Has my experience of motherhood made me a completely insensitive?

Op, I think actually that what you are feeling is only partially the result of all the things you have had to overcome. Someone said to me when my dc were small that when you have children, some of your friendships suffer because you realise your parenting styles/approaches are so different. And I think this is partially what you are experiencing, exacerbated by your naturally capable, "get on with it" approach being super charged by your situation.

I think i am a middle ground parent in terms of i definitely just get on with things and get frustrated when people are totally useless, but i do get overwhelmed sometimes and can drop balls. The super super in control parents scare me and the clueless ones drive me mad! 🤣🤣🤣.

Also, inknow 2 women with sort of similar hurdles as you and they are both great parents on a day to say basis but absolutely useless at all the admin and logistics and yes, their children miss out as a result in recent weeks these kiss have missed school performances, a leavers party, a birthday party. And those are just the ones i know about.

I understand completely OP. I've been through a lot of very serious stuff. I feel the same way. It's not that I don't care, I do. My life still demands a lot. It bothers me but I've come to the conclusion that the reason I feel that way is that I don't have the emotional energy to spare anymore.

There's an analogy someone gave me. We are like cups. We can only give from the overflow of a full cup. If our cup is empty, there is no overflow. Mine is empty. I can give to my family fully but there is next to nothing left for outside that. Emotional exhaustion.

Both my parents died when I was in my early 30s. I have no siblings. I have no living children as I could never carry a pregnancy to term and I’m too old to have children now. I have however been told I’m SOOOOOO lucky not to have children to worry about or elderly parents to care for. I’m SOOO lucky to have so much disposable income (no one knows about the 50k of IVF debt I ended up with) and also all those lie ins I can have at weekends! So amazing apparently! I have learned not to complain about any aspect of my life to friends. But also accept that they will moan to me. If my friends couldn’t complain to me about their parents or children they’d have nothing to talk about and I’d have zero friends. The art of nodding and smiling has been lost these days. I’m a pro.

Well your child is only little still- there are different challenges when they get older and start school for example. Children can also vary widely. I raised elder DS without his dad in the picture at all but he slept through the night for 12 hrs solid from 6 months old. Younger DD has a great dad who shares parenting equally but she didn’t sleep properly until she was 4 & I felt far more drained with younger DD as I didn’t sleep properly for years. Children may be ND, have physical issues or just be more hard work than other kids. People might be in abusive relationships, have useless partners, be in poverty, live in a poor area etc. There are so many variables.

I think it depends on what you are used to.
When I had one child I didn't know how people with 2 managed.
At least when baby was awake during the night, she might sleep later in the morning and so would I so that used to help me relax.
I used to think , imagine if I had to be up with a toddler in an hour.
We do what we have to do.
I have 3 kids now.
Im always surprised how people have time to spend an hour putting kids to bed, but they do.
There's a 5 year gap between my oldest and youngest spending an hour with one and leaving the others downstairs for an hour was not an option.

It’s a hard one op, I get while you feel like that, but then we could all ignore people’s woes comparing them to things that happened to us, that doesn’t mean that person isn’t having a tough time too.

I don’t think YANBU at all but everyone’s perspectives are completely different. Everyone has different thresholds for what they can tolerate.

I don’t think you have lost your empathy; I’m sure when genuinely bad things happen to your friends you are kind and thoughtful.

But getting into thought cycles of ‘I can deal with it, why can’t they’ will drive you mad. Just let it wash over you like a wave. Be thankful that your friends’ biggest problems seem trivial to you. I know you wouldn’t wish that they had the same hurt you have.

YABU. It’s all relative. There will be another level of hardship above yours and I’m sure you would want other people to empathise with you for something you may struggle with, rather than think of you with disdain.

I haven’t had a challenging experience like you (I’m married and my parents are practically though not financially helpful) however feel exactly the same. I feel like screaming ‘just fucking get on with it’ as people make a meal of life. It’s hard for all of us at times, but continual ineffectual whinging won’t help will it.

I’m a pretty resilient person, I won’t bore you with the details of the shit I’ve had to overcome but I promise you it’s more than many.

I also find parenting pretty hard at times, despite having just one child, enough money and a supportive husband. That’s fine, I’m allowed to find hard things hard, and it doesn’t make me a wet wipe or a victim or whatever other word people are enjoying throwing around on here to make themselves feel better.

I also find it quite tedious when the old ‘I had 3 kids under 5 and my husband worked away and I had no family or friends and I just got on with it’ posts get thrown out. A lot of those things are choices to be honest - some of us chose to have fewer children, to stay nearer to support networks, to wait until we were in the position where we could choose to go part time or whatever if it was what worked best, to choose a partner who would be around. It doesn’t necessarily make us weaker or undeserving of empathy when despite those advantages we still find bits of parenting hard.

Of course nobody can plan for exes being abusive or just callous twats who leave you in the lurch, or illness or bereavement and I’m in absolute awe of the women who are able to carry on and do a great job raising children despite such difficult circumstances (I was raised by one and know many others), I wouldn’t personally choose to vent to someone I knew had more challenges than me at present, but I really hate the common trope on mumsnet that to struggle, feel overwhelmed or expect/ need any support with parenting at all makes you weak and pathetic.

