Trans widow and feel so much pain for her

You're assuming it's a fetish, but there's no basis for assuming that's true in Steve's case. By "living authentically" I simply meant living in accordance with what he genuinely believes about himself, whether or not I agree with it. That doesn't mean Jess's grief is any less real. I think both things can be true at once: Steve believes he's doing what's right for him, and Jess has lost the husband and marriage she thought she'd have.

I think we're discussing different things. My comment was about recognising Jess's grief while also acknowledging that Steve is making decisions he believes are right for his life. The OP asked how to navigate that situation, rather than inviting a debate about gender identity.

I know Steve can’t help feeling the way he does but I find this really selfish. It must be so awful for the poor children to understand. Plus poor Jess. I don’t know how I’d cope in this situation.

Sorry Izzy, I didn't realise that you'd also pointed out the obvious.

1. Jess is not a widow.
2. Steve is a selfish shit treating his wife this way.

Are they in the same boat as people who claim they have changed sex?

People who claim they have AGP are in the same boat of people that can't move on with science or don't know that science has moved on, so they will use the term as a way to express themselves even though it doesn't correspond with what they are.

If someone who thinks they have AGP had a therapy session and talked this over with a professional they would realise that the term is outdated/doesn't actually exist. They would most likely be diagnosed with body dysmorphia ect.

Also, I am not talking about kinks in which the majority of the people here are, kinks and being transgender are two very different things and a person can be both trans and have a kink.

But also… he’s not a woman and never can be. Calling yourself a widow because you feel bereaved is fairly mild compared with the accusations of genocide and deadnaming that come from the other direction, isn’t it?

Like Jane Fae, extreme porn advocate, who told his daughter he was transitioning the night before an AS exam. ttps://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/18/gender-dysmorphia-daughter-dad-woman

The obsession is the problematic bit, I agree. Our close friends went bonkers with the acquisition of a lunatic dog. The friendship will never recover.

This is the most difficult part. He can leave, people do, but this is unfair on the dc.

This is life destroying for Jess. I can’t imagine how betrayed she must feel; and I don’t know how you rebuild your confidence or judgement because this would destroy it. You’d feel your judgement was all wrong and you’d never trust again I don’t think; not really.
Keep supporting her. I’m not surprised she feels grief - I agree it’s worse because now there’s a ‘new’ person just rubbing it in your face. Best of luck to your friend. The selfishness of her ex is abhorrent. x

It's really hard on any friendship - or relationship - when people get obsessed with anything. My friend became unhealthily obsessed with her dog and had to bring him everywhere, which meant that we became severely curtailed in what we could do. No theatre, no favourite restaurant anymore, no cinema, and if she had an appt where she couldn't take him, like a hospital appt, she would get a babysitter for him. A BABYSITTER FOR THE DOG!!!! It really strained our friendship, a strain that didn't let up until the poor doggie passed away. Another friend lost her husband to a fencing hobby. Anyone who gets obsessed with something becomes a complete pain in the arse, no matter what it is. I think Jess's life will be a lot more balanced without her mental husband in it.

@Thatannoyingone of course AGP is a thing. Men have all sorts of paraphelias. Being aroused by cross dressing and/or the thought of themselves as a woman is as old as time.

You haven’t answers the PP question about the men who admit they are an AGP, are they lying?

Exactly, Steve is a man, who had sex with a woman and fathered children.
Steve is still a man, but wants to wear clothes that would stereotypically seen as women’s and be seen as a woman. Male liking sex with females, how can homophobia be seen in that?

I don't think there's been much antipathy or antagonism on this thread. Some people have acknowledged that it's never easy on the people closest to those transitioning. And it has to be a dreadful shock to the system, wherever it comes from.

However, I remain convinced that single sex spaces and single sex sports competitions are non-negotiable. It is ridiculous to expect even Amazonian women to play tennis or cycle against male rivals.

I disagree. He must have had an idea of his interests before he conned an innocent woman into devoting her life to him and having kids with him.

WTF women don’t father children. Your friend should have thought more about his female-ness before he did so. Totally selfish, poor children.

Agree.

I had a school friend who’s dad did this around her GCSEs and he actually came to parents evening dressed up. I felt awful for her at the time but now I’m an adult it really must have been tough.

I think all you can do is offer Jess support and a safe space to vent and say how she feels if she wants to.

Can you point to the homophobia on this thread? I haven't seen any, nor have I seen anyone talking about bringing back institutions. Odd thing to say.

Intersex is an outdated medical term. The people affected, their families and the HCPs and scientists who support them prefer to talk about disorders of sexual development or DSDs. This is a better term because intersex sounds like it's a third sex somewhere between male and female. That is impossible. Every single human being who's ever lived is either male or female, just like all the other mammals. DSDs are sex specific.

Really? This deluded man has put his wife and children through an immense trauma, and is continuing to do so by gaslighting everyone to force them to refer to his as ‘her’ and his kids to refer to him as ‘mummy’. And you think those of us who believe it’s a disgusting way to behave are bigots? You’ve really got a screwed up idea of right and wrong here. Shame on you.

Then why do they call their old other-gender name their 'dead name'?

You are wrong. It is effectively a death. The man you were married to has died, and in his place is a woman who is a stranger. "Widow" is both a poignant and accurate description for many wives who find themselves in this position.