks social class is a factor in her not liking them. I’d expect similar if she said ‘Her friends are way too loud and proletarian for me’.

Agree with this.

Also, if your friend has concerns about her husband possibly being autistic there’s likely a lot more going on than him simply being ‘snobby’ with you, OP.

It doesn’t mean you need to put up with his behaviour of course, or that you should attend a party you won’t enjoy, but your opening post does come across as a bit judgmental.

I'd suck it up for a birthday or a special occasion but not otherwise. Yes, of course people will have different views.

In this case it sounds like the OP has been trying but that these people don't engage with her.

I think I take the view she should suck it up a (within reason) because you need to feed friendships.

I can't believe going to a BBQ is that tough. How often do we tell our children that they'll enjoy it when they get there are we are usually correct.

Obviously the OP is angling for responses to justify not going but when all is said and done she's just being anti social. That's fine but it does ultimately have the habit of rebounding on you. Better to stretch yourself and make the effort in response to what is, after all, a kind invitation.

I’d politely decline but in the same message offer a meet up for the 2 of you to have a cuppa or dinner together.

I think this is good advice.

And it's no problem to decline anyway but you risk it looking like you're not interested in the friendship, which is disappointing for the friend as well as for you and will do some damage if you do it a few times.

If you do say no, as part of the message, invite her to something else 1:1 so it's clear it's not her.

Yeah but its a bit of a false dichotomy. Its possible to be both middle class and chatty (I am both).

Absolutely do what you want OP, you don’t have to go, but the way you describe these people suggests an element of reverse snobbery on your part: you think they are middle class and have made a bunch of assumptions about them that may be true or they may just be your judgement.

Snobbery works both ways.

I think most of us would be sad if someone just wrote us off as a potential friend based on the class we come from.
I doubt it makes anyone sad as it happens everyday. You wouldn’t know the reason.

Don’t give a reason. As a working class woman who sometimes socialises with the middle class women. I hear you. I try find a diamond in the group, if you are met with stone faces it can be difficult when you are used to chatty people.
The best people are the people who welcome newbies from either class.

Yep. Nothing about my comment suggested others can’t think differently. So … let’s just disagree.

I personally think infrequent discomfort is worth doing something that’s important to my friends. Especially birthdays and social events they organise.

Just decline, you are entitled say ‘no’ and you don’t have to give a reason

There's being assertive and then there's going nuclear. Telling your friend you don't like her friends is not likely to achieve much other than upsetting your friend and being seen as obnoxious yourself. If you decline a few invites in a row she will likely stop inviting you. It's fine not to fit in with her social milieu - just keep it as a one to one friendship.