AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

There’s an app called Time to Talk which does exactly what you describe

Watching the football with DH while reading this thread. He just gave me a minute by minute account of the one day he spent in Philadelphia (where the match was), describing in detail the sights he saw.
At the end I said 'Do you recall that I actually lived there for a year as a child?'
He had the grace to say, Ah yes, that's right, you would have seen the Liberty Bell etc.

Earplugs.

Seriously, earplugs.

I used them in an office job to keep out the constant prattling and they worked a treat.

If he queries them, they're so you don't have to listen to him all the time. What can he say?

Goodness @SuchiRolls that's really helpful... so that's what it is.

Our younger child gets inanely chatty when anxious, for example when there's a playdate.

I had a neighbour like this. I'd go out to put something in the bin and still be in the back yard an hour later! She once burnt her own dinner in the oven because she was too busy yacking on.

My mum is like this. I don’t know how my stepdad puts up with it. She drives him insane at times. She can be like this with me but I’m either very direct or I just nod and say yes and no, because I don’t have to live with her. I have 3 children and 2 are diagnosed ASD. I suspect I am also and I think you can guess where this is going…she’s slowly seeing it herself I think. It’s all anxiety based in her case but she just can’t have quiet. She has to fill it with words and verbalise everything she’s heard that day. Boring conversations with her reminiscing to him about things that happened before they were even together about people he doesn’t even know. There’s much more to it than this, but how you describe your husband, OP is exactly what my mum is like. She has zero self awareness or accountability either. I’m very direct so I think she doesn’t verbalise as much with me perhaps? I’d just change the topic or leave the room to make a cuppa, to change the flow of conversation. It’s very wearing!

I had a colleague like this at the lab I was studying at. It was unbearable, once he'd corner you and start, you could be there for an hour listening to him blather. He was immune to hints, and he'd follow you, still yabbering, when you said you had to go weigh aomething or whatever. Decent enough chap, but just monumentally self absorbed and lacking even the tiniest smidgin of self awareness.

He had a distinctive footstep, so when we heard him approach, the whole lab would scatter like cockroaches do when the light is switched on. Including the boss, he could vanish around the corner with surprising dexterity and speed.

We eventually moved from polite listening to active avoidance to blunt "Oh ffs Andrew, give your mouth a rest, would you" and he'd get huffy and stalk off and find some poor sod to monologue to death about what terrible people we were. He was such a pain. We threw a massive institute-wide party after he left...

I could NOT live with someone like that.

OP, how have you put up with this for so long???

I to unkind be tempted to record him in secret.

Then, I’d do the incessant talking back to him, talking over him when he interrupts and keep going.

When he complains (he will) tell him it’s what he does all day, every day. When he denies it, play him the recording.

He either stops, get help to stop or yow separate.

Of course, you may just be so sick of it, it’s time to leave.

You only get one life, OP….

Ha. I have this. It's dreadful. But I have no patience, so I eventually interrupt and say 'I'm not listening to the lecture'.

He gets extremely upset.

I hadn't thought of it in terms of him living so much in his own head. I think he's very lonely, but it's just too much.

My DH the same ADHD. He anticipates what I’m going to say only trouble is he’s wrong.

Has he always been like this? You're not wrong - it sounds tedious and self centred.

ive talked to a person thats like that sometimes they love to chat, its nice in a way

"I'm sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours"

Just keep repeating when interrupted. "Have you finished now? ". C"Can I finish my sentence?"

Was reading recently that ADHD people do this because they anticipate what you're going to say in their head and decide you don't need to finish.

Mine will even start arguing with me about something he's decided I was going to say.

I just repeat "have you finished? He'll continue so I say again"Have you finished now?". Tends to shut him up.

There is actually, now you mention it I recall someone telling me about something like that, but I can't recall its name. It was to track whether women or men spoke more on work meetings, but can't see why that wouldn't work in this situation too.

