Has my experience of motherhood made me a completely insensitive?

You are resilient.

There's been a social cultural shift and there are whole generations who identify with being victims of something or other and like to be very vocal about it. Everyone wants to be seen as special in one way or another through identity politics, despite it almost being tribal. Life today is very divisive.

I'm almost 60 and my generation of women were brought up to just get on with it. Life is full of challenges and adversity is something to be overcome. Stamina, self dependency and resilience were qualities that were admired. Don't crack under pressure. You can do it! etc. Nobody likes to hear wingeing or someone being a drag. The Buddhists believe that once you acknowledge that life contains suffering, then there is less pain. Maybe that's it. Personally, I'd rather have a nice glass of Prosecco and a laugh.

I'd say it sounds like you need a new set of friends. More heavy duty and like yourself.

OK well as you pointed out I don’t know about the circumstances… I wasn’t being a smart mouth I genuinely thought you were being really nasty to your MIL and on a post about being insensitive to people due to prior experiences I felt it was relevant. However I am sorry that I clearly hit a nerve and deeply upset you. I think your upset over the scenario, which I know nothing of as you’ve noted - you certainly didn’t mention tragic events during your first post - is colouring your horror here. Absolutely nothing I said was that bad in reaction to the information I had available to me which was limited.

I didn't say that part out loud? Did you not see the strike through? I absolutely thought it. In the particular circumstances, it was very tone deaf and stupid of her to moan to me and expect my comfort after failing to provide any to me when it was really needed.

I did not feel the need to put all the details on here as it was just a passing comment. The fact that you and roseolivia felt the need to stick your boots in after reading it says a lot about you both tbh.

In the circumstances, which you know precisely NOTHING about, it was extremely tone deaf of my mil.

I was only using my story in passing, to empathise with the op. You took that passing comment and decided to be a smart mouth over being a decent human being. If you could not have brought yourself to be decent you could have at the very least just kept your mouth shut. What is wrong with you that you felt you had to get a dig in after what I had said?

I am absolutely horrified at what you said to me. I cannot even begin to tell you.

Sorry for derail op - I absolutely wouldn't have chosen that to happen

I’m not sure that isn’t the pot calling the kettle after you told your MIL to shut the fuck up when she was upset?

My child's school is a mile from my work. I still can't do drop off because of the timing. That example from your OP seems very harsh.

Try to meet people where they are. Their life isn't yours, and judging them won't make the situation any different.

I actually think one kid (even a baby) pretty easy. I found it manageable even when my partner was working away for weeks at a time, so just me and the baby, and I was ill.

Now I have two and even with a partner I find it chaos. So while I think it's great you didn't struggle, I think it's harder the more kids you have - you'll always find someone who had it harder, single parents of multiples - or a couple with 3+ kids will have less free time than you do as a single parent of one.

I think you should try to regain empathy even if you think your friends have it 'easier'. Not everyone is as resilient as you!

No this is my reaction to you saying your MIL can’t express that she’s sad because her grandchild is very far away and she won’t meet them for months because your mother died young.

Yes it’s sad that your mother died young and didn’t meet her GC. It’s also sad that your MIL didn’t get to meet her grandchild early on. Two things can be sad at once but your post acted like your MIL was doing something deeply offensive to you rather than just expressing that she was sad.

You’ve learned to be resilient and they have not.
If you don’t do it, nothing gets done. They have support and choices.

You are fire fighting, putting out those little flames as you go.

I’m naturally very unempathetic and think “just get on with it” whenever someone moans about something they can potentially change.

However every few years something happens to me that is devastatingly humbling and I basically get my arse handed to me by karma. The latest (which is ongoing) is the worst work/career issues I’ve had to deal with for years with no easy resolution / end in sight.

So my new motto - and I hope I stick to it - is EMPATHY FIRST.

I can relate but it is a military thing in my case, 2 decades following the flag and i really can't deal with anyone whinging that they are having a tough time because their dh is a way for work for 2 nights and life is hard because they have a cold and are having to parent on their own or they had to take the bins out and change a lightbulb all by themselves or their parents only have the children once a month so they can have a date night. Bloody wet wipes. To use a military saying, get your head down, arse up and get fucking on with it.

I’m not convinced you are insensitive. I am hearing that you are competent and are resilient and are noticing that others are less competent than you and less resourceful. I don’t think you are at a luxurious stage of life where you have spare bandwidth for those that arent rising to life’s challenges very well. I think you are in Beast Mode, as they say, which is the mode in which capability comes first and foremost. It’s ok to be like that. The world isn’t short of sympathy people.. it’s always profoundly in need of strong people that ‘ just get on with it.’ You are setting a great example for your child. Take pride in where you are.

I think you’ll find the person with an empathy deficit here is you.

And "people" are allowed to be sad about whatever they want. But my mil moaning to me about not getting to see her gc for a few months is tone deaf.

Bless you though 🙏

What in the actual fuck‽

That is your first reaction to reading about the death of my mother, young and in tragic circumstances? Well, aren't you a wonderful human being?

Ah yes the old ‘something sad happened to me so nobody else is ever allowed to be upset about anything’ people.

I can so relate. The saying what doesn’t break you, makes you stronger was made for people like us. People who’ve not had to face being on the bones of their arses like us when it comes to life events will never understand.

It’s important to remember we don’t all have the same baseline. Maybe their bodies aren’t as strong as yours? Maybe their brain copes worse on less sleep, maybe they’re not as intelligent as you and so struggle with the organisation or they’re not tech savvy or they’re emotionally deregulated.

No point imagining all women are designed exactly the same and so should be able to do the same things.

Your child is still little. You are still in the throes of broken nights, illnesses, child hanging on you every second of the day. As your DD becomes easier and less demanding of you you will find that you can empathise with others in different stages of life to you.

I was a single mum to five kids, no family, no help, no money. You cannot imagine my silent fury when mums would complain about their DH going off golfing for an afternoon, leaving them 'struggling' with two children. But as my kids grew out of dependency on me I learned that everyone had their struggles, different to mine but no less valid. Now they are adults I can fully feel for those who are underslept and touched out.

I get it op.

Not the same thing but I lost my mum quite young and in quite horrible circumstances. When my mil started crying because her grandchild in Australia would be walking by the time she met him, I think I actually did say "yes well, my mum has never met her grandchildren and never will so shut the fuck up". It was just so tone deaf of her.

I'm slightly on the other side of this as I've recently started working full time after always being part time with my kids. I can slightly feel my friends who've always worked full time roll their eyes at me worrying. So I don't go on about it to them, I talk to my non-working/part time mum friends who get it a bit more. I think there's an element of your friends and siblings reading the room if expecting you to sympathise with one night alone!

On the flip side, one of my kids is extremely challenging and when my friends are getting worked up because one of theirs has gone off salmon I just say something bland and change the subject! I don't think there's anything wrong with not being the person to complain to about a specific issue, tbh.

I hear you op, totally. “Just fucking stop moaning and get on with it” is something I say in my head, to others, very frequently! I do not say it out loud, because, like you, I am a product of my experience and I know, not everyone else has had that experience. I wouldn’t wish it on them either! On the upside, it does make you exceedingly resilient.

You’re a product of your environment and you’re still in survival mode. Little wonder you feel that way.

I completely get this OP. I won’t tell you about my life but yep, it’s really hardened me and I don’t have much sympathy for people banging on about their ordinary problems. Though I hide it or else I’d have no mates 😂