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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel disappointed my daughter will not visit terminally ill DH

113 replies

Leonsma · 04/07/2026 15:48

Hi all, so my DH (not DDs dad but has been in her life since she was 2 years old) was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, we are really struggling as a family to cope. I have one DD from my first marriage who is 25 and 3 teenagers with my husband. We all live in London.

My issue is DD has made no effort to see us, she’s always busy, last weekend was a wedding, this weekend she’s at Silverstone, next weekend her boyfriend got them tickets for Wimbledon final, weekend after that they are going on holiday etc etc.
It’s non stop, she claims the next time she has a completely free weekend is the start of October!!
I asked if she could come over for just a morning or even after work, she said no she’s too busy, we are only 25 minutes away on the tube so it’s hardly a cross country mission.

Im really disappointed she’s making no effort to see DH who has done so much for DD or to see her own siblings who could really do with some support.

AIBU to think she’s being extremely selfish, and to feel disappointed in her?

OP posts:
KrazyKatty · 04/07/2026 15:59

Some 25yr olds are still incredibly self centred. I suspect she’ll regret her attitude when she’s had time to grow up and reflect after he’s gone.

In the meantime, focus on supporting your teens as they need you more.

Original poster
Leonsma · 04/07/2026 15:59

pinkfondu · 04/07/2026 15:57

Are you sure they got on well?

As sure as I can be, DD lived abroad for a while, she is very close to her dad, but she has been on days out with just DH in the last 2 years, used to call him when he was on long drives when she was younger, they went to the football together a few times in the last year.

OP posts:
WhatNextImScared · 04/07/2026 15:59

I was going to say YABU until I saw she’s only 25 mins away - less than most people in London commute to work, so she could come over for dinner for sure.

Antihistamine62 · 04/07/2026 15:59

I think it’s possibly avoidance, if she can’t see it it’s not happening type of thing.
tell her you are worried she may regret not making time to see him if his death is imminent x

BadSkiingMum · 04/07/2026 15:59

A horrible situation for you, but it can be hard when young and working ft as your time is already fully allocated and leave is limited. We tend to accrue flexibility with age/experience, but I remember times when it would have been almost impossible to take a morning off work.

Perhaps she doesn’t really get what the diagnosis means so is reluctant to cancel expensive weekend plans.

Another part of me wonders, given that you remarried and had three further children, whether there were periods when she felt that you weren’t prioritising her and now perhaps she is unconsciously returning that in kind?

Minasama · 04/07/2026 15:59

Does she understand that a cancer diagnosis means he may not be here for much longer (if that is the case with your DH?) ? If she does she’s being selfish and unreasonable. If she hasn’t grasped this maybe it needs explaining?

LetterBetter · 04/07/2026 15:58

Darragon · 04/07/2026 15:55

Sounds like she doesn’t want to tell you/thinks she won’t be believed if she tells you the real reason why she doesn’t want to see her stepfather.

Hinting at abuse is a bit of a reach.

madnessitellyou · 04/07/2026 15:58

It could also be avoidance op.

My mum wouldn’t go and see her mum when in a similar situation because she was in denial.

pinkfondu · 04/07/2026 15:57

Are you sure they got on well?

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 04/07/2026 15:56

Has she been treated fairly?
what’s the age gap between her and siblings?

Darragon · 04/07/2026 15:55

Sounds like she doesn’t want to tell you/thinks she won’t be believed if she tells you the real reason why she doesn’t want to see her stepfather.

Original poster
Leonsma · 04/07/2026 15:54

cestlavielife · 04/07/2026 15:51

Did she used to see you before the cancer diagnosis?
Or always has lived her life

It’s been up and down, she lived abroad until last summer, she went to uni abroad etc, but since coming back to London we’ve been seeing her about once a month, the last time we saw her was mid May and she claims she’s busy until the start of October!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 04/07/2026 15:51

Did she used to see you before the cancer diagnosis?
Or always has lived her life