Trans widow and feel so much pain for her

@Thatannoyingone

Intersex people are not intersex though. Every intersex person is male or female. They are either males with a disorder of the male sex or females with a disorder of the female sex. Sex is one of nature’s true binaries.

All of this is irrelevant to men like Steve who are do not have a disorder of sex development. Steve in unambiguously a male, regardless of how he chooses to dress or present.

So basically this website is full of tansphobic and homophonic people, such a safe and welcoming space.

Children can grow up with two mothers, two fathers. What's wrong with a trans mum? Are they not present in the child's life, no! Yes it's an adjustment for the family but you know what? Both parents are there for them. It might not be what it was but at least they are there.

The majority of people saying trans people are a mental illness is absolutely absurd! Non of you understand science or biology, there isn't just man and woman, what about intersex people? They are more intersex people than trans.

I feel for the mother of the children she is obviously grieving the husband she had, but non you have heard of the other side. Non of us know the full story, just one side.

Yes you should support your friend, but you shouldn't attack a whole community of people for simply existing.

Trans people have been here the whole time throughout history, it's not new or a mental illness!

By the way some of you are talking it's like you want to bring back institutions for all that don't fit in the box you have imagined, it's disgusting.

God the number of transphobic people on this site is nauseating.

yes, there is a loss with transitioning. You lose your old friend and gain a new one. Jess will need loads of love and support because she is grieving her future she has missed out on. Her husband can’t see her without remembering the difficulty of life before transitioning, repressing herself for the sake of being treated as a human. Therapy would be good for them both seperately.

Ah. I get what you mean by my comment above.

Gender expression is how you present yourself, this can be informed by socially agreed stereotypes, I.e. woman wear dresses and men trousers in very basic crude understanding. Gender is what's between your ears, your own understanding of your self, a completely subjective experience to each own person, and can be informed by these other parts or be independent of them.

The differences are important as even though we have a stereotypical idea of what a "woman" might be or a "man" most people will not meet all on the same points on all of these, i.e a man wearing a skirt is no less of a man in a suit. A masculine woman is no Les of a woman than a feminine woman. Their experience experience is unique to them.

If you understand yourself as a woman, and that makes you happy or feel at peace with yourself then congratulations you know your gender. If it dosnt, exploring it to gain a better understanding of it will soon allow you to see for yourself what it is.

For simplicity sake I kept this to binary genders but it applies to the whole spectrum, and each of these individual points above are also spectrums. There is no singular answer that fits all, just what fits you.

They're loads of books explaining this far greater than I ever could, I recommend reading Gender Trouble by Judith Butler.

I know this is not actually my grief but DH has a good friend who we have known throughout our marriage, let’s call him Steve.

Steve was married to Jess and had two children.

We spent a lot of time with them over the years. Camping trips, dinners, bbqs, birthdays. Steve was your classic sort of male really. He was quite attractive, funny, polite, well educated and both he and Jess very successful, had a beautiful home.

Anyway getting to the point. Almost out of the blue (to us at least), a few years ago Steve began transitioning. He is not short of money and has had facial surgery multiple times, paid for himself. He is extremely supportive of the trans community and recognises he is lucky he can access this sort of treatment.

Jess stayed with him through this, went to the appointments, talked to their kids about what this meant (primary age) and tried to stick in the marriage. It’s now broken down and they are doing their best to be great co parents to their children.

Jess’ grief is immeasurable. This couple always seemed so in love, so respectful of one another. She says she feels like her husband has died yet she has to experience this new person in his place, like he’s been stolen from her. I too have felt this obviously to a much lesser degree, but its truly life changing to even be affected by it even a little bit.

I should add that I have no strong views on what or who people choose to be but I suppose I am shocked that a person can live a lie for so long and especially put their children through it? DH has tried to be supportive but I think struggles more with Steve’s new interests more than anything, as in they don’t have much to talk about anymore as Steve is consumed by this (I suppose understandably) and his focus on what makes him a woman rather than anything else.

