AIBU to feel guilty about skipping my weekly visit to Mum

You have to put your own oxygen mask on first OP. So you are doing the right thing.
Your mum is probably never going to understand or appreciate how tired you are or how busy your life is. So all you can do is put the boundaries in and keept to them. It is hard especially if your sibling isn't stepping up

@BoldAquaOP So sorry to hear you are going through this. I made the mistake of selling my house and moving in with my elderly mother a few years ago to look after her as it was clear she could no longer cope on her own. I have learnt the hard way that you have to do as others have said and not 'reward' the manipulative behaviours. You have a life and need to be allowed to live it and have some downtime. Your health can easily start to suffer if you don't and there is also the impact on your own family. A loving mother would not try to guilt you into visiting. I do understand that she is lonely, but ask yourself why no one else visits, if this is the case. Look after yourself and feel free to message me if you want to.

I do understand to an extent as it was similar for my mum after my dad died. She gradually gave up, ended up in a care home and recently died.

I live a lot further away and had small children and just couldn't make the journey as often as I perhaps 'should' have. But, my children had to come first. And thankfully for me (although we didn't have the closest relationship), she mostly did understand that, although would get very upset when we left after visiting.

The wants of those towards the end of life, don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs. Re-set the dynamic and just see less of her. Life does get small as we age. That’s just unfortunate.

You aren’t going to change them. All you can do is change how you manage them.

What has worked for me and my brother, is to get in first with the complaints. Instead of playing down your own problems, you have to play them up.

So, you’re not feeling well this week and can’t go.
Next week you will be exhausted.
Then you visit, but while you’re there complain about how hard it is to juggle everything, and an issue that’s a worry at work.

It isn’t lying, it’s no longer protecting her from your reality. The way she doesn’t protect you from hers.

That's difficult then.

You're definitely not being unreasonable though x

I'd tell Mum and brother that from now on you'll visit once a month. Take a deep breath, ignore the fall out. It'll pass. And enjoy your life. You can choose to feel guilty or not, that's up to you, but you must put your children and yourself first

How much did she do for her parents at your stage of life?

Also, you mention your brother has mental health issues. Is he getting any treatment/seeking advice for this? If not, there’s absolutely no way I’d be picking up the slack for him. I bet between them they would manage the food shopping if the cupboard was bare.

Is there a reason why your mum can't find hobbies, get out and socialise with people?

My mother lives about an hour away on her own. Her world is quite small (by her own doing, though my dad did die quite young, so I do really feel for her in that respect) and she would be delighted if I visited more regularly or did her admin and food shopping. But life is busy, I also have a full-time demanding job etc. and sometimes you just need time to re-charge. Never mind see friends, have a social life, keep on top of the housework, home maintenance projects etc. So I do well if I see her once per month.

why can’t she do her own shopping? Is she in poor health? I would honestly set some firm boundaries, tell her once, clearly and firmly, that of course you care about but you have a lot to juggle and weekly visits just aren’t possible. Explain that if she hangs up on you, that is her choice, and she can phone you back when she’s ready to have a civilised conversation, but you won’t be the one to pick up the phone. I’d tell her that I loved her, and that if she loved me, she would understand that I have a lot on my plate and want me to have some time to myself.

and tell your brother to fuck off, help his mother a bit more and stop trying to guilt trip you.

I’ve just had 2 days with 85yo father. He’s generally pretty good but ageing is increasingly apparent. 2 days was enough! And tbf he was mostly very appreciative. He’s 200 miles away and I do worry about the future. But OP I really feel for you - your mum and brother sound awful. Set boundaries to protect yourself.

Is there any reason why she can’t visit you, one hour away will no doubt be longer by public transport but it would make it easier for you and she would get out of the house

Autistic brother and mother?

So you are pandering to two moody adults and taking time away from your own family!
And they aren’t even grateful!
Time to take a big step back. The hanging up is so manipulative.

So you and your brother both have mental health issues and share an emotionally manipulative mother. Therapy would help you to stop feeling guilty, start feeling angry, and then find a calm acceptance that your mum is not a great mother