AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

How would you like people to deal with it so that you feel comfortable but their needs are met too?

Thank you for this, I really needed it spelt out and I'm reassured I'm not like this...! That sounds maddening, you are very patient.

I'd literally get a sore throat if I spoke every thought out loud like that. I do do most of the talking when it's me and dh but only when I have something (slightly) interesting to say, not like literally a running commentary of me clicking on a website.

I was thinking about this overnight and my suggested solution...this is probably not a good solution for everyone depending on the ages of the chatterboxes in question. But I work as a teacher in a school and I'm literally talking nearly all day (and listening to my pupils ofc but I'm still doing the majority of the talking) and when I get home I'm quite subdued. In the summer holidays I've got a lot more to say to dh in the evenings because I haven't been at work.

What these chatty husbands need is a busy talkative job or volunteering. Say, in a school or charity shop or similar. Just chatting away all day then they'll be quiet when they get home.

How would you feel if someone touched you gently on the arm, and said in a nice voice, 'Hey! My turn to speak, now, Clearlyy'?

Would that also be upsetting or would you be glad they hadn't endured the monolgue while getting increasingly agitated, but instead encouraged you to have a fairer exchange of conversation?

I sometimes (not often enough) say to DS, 'You are talking at me not with me.'

DSis suddenly started monologuing about a year ago, which was very unlike her, completely ignoring any attempts to chip in with a comment, until I had to shout: 'Let me speak!' every time we spoke on the phone. It got really exhausting. Then DBro also shouted at her to let him speak and the penny dropped. She is back to her normal self now. Not sure what happened.

Honestly I am like this. It’s unmedicated ADHD and just wanting someone to talk to. I love conversing and I always get told I’m too much, something for me to work on but I am bad at shutting up. It really hurts me when someone says “god can you please stop????” Because of the RSD that comes with unmediated ADHD. Could it be the same with him?

Thank you for starting this thread. I also realise I have been putting up with this for far too long.
I kept thinking about starting a MN thread but could never work out how to articulate it
This thread has helped me realise that it's unkind to DH if I don't let him know how much this behaviour makes me struggle to share a room/house with him

You say you fantasize about leaving (and who can blame you) but if you told him to shut up there would be war. So, if you had the money and means to leave there wouldn't be war. I suppose he would accept that with good grace.

😱 I would go insane. I’d have a pair of earbuds permanently in my ears ready to switch on (or leave).

I have ADHD and I monologue verbally. My brain swims with "stuff" at 100 miles an hour 24/7 and I need to get it out to process it.

BUT I have the self-awareness to know that it irritates the hell out of everyone else so I manage it. I value my relationships too much.

First step - encourage his self-awareness (i.e. sit him down and tell him straight) so he then has a choice. If he makes the wrong choice...well, that says it all.

My OH does this - mutters under his breath about what task he's competing etc. I strongly suspect he has ADHD because of issues including struggling to focus, prioritising and becoming overwhelmed and so on. I think he finds it reassuring maybe? It is annoying though. I generally move to another room and let him get on with it!

OP tell him straight otherwise nothing will change!

mention the cardboard cutout comment saying yes and ok that you said which is a great point, and that you try to find reasons to leave the room. Say it’s all about him and you’re losing the will to live.

you have to be blunt to make people understand and change for good!

Agree with this. People are so quick to say leave.

Keep repeating that you feel talked at, not to and give examples so he gets a taste of it.

As PP have said about being married for many years with similar.

Marriage is about compromise and hopefully one day you'll laugh about how he used to be this way.

If he loves you, he'll eventually listen.

Tell him straight - ‘ I have had enough of your endless talking. For God’s sake, stop!!! I am only prepared to engage in genuine, two- way conversations and will not put up with any more of this verbal diarrhoea.’

Tell him you do not need to know what time he has left the shop etc.

Mine has a tendency to do the latter occasionally but I just ignore it unless it affects arrangements. I do not do it to him.

My DH has ADHD and would do this if I hadn’t drilled into him to ‘shut the fuck up’. He now goes off into the garden with headphones on and his kindle. We get along and have a laugh but I don’t let him dominate my peace.

This is not normal he sounds like a nightmare to live with.

Amazed with how you put up this previously - or maybe he’s got worse?

I would have to make the numbers add up somehow - couldn’t live with this.

As a diagnosed adhd-er.... this has my spidey senses tingling. What are your teens like in this respect? Maybe if you get a quiet moment, read up about adhd. You may recognise your dp.

There's a huge difference between sharing lots of conversation with each other, and monopolising the conversation to the point that the other person doesn't even have the space to hear themselves think never mind get a word in from time to time

Here is my husband, ordering, say, a pair of socks "ooh I think I will look at m&s... I will type in w w w dot m and s dot com oh their website is a bit slow to load it's just showing the loading thing ah here we are it is showing now what did I want oh yes socks where will that be oh I guess in underwear ok let me click on underwear here we are ok I guess I can filter what size am I oh yes size 11 feet oh yes that's how I filter it on yes and I guess what colour maybe blue or maybe black.... Oh I don't know oh yes I think maybe blue this time what do you think oh yes I think blue ok they have 20 different pairs ... [Insert half an hour of monologue reviewing the merits of each pair here] on right add to basket right now the basket is showing oh yeah now it wants me to log in [says login name and password out loud] right press enter ok now I am in ok what does it want me to add now ooh yes bank card details [reads those out loud. Possibly after small debate with himself out loud about which card to use] ah yes and our address [yes you have guessed it he says the address as he types it ..]... Oh look ok I can order them now right I will press submit now just let me check I did get the confirmation email....."

Ad infinitum

And no. For those asking. He wasn't this bad when we first met or I would have run for the hills.

I would have some large printed cards with:
SHUT UP
YOU HAVE INTERRUPTED ME AGAIN

I’M NOT INTERESTED

Seriously though I couldn’t live with this. Send him a letter telling him that his driveling on is making you very unhappy.

Sounds incredibly tiresome op. My brother is like this. We think he has Asperger's. Sorry I can't help with any more advice :( x

I do everything you’ve described to my DW, she does it to me. I guess that’s the difference as we both have time and space to bore each other with our every thought. I don’t mind it. I can see the issue though that he appears to have no interest in you. Which is rubbish and is it even worth addressing? Who wants to force their DH to be interested in them?

So many women on here who are miserable and will stay miserable rather than yell SHUT UP at the selfish bastard making them that way.

It makes me so sad and angry that so many of us have been conditioned to suffer through life like this, and feel too unsafe or financially vulnerable or exhausted to do anything about it.

Just know it's not normal and it's not OK, and if you've had enough there's support out there to help you get out. Please.

Yep, this fits my partner - 55, just diagnosed with ADHD - to a tee.

He's got ten times worse since he turned 50. It's impossible to have a conversation with him, I've barely said 5 words and he's interrupting me....assuming he knows what I'm about to say, and like I tell him, he gets it wrong 99% of the time.

I've started yelling 'CAN YOU LET ME FUCKING FINISH' ... the main character syndrome has got worse, too.

We don't live together. Thank fuck. He's not medicated yet, I'm hoping to God he improves when he is, otherwise...

I sympathise. My Dh is somewhat similar.He was an only child and grew up thinking the world revolves around him. If he phones when I’m out I just say “what?” And if it’s when he’s out, I say “you’re only phoning because you’re bored”. He has lots of good attributes luckily and if it gets too much I just ask him to stop talking at me. Or to leave me alone. He doesn’t like it but it saves my sanity!

Big noise cancelling headphones. I wear mine whenever my DH is being annoying chatty. And then gesticulate that I can’t hear. Works a treat! 😁