AIBU to feel disappointed my daughter will not visit terminally ill DH

she could be fearful of having to experience your upset - could you suggest that she comes and sees him when you are not there ( to help you out ) - or give your daughter a specific task to do that is very practical - or involves popping in even for 15 mins and out again - with the boyfriend ? so it is as low an ask as possible ?
when my dad was ill it the worry about my mothers reaction / vulnerability was in some ways harder than dealing with my dad

At what age do we stop making excuses for people because they are ‘young’? She’s twenty-five for Gods sake. Not five or even fifteen! Sometimes we have to put our own feelings aside and think about other people. She is being incredibly selfish and uncaring and should be told so.

My mother died of cancer when I was a teen. I avoided her like the plague, and we were living in the same house. Reflecting on this after 45 years I think my avoidance was due to denial, embarrassment and to protect myself from heartbreak. I was out with friends living the teenage life, first bits of freedom and loving it. I was able to compartmentalize easily. I hope my mother had the maturity to see this, but I don't know for sure because as I said I avoided her, and any discussion or reference to her terminal illness. Perhaps like me your daughter can't look death in the eye at a young age, so she distracts herself with her life. It might be worth spelling out just the once in no uncertain terms how ill her stepfather is ( this however had the opposite effect on me and I withdrew even further) My siblings were younger and couldn't escape. I have paid for this avoidance, and still haven't grieved properly for my mother. But I don't know if I could have coped any differently at time. We are what we are at any stage in life. Your daughter will have to come to terms with her Stepfathers death but when and how is impossible to know.

I think at that age she should have the maturity to understand that you might need support, whether or not she feels up to seeing your dh. She does sound like she’s very much enjoying life and is too selfish to give up her time. Sorry you are going through this.

And then she'll probably be too late.

This is about supporting her mum, as much as anything. And she's not prepared to.

I'm very sorry for the situation you find yourself in I hope you are getting good support from family and friends and professionals. Loving someone who has received a terminal diagnosis is so very difficult.
I work very closely with the terminally ill and those who are actively dying/end of life. I agree with the above plenty of people receive a terminal diagnosis and can go onto to live even years others die within a few weeks. You hopefully know which category your DH falls into.
If its the latter then you need to have a chat with her and make it very clear what’s happening if you cant do it (many cant, actually speaking out loud what you know is often very difficult) do you have a Marie Curie/Macmillan/community nurse who would speak to her? If I was looking after you and your family I would be very willing to do this?
If its the former then Id wait a bit many people are unable to process this type of news and carry on living their lives as normal as they are so afraid of loosing someone they love and I suspect many sub consciously hope that if they ignore the diagnosis it will go away. Perhaps in a couple of weeks you could contact her and say that not only would her stepfather like to see her soon that you too are struggling and need some support/TLC and hopefully she'll come round literally and figuratively.

Typical MN ! Maybe she can’t deal
with it. Not everyone deals with terminal illness easily just cut her some slack. She’ll come when she feels ready

She’s being very thoughtless and selfish but I’m not sure what you can do about it - perhaps write or phone saying how important a visit and some shows of support/affection will be at the moment - to H, you and half-siblings.
I would be really disappointed if she were my daughter and if she didn’t respond to the above suggestions I’d be telling her not to bother in October ….she’s obviously got her own life and doesn’t give a stuff about her family.

Tough.

Yes, definitely have that conversation. Make it crystal clear.

When my DH was dying, I know that one of my young adult DDs found it incredibly difficult. I'm sure she'd rather have just kept away. But she didn't. She fought that instinct and her courage in being there for her dad to the end, and in order to support me with his care, was remarkable.

I'm sorry, but at times like this you push yourself into doing the right thing. Because other people need you to, and because, in the end, you're likely to regret it if you don't.

...as others have said, some people want to remember them being well.

Tough. It's not about them. It's about the dying person and the person caring for them. They need the support, and the carer has no choice in how they remember their loved one

Maybe she diesn’t want see him ill.

She is an adult but if you're close to the boyfriend you could perhaps ask if everything is okay with her. Maybe it is too overwhelming seeing your husband ill - as others have said, some people want to remember them being well.

