AIBU to feel disappointed my daughter will not visit terminally ill DH

Thats very selfish indeed. Some folk do have a fear of illness but I still think it's no excuse.

i wouldn't say anything more about it to her but I certainly wouldn't be forgetting it

It could be avoidance, I.e. being scared of witnessing what is happening to her stepfather, it could be thoughtlessness or selfishness, or she could simply be overwhelmed by what is happening and the impending death of the man who raised her.

Either way, I would explain the reality of the situation to her and urge her to at least come to dinner once in a while. Tell her how much it would mean to her stepfather in the remaining time he has left. Spell it out, so she gets it and cannot hide behind an excuse of “I didn’t realise how serious it is/was”.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

With apologies for the bluntness, I think how you handle DD differs depending on how much time the diagnosis suggests he has.

If there is not long, you need to tell her with no room for misunderstanding what that timescle looks like and that if she intends to see him at all she needs to do so now.

If there is still likely some time to go and the reason you want her to visit now is for support and to start the process of accepting what is coming as a family, I'd be inclined to let it go but make sure that October date is properly locked in.

(For context to the bluntness, my DH has incurable cancer that will become terminal, so we are also balancing knowing what is coming with the need for ourselves and others to be still living our lives. My thoughts are with you.)

Get your mind out of the gutter. Utterly shameful.

Agree with pp that you need to be frank with her about likely timescales and outcomes. Not just for her but for you so when the worst happens, if she’s wracked with guilt, you know you did all you could.

She's young, in an exciting and busy phase of her life and it also doesn't sound like she's particularly close to your husband. Yes he's her step father but you said she's very close to her dad so for her it's not as important as if it were you or her dad. It's a shame and she might regret not visiting when it's too late but unfortunately there's nothing you can do to force the issue. You can explain that he'd appreciate a visit and how serious the situation is but you can't make her visit. Good luck OP - I hope you have friends and family who can give you some TLC when you need it.

Does she understand how bad things are with his health? Is she perhaps in denial about it or scared of facing it?

I would have a frank discussion with her that says ‘Look, X is dying, he may not be here in October. It would mean a huge amount to him and to me if you could spare a couple of hours to visit some time. I know it might be difficult for you and I do understand but I would hate for either of you to miss out on this last opportunity to spend some time together. I’m sure we can find a time that works for both of us.’

she’s not able to face it. i feel for her but even more so for you. i think you need to be blunt with her for everyone’s sake as she will likely regret not seeing him before he dies.

Don't be hurt OP. People deal with terminal illness in different ways.

My brother was a grown man in his 50s, but when our mum was dying, he was suddenly too busy. The reality was he couldn't cope with not being able to fix her. And he wanted to remember her how she had been, ie bossy & noisy, not frail and dying.

Oddly, dm understood.

Don't push your dd, let her deal with it in her own way.

YABU to jump straight to your DD being selfish. Maybe she is struggling with the news and scared to face up to reality. 25 is still pretty young, it might not even be a conscious decision to avoid it.

Are you actually trying to suggest that OPs dying husband has caused her not to come see them? Jesus, there's hatred for men then this is something else, have a look in the mirror and stop trying to plant a completely fabricated nasty story about a dying man.
Sorry you are dealing with this OP, people like this haven't got a brain cell.

If you are calling every week then I agree with this pp. At her age she won't be thinking about mortality in people close to her, it happens to other people. You must be upset on so many levels atm and I apologise if my previous post came across as snippy. It wasn't meant to be.

I suspect she hasn’t fully grasped the seriousness or indeed the impact of the diagnosis on you all

Agree, shame on you @Darragon a total reach and no suggestion of that in anything posted

Utterly uncalled for and extremely nasty to OP at such an awful time.

Sounds to me like it could be her coping tactic. I’m not saying she is right or wrong but some people would rather pretend it’s not happening rather than face the sad reality.

I absolutely agree with this. She can’t actually process the implications of the diagnosis and she doesn’t have the emotional maturity to engage with you or him about it. That early twenties age is quite an immature and self-centred one and she has probably never experienced anyone of your generation dying yet. Her head is in the sand and if she doesn’t physically see it she can avoid facing up to it. I am so sorry for your situation. My Dad died of cancer when I was 25. I didn’t really accept it and the end actually came sooner than predicted so I never had some conversations that I really should have.

I'm really sorry about your DH @Leonsma . I'm sure that you've posted about your DD before and if that was you, it's no surprise she won't come. This is a much bigger situation than you've described.

She likely just can’t face it. It is scary and she has a convenient escape route. She’s likely worried or anxious about what she says to him - sorry you are dying…? Perhaps you could get her over on a pretext of doing a job so younger sibling needs someone to take them somewhere- can she do it? People find handling vulnerability hard - you and your DH are the strong ones - always there, know what to do, but now that isn’t the case and that is scary. Perhaps you can find a way of addressing this with her whilst gently point8ng out that stepping up to support you would be appreciated.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. I suspect she hasn’t fully grasped the seriousness or indeed the impact of the diagnosis on you all. I think you should tell her how you feel. It may be poorly received but it needs to be said.

It’s been up and down, she lived abroad until last summer, she went to uni abroad etc, but since coming back to London we’ve been seeing her about once a month,

So she's not close and hasn't been for a while. Add in a partner who she wants to do exciting things with then it's not surprising. Some people aren't very good with other people's ill health either, nevermind a terminal diagnosis.

Do you call each other in between visits?

She doesn’t want to visit, she’s gets to make that choice.
But I think it’s selfish as I’m sure you and her half siblings would appreciate some support.

She can’t handle seeing him dying. Doesn’t help you, but it’s understandable.

Yes absolutely likely to be avoidance- I've seen this play out several times.

So sorry for what you're going through, OP.