Might be worth trying to find it!

@earsringing You say you work from home and he does too. Is it possible that this hasn't always been the case and so you get him 24/7 whereas previously it wasn't this intense and so less obtrusive?

Is it also possible that he is now under socialised and fills in the gap with conversations with himself?

My husband gives me a running commentary in the car on the idiots on the road and I just phase him out and every now and then he asks me a question and I don't realise so I ignore him. There is no contradicting him so I get what you mean. I have to say that he gets so wound up over it that despite getting in the car in a light-hearted mood, I can feel the stress rising as we near our destination because of his rantings. Listening to that 24/7 would test the patience of a saint.

Bit of aversion therapy. He won't do it again 👍

Add in a hot flush, monkeys learn slower.

Why don’t you just tell him how insufferable he is? Have you tried that? Seems the obvious course of action.

Yup, one of my best friends is exactly like this and has just been confirmed with ADHD at 50. He's improving too.

He just couldn't leave space for me to have a single thought to myself.

My partner is a bit like this. He has adhd and since his diagnosis has worked really hard on it and its loads better but he can still get caught in a bit of a loop with it. I can just tell him now though.

running the gym crafts dance etc.

Is that a club that's held at the gym where you make puppets and make them dance? I'm not sure the OP would want to run the whole thing? Sounds like a logistical nightmare and quite niche.

Wfh won't help this. Can he work out the house sometime?

This is my elderly FIL to a tee, along with OP's description of her DH.

Every "conversation" has to be centred on him or a subject of his choosing. Angry outbursts occur if it is not. I've known him over 20 years and he would struggle to list 5 facts about me. He is just not interested. I doubt he knows my given name (I use a shortened version).

We actually think he has narcissistic personality disorder. He has very low self esteem, which we believe to be a root cause.

Outsiders think his stories are hilarious but his personality has cast a shadow on DH's life as he's had to live with it and it has caused him mental and emotional damage.

MIL when younger spent a lot of time outside the home helping friends in need (so FIL couldn't complain) and now retreats to the spare room with either a migraine or a book.

They love each other but to me it's very disfunctional (my parents were completely different - very equal in all things, thankfully).

My advice would be to develop a lot of coping mechanisms and temporary escape routes as I think the situation is unlikely to improve with age.

Good god.

OP, could you write him a letter to explain how it makes you feel? It's clear as hell that if you try to have a verbal conversation with him about this, it's going to be incredibly painful to even try to get a sentence out.

I suppose it depends on what your goal is, regarding your options of what you can do... is it realistic to think he is capable of change?

How does having to tolerate this for the next 30, 40 years (or however long) make you feel?

I wouldn't dismiss the idea of leaving. Perhaps at least consider an appointment with a solicitor. You may have better financial options than you realise. Plans can be made, and you can figure out how to leave, even if you don't see a way out just yet. It just depends on whether you think this is a future you're going to be happy enough in, if you do stay.

It would drive me bonkers and you'd be reading about my crime in the Daily Mail if I had to tolerate this.

This really resonates with me. It’s exhausting and so depressing.

mine just wants someone to talk at, fuck and who will earn money that he can spend. I am leaving.

My DH is exactly like this. I have a fantasy world in my head where I block off his voice. He talks endlessly. When we get in the car I time how long he talks for and how long I’m silent for.

But sometimes I just say ‘Yes I will go out for a coffee with you, on the condition you don’t talk about the stock market, your work, or golf’.

Sometimes I’m more blunt and say ‘Do you think I give a flying fucking fuck about Simon from your work who didn’t include a slide in a power point presentation?’

With the phone conversations if he’s going on about SHITE, I say ‘Hello?…Hel…I’m struggling to hear…I can’t…What…But…can’t…you…

Then put the fucking phone down.

You need to make it easier for yourself. Try and block it out. I go out when I know he’s free, I make the most of the peace when I know he has a long work call.