AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

Get yourself a pair of air pods and just crack on with whatever you have got to do with them in. My husband has them and they annoy the hell out of me because he's in a world of his own and often can't hear me calling him to meals but I can see how brilliant they would be for you in this situation.

Is this is a recent change? Some common psychiatric medications encourage verbosity & self-absorption.

There are two different issues here: his constant "thinking aloud" and his lack of respect for your opinions. You need to challenge him on both of them if you want to stay with him.

As regards the "monologuing", have you tried secretly recording him for, say, an hour, then playing it back to him? He might be shocked - perhaps he doesn’t realise that he’s thinking aloud all the time.

The other issue is not so easy as it’s about his whole attitude to you. You can only tell him how you feel and how he comes across, and point it out to him every time he does it.

I had a boss like this, and as a PA I was pretty much obliged to listen to his hour long monologue phone calls. He was a nice guy, just kind of highly strung and needing to talk through the slightest thing concerning him, without any curiosity at all about the person he was speaking to. He has and his wife were both workaholics, and she wasn’t shy about telling him to STFU, so I guess monologuing to work colleagues (I wasn’t the only one, he’d do it to anyone who would tolerate it) was his solution.

There is absolutely nothing suggestive of OCD here.

@StrongPoison That was most interesting - may I say that I'm really impressed that you have such a snippet of information at your fingertips?

If I am asked to remind dp of something I set an Alexa reminder then and there. I won’t be taking that mental load off him.
also I’ve started ‘forgetting’ to do things he has asked and saying ‘you didn’t remind me’. This has also helped a lot too.

My DH struggles with normal everyday conversations. It’s always a “story” or some cliche and he will tell the same story in exactly the same way over and over. He does have an interesting job but every thing he tells me is a practiced anecdote.

If I interrupt he will say huffily “can I finish my sentence” and I’ll tell him ( usually word for word) what he was going to say. Then he’ll get cross and complain he can’t talk at all. I then feel in the wrong as I’m being controlling and shutting him down.

I don’t say anything now, just look him in directly the eye until he says “ I’ve told you this before haven’t I”

My DH struggles with normal everyday conversations. It’s always a “story” or some cliche and he will tell the same story in exactly the same way over and over. He does have an interesting job but every thing he tells me is a practiced anecdote.

If I interrupt he will say huffily “can I finish my sentence” and I’ll tell him ( usually word for word) what he was going to say. Then he’ll get cross and complain he can’t talk at all. I then feel in the wrong as I’m being controlling and shutting him down.

I don’t say anything now, just look him in directly the eye until he says “ I’ve told you this before haven’t I”

Oh my god, that would drive me insane!!

Does he work or have friends he can talk to... is he like this with them too? Is he neurodiverse?

Do whatever it takes to protect your sanity... Stop answering the phone for his driving calls, start listening to audio books (or pretending too!), start going out for long walks, interrupt him and ask him if he can remember the last time he asked you a question/ asked your opinion/ was curious to know what you think /realises he's constantly monologging?

Has he always done this? Is it a newer thing that has developed?
How old is he?
Only ask because my Mum has started doing this (in her late 70s now) but started a couple of years ago and getting worse. We wonder if it’s the start of some cognitive issues. But she’s fairly together on day to day living, it’s just conversations have become incredibly hard work and one sided.

I wear earbuds so my phone doesn't disturb him. His phone does disturb me especially when I'm watching TV which I do rarely. He'll have the TV on and be on his phone.

God yes the calendar. He does put everything in his phone but still asks me what appointments he's got coming up. Not a hope in hell he'll remember mine.

Maybe you have to break his flow to make him pay attention. What if you didn’t say yes, okay, etc… what if you said sorry, completely lost track, couldn’t care less, so bored, I have to go now etc. Or completely random like yellow, Tuesday, spaghetti ? Would it make him have a conversation about this?

I will never understand people who dont understand that these habits develop over years, that probably the man does this at work so its not always obvious until they retire and that ND traits worsen as people age

10/10
for
Its the womans fault though

Replace yes or OK with fuck off you're boring me; This is just another monologue or oh my god I don't fucking care. You are just enabling him stop that now

Bless you op I do understand this. My dp would do this if he could get away with it. I notice it wasn’t a think at all in his 30’s and creating late 40’s with the worst of it early 50’s. It is much much better now.
i made it clear to him couple of years ago I wasn’t going to be talked at about current affairs specifically politics. I can be sent an article out of the paper no more than once a month. I won’t agree to read it.
i stopped interacting with the media altogether as far as he is concerned. Actually I listen to radio 4 on a drive I do once a week and I might talk to him about what I heard if I find it interesting.
if he starts a chat with ‘Nigel f said!!’ My reaction will always be ‘nope didn’t hear it I’m not doing g the news it’s affecting my mental health’ and shut it down. Over time he stopped trying.

what used to happen was him going on and on trying to find something I disagree with so he can argue with me. I stopped reacting so he stopped trying though it took a while to embed.

