Has my experience of motherhood made me a completely insensitive?

I think youve just developed coping skills more rapidly than others. Don’t you remember floundering at the start? But equally it’s totally understandable that you have a practical view of the kind of things other parents get overwhelmed by. It’s great to see the plus side of what was a challenging situation.

And again - if you feel I have attacked anyone please report it and it will be deleted. I really do not mind.

@MrsPinkSky

I am not happy that I have needed to post this much at all to be honest.

If that poster had asked me "hang on, she just was upset and you swore at her?" I would have clarified what I meant, but she went straight with "oh something sad happened to you so nobody is ever allowed to be sad ever again"....

WHAT‽ No.

I agree with this

People are allowed to moan, and are allowed to seek support from their friends. This is healthy and doesn't mean that someone is weak

You shouldn't have been in the positions you were put in OP. It's sad you have lots of friends and yet we're still having to crawl across the floor when ill to change your child's nappy. People should have support. U

I disagree, I think you very much attacked her but if you’re happy with how you’ve been posting then that’s an end to it I guess.

Just think before you whip out your passive aggressive remarks. Friendly advice, not an "attack" 🙄

I did not attack her. Any personal attacks break talk guidelines and should be reported.

I merely defended myself from a very unnecessary dig she felt the need to get in for absolutely no reason at all.

People can only get what’s written down.

None of us are psychic so if you type half a story you’ll get judged on half a story.

I still think you were wrong to attack the PP.

Well yes that’s obviously reasonable… but that wasn’t detailed in your prior post. You made a short post without context that made it sound like you were mean and I made a short reply without context. Expecting a fully contextual reply to a comment without said context isn’t reasonable. But I’ll leave it there as, for obvious reasons now, it’s clearly a touchy topic for you.

So then don't make judgemental comments when you do not know the full story. I shouldn't have needed to write it all out. I only wanted to let op know I sort of understood why she struggles to wheel out the pity party sometimes. There was absolutely no need for any of this

'hyper independence isn't a badge of honour its a wound'

Seriously? This is the type of shift in thinking that will keep you in the victimhood mentality and will do you no good.

Being capable and able to stand & think on your own two feet is a strength not a weakness. You are more liable to bounce back faster than someone wingeing about needing support. We have the power of agency - use it.

If you honestly cannot see why that is reasonable, I don't know what else to say to you.

Why wouldn’t I see that is reasonable??

I think most people would.

And if by any chance any of this changes your mind and makes you or rose think "hmm ok maybe I get why notthe wasn't up for being her mil's shoulder to cry on", (I will not hold my breath obviously), maybe think about that before you decide to make comments about a very brief post you reallu don't get.

Sorry again op. I do get what you mean although I have not experienced the same thing. That was really all I wanted to say in my first post.

It was struck through, so I honestly thought it was pretty obvious I didn't say it out loud.

She is allowed to be upset, but she is not allowed to come to me for a moan and for comfort when she failed to provide any when I really could have used it. I didn't want to have to go into all of this, but she and her daughters were extremely cold and insensitive when my mum died. Eye rolls and abruptly switching subjects one month after she died because they asked where my necklace was from and I said it was from my mum, we found it wrapped and under the Christmas tree the day after she died (Christmas eve). Eye rolls when we said dh and Icouldn't stay out drinking because we were exhausted and hadn't really had a Christmas (because she had died very suddenly). There is a lot more. She then came to me a couple of years later because her delightful daughter had upped sticks to Australia and mil wanted to moan to me. Absolutely fucking not.

If you honestly cannot see why that is reasonable, I don't know what else to say to you.

I think you might in time. Not quite the same but I had a ten day old baby in my arms and a two year old with gran when a very uncomfortable doctor told us DH was never going to recover fully after an accident, in fact he was going to get worse. So I had to go back to work earlier than planned, I cared for him and the children. I know exhaustion. It is different now, yes he has got worse, I still get tired but the kids are grown and I'm retired and somewhere along the way I found my lost empathy. Good luck.

Yes we cross posted.

Bit weird to type it if you didn’t actually say it.

But either way, everyone is allowed to be upset for whatever reason, even if some of us have had it harder as you appear to have had.

I’m disabled.

i was in an accident and badly injured my foot and leg. I had to learn to walk again. It was shit.

i very much have a get the fuck on with it attitude but I didn’t like having to sort out my own support post accident and organise my own wheelchairs and be refused nhs physio etc and frankly I’d like it if no-one ever went through what I did because sure I got through it but it sucked big time.

I completely understand this - my son is profoundly disabled and non-verbal with high care needs. When people I see ccomplain about taking out their older, well-behaved, neurotypical children I struggle not to feel frustrated that they don't understand how much I would love the same experience. But I also have to have a word with myself sometimes as I find it hard with my neurotypical daughter who never stops talking, and I have to remind myself how lucky I am that she does talk 😅 so I can see both sides I guess!

This sounds like resentment because you had to get on with it, hyper independence isn't a badge of honour its a wound. Its normal and acceptable to want and need support and I'm sorry you didn't have any. It sounds tough and like you have put up a big wall to protect yourself from feelings.

Another person hard relating here.
Another level I struggle with is how sad I feel at my friendships growing distant as I struggle to connect to their concerns.
They don't get if your solo/single with no back up you can't just sign up for an evening class or pop out - the dynamics are so different it's hard to relate to each other and that's sad.

I've found the best most supportive of friends to be those who are childless, there is no comparison with their own experience of coupled parenting

I have already said, I didn't say it out loud. But I did think it. She really ought to shut the fuck up. That's true for a lot of people tbh.

There does seem to be a sort of motherhood misery top trumps. I suppose what about mums who have a supportive partner but also have a disability or chronic fatigue illness, or ones where it seems like they should be doing ok because they have a partner, but behind closed doors the partner is abusive? Or their child has special needs, perhaps as yet undiagnosed, so the parenting is particularly relentless.

It's easy to think others have it easier but people may be facing all kind of challenges you don't even know about.

I did mention the tragic events in my first post. Maybe if you took the time to read properly instead of your smart mouth gotcha reflex kicking in you would have seen it.

I completely agree with you. I was widowed when my children were very young - 3 under school age, so had to bring them up myself as I had no choice. Many years later, I still seethe (quietly to myself) whenever I hear or read someone complaining that they have to do bedtime on their own or get no help at weekends. It is doable and I am very proud of the amazing adults that I have raised.

I’m surprised you keep attacking this poster

Telling a crying woman to shut the fuck up, also isn’t a decent thing to do.

I mean it’s done, but as you posted about it I don’t think it’s right to attack someone with an opinion on it that you don’t like.