AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

I'm just fascinated by this thread as I'm the talkative one in my marriage. I've been told I'm a good listener but I do worry a bit and sometimes notice he's zoning out.

I'm sort of making a mental note of what people are most irritated by on this thread... I don't talk to myself for example as some pp's report. I don't talk about work daily (maybe once a month or something), and rarely talk about politics and suchlike. But I do repeat an anecdote without realising. And I've occasionally been told by a colleague "sorry can't chat right now, too busy" (maybe happens once a month or so).

If I didn't chitchat at home, my dh would never initiate conversation though and we'd be trappist monks!

Really useful thread

Yes, boys/men get away with it, girls/women don't.

But men/boys can be trained too. My sister had an ADHD bf who could talk the leg off a donkey. It was often interesting but sometimes too much, and he would realise it when people started looking away or not responding. He'd apologise and stop (although you could see it was an effort for him sometimes). My sister said his mother told her that when he was a kid, he sometimes talked so much that he actually fell unconscious from lack of air!

I guess in his case, the mother had to intervene before the kid gave himself brain damage 🙂

Yes! I was trying to think of a TV character who reminded me of this DH, and it was the dreaded Uncle Colm!

Though it was funny how he deployed his brain-deadening monologuing to get the inspector to drop the case against the girls! 😂

That’s very kind but for me it was one of things that once seen never forgotten 😊
And great info to share too

Do they? That's really intriguing. Which ones?

Oh god OP, I feel your pain.

I'm afraid I just don't listen, it's too exhausting being asked for your opinion 24/7. Shall I go for a bike ride or mow the lawn? I think I might clean the coffee machine this morning, what do you think?

I. Don't. Fucking. Care!

There are women who naturally do this: can’t distinguish between their own views and others, can’t read a room, don’t know when to shut up.

But women tend to have it knocked out of them by the time they reach adulthood (or learn how to mask), because society is very intolerant of opinionated women but tolerates and even encourages opinionated men.

So a middle age man who is prone to this sort of solipsistic monologue will likely have been indulged all his life and just won’t realise how tedious it is, particularly if his wife or partner makes excuses.

I had a boyfriend like this in my 20s who used to do this and was particularly bad when he was drinking. One night after the pub we reassembled at mine with my flatmates and one of my (female) flatmates got sick of it and just lost it with him, telling him he was a narcissist and would scare everyone off throughout his life if he didn’t tone it down.

He was absolutely crushed, ran out of the room crying and refused ever to set foot in my house again. We split up not long after that, he hooked up with a girl who was about ten years younger. It was pathetic at one level but I also realised in that moment no one had ever told him before it was boring and selfish. I almost felt sorry for him.

We don’t do them (our ourselves) any favours by allowing these men to carry on like this.

Get some earphones to listen to music around the house. If you can't hear him he'll eventually notice and stop monologuing?

Very long distance!

Asked my husband who occasionally I've overheard talking to himself in the shower and he agrees with many of you that it's quite extreme autism. He's formulating what he could've done and would've done better in different situations

I know a man like that and it’s intense. But if the relationship is otherwise good then: Definitely bring it up before you LTB!

Tell him, if he wants to keep the relationship this needs to change.

If it’s hard for him to break the monologue-ing habit I’d wave a ladle, saying this is the talking stick and who has it is allowed to speak. Maybe that could work?

He sounds like the annoying uncle in Derry Girls…

Both WFH must make it worse. Back in the day he would be droning on at his colleagues & you would be with other people at work. So it would be far less intense. He obviously needs an audience. I think there are lot of men like this. Does he not have a hobby to get him out the house? This is with golf, cycling or whatever come in useful. If he was at a place of work & then out doing his hobby at weekends it would be far more bearable.

I don’t think I could live with someone like this & also WFH too. It’s far too intense.

@earsringing
Have you tried just telling him to shut up ?
Perhaps get your DC to tell him as well.

I would talk to him first so he can’t argue you never told him. Then I would put a finger to my mouth and say shush, or the Oprah zip mime, look away and go do something else, every time. I had an aunt who did this but lucky for me it was on a family visit to Australia so didn’t have to put up with it back in the UK. She talked at me in a droning monologue my whole visit, I’d never come across anything like that before. To have it every day would be unbearable 😬

Your DH is giving me Uncle Colm from Derry Girls vibes 😯

Is he lonely?

I'm very similar where I can't stop talking (despite knowing I do) and I've realised I'm so bloody lonely that I talk non stop to DD who is my only connection to the world. I'm now trying to expand my world so I have more people to chat to but it's hard as nobody wants to chat anymore. Can you discuss trying to find a joint hobby with lots of other people in it as a start?

Both of you wfh must feel suffocating 😩

Invest in a pair of noise cancelling Airpods. These will become your best friend if you can’t leave. If he doesn’t like it, tough luck. Also you can make a tailor-made focus setting on your phone to keep his calls on silence or give you headspace for an hour or two. If he complains, say you need periods of peace as you’ve got older. Make clear, it’s non-negotiable.

I would 100% agree with this apart from
the fact that it is a middle age phenomenon. My DH is a wonderful caring man, who is my rock and been and been at my side for 30 years. He hasn’t always been like that. This is just one aspect that we indulge to a degree, or thoroughly take the piss of when it gets too much. I do agree that women shouldn’t suffer in silence - if they can’t actually broach it - then that’s on them.

I'm another who had a parent who did this monologuing. Absolutely horrible to be around. People avoided her, including her own family.

I think you need to tell him. Tell him he talks at you. Time him. Tell him he speaks without pause, all about himself for x minutes at a time, and you feel like you don;t exist.

I once pretended to faint to see if my dad would notice. he carried on talking for about ten minutes then glanced at me and pottered off into the kitchen to talk at my mum instead as 'Tonis seems to be resting right now.' Zero interest in my wellbeing or even consciousness!

Unbearable. My dad was like this. DSis and I married men who barely say a word!

I think I may have misinterpreted, when you said “monologuing” I thought you meant talking to himself. So going around narrating his life or speaking out his thoughts to no one in particular.

But now I think perhaps you mean he is talking to you, but in a self absorbed way where it’s all about him and his day and something that happened to him without giving you chance to participate in an equal conversation that you’re actually interested in? That sounds a little less bonkers I suppose 🤣

But ultimately it sounds like you don’t like this man, you’re not interested in him, or his day or the things he does. And it’s probably time to end the relationship, and that’s ok!

He's Nd and a total pain in the arse. Hope there are other redeeming features

Can you not just burst in to song/ start breakdancing/ just walk away?
If you don’t respond accordingly to his constant talking what does he do? Does he ask you if you are listening? Can you tell him, ‘no I’ve tuned you out’ ‘can you rest your voice?’ Or similar?
What would be the consequences for telling him to fucking give it a rest?