I also enforced quiet time. So I will cook a big family meal on Sundays but he’s not allowed in the kitchen and I will watch tv while I’m doing it. He can offer to help but the reply will always be ‘yes please letting me have a bit of quiet time will really help me a lot’

i dont know if this will work for you op. Dp took massive offence initially and we had some rows but it has got much much better over time.

even the other day I shut him down because he tried to change a conversation around to politics and I got up and left the room.

dd1 describes it as her dad ‘seeing every conversation as a chance to show off’anx it was exactly that.

the kids getting older and refusing to be lectured has helped a lot too and I know this has improved their relationships a lot. Both girls will accept one to one dad time now and he and them seem to really enjoy it because he isn’t grandstanding all the time.

fwiw my dp is 100% nd. He may not think it but I know!

You poor thing, this sounds horrendous.

a few things to note: he sounds like he's neurodiverse to be so pathalogically unaware of his social awkwardness. You need to have an honest conversation with him about how it makes you feel and how you expect him to make efforts to stop it

you do sound like you might be peri menopausal as if you have put up with this for years but now all of a sudden it's wildly irritating, it could be that your hormones are playing a part: have you considered HRT? It might make this, and other things, not feel so bad

you both need to get some hobbies, and friends, and get out of the house more. Fair enough you can't control what he does so work on what you can do. Both of you wfh and being in each other's space all the time is not healthy for the easiest of relationships, I firmly believe there is a thing as spending too much time together

if nothing Works, you need to honestly consider breaking up, your children are old enough to cope and they probably even think you should too. You can't live your life this way, it will make you sick with stress

sending hugs x

Could you get AI to transcribe a conversation to show him a) it’s a monologue and b) it’s dull as fuck?

Introduce him to AI he can chat away with it

My mum does this but she's very old 🙂. I second all suggestions that create your own space. Take up running or v long walks. Find a place to work remotely so you aren't at home. Create a routine with husband free spaces. I would also sit him down and tell him clearly what he is doing and the impact it's having. You are then giving him the opportunity to change. If he doesn't then plan your exit. Life's too short to be beaten down by a self centred bore.

Stock phrases are your friend here

I don't need to hear this thank you.

Yes, I'm already aware

You've told me this before

Do you agree? - no idea, I'm not listening

Not too many, just a few on repeat.

Then if you really have to answer the phone to him when he says 'I'm on my way' simply 'thank you for letting me know' and hang up.

You can manage this without being overly rude or confrontational. Or develop an interest in country music, heavy rock, opera, musicals, whatever, and have it on, constantly. Best of luck.

My husband is a bit like this. Talks constantly about whatever pops into his head but also in mid conversation, as well as out of the blue, he will talk about something that has nothing to do with anything.
His mind is jumping and making connections to something in a conversation or something he was thinking about and he starts taking about it.

Also he goes on about his work in so much detail I could probably pass technical exams in his field I know so much about it

He is definitely adhd so I know now how his mind is working.
I tell him stop talking now, or when he goes off on a tangent, that’s got nothing to do with anything and get to the point.

Funny how these men don’t want to listen to anyone else, ie their wives. That has caused some problems in our relationship as I felt he is not interested in anything I have to say but I tell him how I feel and he has made effort to listen more and not talk so much or interrupt.
However I can’t change his brain so it’s an ongoing thing. Even the (adult) dc tell him I’m talking when he tries to interrupt and he stops. When he tries to interrupt I keep talking a little bit louder and he does realise what he’s doing.

If you don’t address it and tell him to stop talking then biting will change. Waiting for him to magically change habits of a lifetime won’t happen. Maybe he won’t even care but you will feel better and at least you’ll know if he wants to even try to listen to you.

This would drive me insane, and I know I wouldn't be able to just let it wash all over me.

Can you call him out next time he speaks over you? Hold your hand up to him and clearly say 'stop, I haven't finished talking, I am tired of you speaking over me, and not engaging with what I am saying.' And keep saying it - and if he won't stop, walk away.

Same with the monologuing - stand up and tell him that you need some peace and quiet, ask him to tell you later at a specific time, say after dinner.

And if these don't work leave him. It may be challenging financially but it will be manageable - you might need to claim benefits, but they are available.

I could not live like this - just reading about him makes me feel itchy!

Have you told him he's driving you mad? What was his response?

I'd be so tempted to do a supercut of all the times Granddad Simpson starts rambling and just play it loudly when he starts up. Or else get some of those giant headphones that seem to be back in fashion and ostentatiously put them on, whether they're actually playing anything or not.