Have you discribed his current situation specifically, is your husband mobile and able to hold a conversation etc, because without these details it can be a lot to mentally prepare for her to come back? If your husband is bedbound, where is the bed setup - is it in a family space - this can all be a lot to process when coming back to the childhood home.

She might not be close to her stepdad but anyone with half a brain knows that supporting your mum and siblings through the death of their husband/dad is important.

Agreed. She's in denial or are you maybe playing down the diagnosis without realising? The same happened with my dad. My mum never told me how serious my dad was when he had colon cancer 😞
But if she is aware,then she's being so selfish. You're needing support from her too.

I'd spell it out to her once - just once - and very seriously, about what a terminal diagnosis really means, and the timescale. Let her know you will need and appreciate support. Then leave it with her.

She may step up, she may not, but she is 25 and a grown woman now. Such things are a sad but real part of life. If she doesn't visit for whatever reason, I wouldn't entertain any outpourings of guilt afterwards, when the sad day comes.

This is not a question you need to answer, but what timeframe is the terminal cancer? Does your daughter think he has time? (ie prognosis is years/months as opposed to days/weeks) We can all only guess why she hasn’t visited, have you ever simply outright asked her, in a non judgmental way?

I’m so sorry OP 💐

You might need to be blunt, very clearly state thst her step father is dying and she need to come visit him not only to show him she cares but also to support you and her siblings.

She might respond better to being told that she is needed.

Avoidant behaviour. My own father died when I was 25. We lived in the same city. They had to phone me at work even though it was completely expected and he was receiving end of life care for a few days. I remember the office manager sitting me down and saying very carefully that I wasn't to come to work for the rest of the week and I needed to take some time. I think I was trying to block it out.

To me this sounds like she may have felt pushed out, especially going abroad and staying abroad until last year. I think it would be hard for a child to not feel pushed out when her mum marries a new man and has 3(!) kids with him. It would be natural to feel like an outnumbered outsider.

She wasn’t very close if she was only seeing you as often as you say. Now she might be trying to put more distance in place. She probably has some complex feelings about her stepfather and about the entire family. I understand that you’re hurt, but I don’t think that it’s helpful to frame it as her being selfish and you being disappointed. Nor is it reasonable to expect her to step in and comfort her teenage half-siblings. I also think that any attempt to bring it up with her might result in some harsh truths that you won’t be in a place to handle right now.

I’m sorry about your husband. I think the best thing you can do is focus on him and your younger three and let your older daughter continue to navigate on her own. She will come to you when and if she’s ready, and I think removing the expectations you have will help you feel less upset about this part of the situation. Hugs to you. Cancer sucks. 💐

My gran died last year and when we knew it was getting near the end for her I really struggled to make myself visit. I knew I'd struggle to hold it together and didn't want my Gran to see me upset when it was her who was dying. I also really struggled when my FIL was dying, we knew he didn't have long left. I'm just very emotional and don't want them to see that.

Some people really don't want to do one last visit or to say goodbye. They just want to remember things how they were. If i were you I'd tell her this is her chance to see him before he gets very poorly or before he goes (I'm sorry, I'm not sure how close to the end your DH is) and that her siblings would really appreciate seeing her. As long as she knows this it's in her hands, she will have to live with whatever she decides.

I would assume it’s too much for her to handle and just keep her informed and keep on being her mum. It’s probable that she doesn’t know how to support you, or how to be around you, or him, in such a difficult period.

Sorry OP. YANBU. She sounds utterly selfish and insensitive.

Yes, I would be really disappointed too OP! Call her up, tell her in no uncertain terms he is dying and that you all need to see her. And if she is too selfish, then remember it in the future when she needs you.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she is either young, self absorbed and doesn’t really “get it”, or that she is actively avoiding DH because she will find it very upsetting. Either way, I would have a clear conversation about the prognosis and how you expect her to make time for DH and the family to show that she cares. I would be disappointed in my daughter if she couldn’t spare a couple of hours to see DH or even show support for the family if she wasn’t close to DH

Yes I think she’s being selfish. She could take some time off work if she wanted to see you. A couple of days. I’d visit my worst enemy if they had terminal cancer and nobody else to see them let alone my step dad. I’d ask her why she’s being such a selfish cow when your husband and her siblings’ dad is dying tbh. Hold no punches.