I don’t know what I am asking really. Just feel grief for Jess and for DH and wonder if others have been through similar how they navigated it.

Agreed. This is also a man whom OP has been friends with for 20+ years and who she has described in reasonably favourable terms.

So I'm prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume he's a raging fetishistic twat just because the word "trans" is mentioned. Presumably he's a nice enough person to be a good friend for two decades.

An OP asking for help isn't the occasion to get on a soap box and rant about how all trans people are perverts and fetishists.

You're not being asked to help Jess. You're being asked to help OP.

'Gender' is a misogynistic man-made social construct that doesn't exist. It was created by the patriarchy to keep women in line.

The only thing that exists is sex. And sex is real, proven, biological, tangible, and binary.

Because people brought up nonsense and then asked me questions, so I'm answering them.

Most people just like you keep bringing up that there is only man and woman which is untrue because intersex people exist, and so do many other things that break this binary thinking.

Okay, answer my question just this one.

Can you tell me in detail (as much as you can muster) the difference between biological sex and gender?

And if you can't tell from looking, you can from speech or walking!

Ah. I get what you mean by my comment above.

Gender expression is how you present yourself, this can be informed by socially agreed stereotypes, I.e. woman wear dresses and men trousers in very basic crude understanding. Gender is what's between your ears, your own understanding of your self, a completely subjective experience to each own person, and can be informed by these other parts or be independent of them.

The differences are important as even though we have a stereotypical idea of what a "woman" might be or a "man" most people will not meet all on the same points on all of these, i.e a man wearing a skirt is no less of a man in a suit. A masculine woman is no Les of a woman than a feminine woman. Their experience experience is unique to them.

If you understand yourself as a woman, and that makes you happy or feel at peace with yourself then congratulations you know your gender. If it dosnt, exploring it to gain a better understanding of it will soon allow you to see for yourself what it is.

For simplicity sake I kept this to binary genders but it applies to the whole spectrum, and each of these individual points above are also spectrums. There is no singular answer that fits all, just what fits you.

They're loads of books explaining this far greater than I ever could, I recommend reading Gender Trouble by Judith Butler.

Intersex is not an outdated term, both Intersex and DSDs exist and overlap at some points people who have different variations of chromosomes chose which one they identify with more.

As for the homophobia if you read through this thread you will see people going on how the children in this situation will have to call their now trans mother 'mum', and going on how this is bad for the "kids" having two mothers, this to me sounds both homophobic and tansphobic.

And my institutions comment, I'm going to ask you a question, if you don't like trans people or anyone who doesn't fit your ideal way of living as you are part of a large group on here... what do you want? These people do exist trans people exist and the majority of posters here are slandering them, where do you want them to be? As it sounds like you don't want them to live a normal life.

But many of us will struggle with that. I can’t help someone who is going along with her DC calling their father Mum (name). My only response if DH went down this path would be total opposition. He is my DC’s father, not their mother. I would push back very hard on that and would never refer to him as a second mother.

Confused no one died and they are getting divorced so what it happens every day

One of the many infuriating things about the people who come here (probably via Reddit) to lecture us is that they always assume that they are addressing women who are mothers first and foremost, homemakers, credulous, not very bright, certainly not highly educated and holding down responsible jobs.

For god's sake can't we talk about the reason the thread was started instead of rehearsing again and again all these damned trans arguments? Every thread is going the same way at the moment as soon as the word trans is mentioned.

The OP is asking for help how to help her friend.

@AnneLovesGilbert they call her mummy (new name)

For god's sake can't we talk about the reason the thread was started instead of rehearsing again and again all these damned trans arguments? Every thread is going the same way at the moment as soon as the word trans is mentioned.

The OP is asking for help how to help her friend.

For god's sake can't we talk about the reason the thread was started instead of rehearsing again and again all these damned trans arguments? Every thread is going the same way at the moment as soon as the word trans is mentioned.

The OP is asking for help how to help her friend.