I think some thought reframing (and long term maybe even some counselling to help you process what you have been through with your lack of support network) would help you a lot here.

You have been through an awful lot. You have obviously done amazingly so it seems sad to me to say you hate yourself for feeling this way because you feel your words are empty.

This is where the reframing comes in - when you see those messages from your friends and those feelings of frustration come up (which leads to negative feelingd) maybe you could acknowledge that but reframe it as, "I had to go through all this myself, this is something I should be really proud of, and now I have come so far I am in a position to give support to other people."

Then you can take a step back, not worry that you're being negative toward yourself, and also that might help remove the feeling of emptiness in your words you are describing. Because you've already addressed your feelings toward the differences in experiences between you and your friends, and your frustrations.

I don't think you sound insensitive by the way. It sounds like you care a lot but like all of us, you carry your own experiences with you and it sounds like those years were a lot.

Yes, it is this exactly. Thank you 💐

Same with the op. If I knowingly moaned about parenting to a busy loan parent, whose ex left her in the lurch, I would tell myself, in no uncertain terms, to STFU.

This has already been noted.

No that's not what she was saying.

You don't complain to the person who's mother just died about how you don't get to see your mum as often as you would like because she lives an hour away.

You don't complain to a person whose child just failed all their A levels about how upset you are that your kid din't get all A*

You don't complain to a homeless person about how frustrating it is to have to deal with the plumbing in your 3rd home

Choose your audience

I remember after dd2 was born and dd1 was at nursery, i was sat there thinking how ridiculously easy one newborn baby was. You become as able as the situation calls for and you've had it tougher than most.

This is horrible. I'm so sorry.

But she didn't tell anyone to STFU, she only said it in her head.
It's quite possible her mother's passing was still very fresh so it really hurt the OP. I can understand her MIL's pain, too though.

I get you OP I have done a lot of parenting solo. We have 3 under 5 and I have a husband who has just recognised he is an alcoholic.

he has largely been not engaged with family life and just dips in here and there for 1 hour every weekend. I shoulder the load solo a lot.

i realise this has made me a bit bitter and I eye roll at friends who complain their cleaner was late this week or their child didn’t put their shoes on quickly enough this morning. It’s draining to hear such trivial issues blown out of proportion. I don’t say anything but perhaps my silence speaks volumes

Did the people you're moaning about only have one child as well, or were they trying to juggle two or three? There's a big difference IMO.

OP, I'll admit I'm like you.
I just get on with things and find it hard to understand people complaining about minor things.
Eg we bought a fixer upper and I spent many evenings and weekends working on it, staying up till late and the getting up for work the following morning. I just got on with it.
Then someone I know bought a new build and constantly complained how hard it is to have to pick your kitchen, bathrooms and flooring from all the different options and how hard it is to find the time for it when you also have a job (???), found it very hard to be supportive.
But I really only have one person in my life who complains about minor things, everyone else I know works hard and gets on with things.

I think you can’t tolerate it because it’s a show of vulnerability & you’ve had to be in survival mode since the get go so it’s become ingrained. You’re recognising it which is at least something. I think it’s still worth faking the empathy for those close to you & obvs your DC but pple that you just don’t relate to or who you think are moaning - you’ve the right to avoid. I suppose it’s hitting a nerve though for a reason. Are you crying out really for some support or someone to look after you a little bit? I get it. Probably you are & like you say it all stops with you. You don’t get the luxury of being vulnerable or even wanting some support because there’s nobody else to give it - so what’s the point thinking about it.
Maybe carving some time out of if at all possible for just something that nourishes you or your soul might be a start. I think you’re feeling resentful & it makes perfect sense why. Or maybe something to get your anger out at that very fact? Like your unadulterated anger at the fact you have had to do it all on your own? Not sure how or with whom? Not to be a victim about it but more just to process it?

If you think I have attacked anyone, please report it. I do not mind at all.

I don't like my mil especially, no. I do not care if she likes me (and she probably doesn't).

But that actually wasn't my point or the problem. It was that (irrationally maybe), when people moan about not seeing their mums at Christmas or not seeing their grandson for a few months, I do think "really? I am the person you picked to moan to about that...at Christmas a few years after my mum died young, suddenly and in. Tragic circumstances on Christmas eve"? I do silently think "shut the fuck up". I do not think that makes me a monster actually but whatever you want

I do get what you mean.

But also, even when shit really hits the fan, i still find minor things annoying and want to vent to friends.

Having said that, i wouldnt rant to my single mum friends about DH being away, or debate which holiday to go on with a friend financially struggling.

I think some of it is your tolerance and some of it is friends choosing an appropriate audience.

I mean that is exactly what your post was without the context of the fact your MIL had treated you poorly

You didn't post any of your original story. It was not a personal attack to you (although i think you have made repeated attacks at the other poster). Your MIL is reasonable to be upset her daughter moved to Australia, and on the face of it its pretty unpleasant to think someone whos upset should shut the fuck up. Ultimately the issue is that you don't like each other not that you are insensitive