AIBU to feel disappointed my daughter will not visit terminally ill DH

You could be right but I would like to hope that she cares enough abut her mum to want to support her. Again in my extensive experience both personally and professionally supporting those we love in particular our mums (and dads) is away from MN is pretty normal behaviour.

But you have no idea how much she likes or cares about him - this is not her dad, it's the man her mum married and she had no choice about. it's not her job to make sure the outcomes are better for her step siblings. You were obviously happy to support your neighbour and that is of course your choice. It's ok for her to make a different choice.

You don’t know her. Nor do I. We have no idea how she is doing. Saying ‘ tough’ in this situation was obtuse and callous, potentially. Why pounce to attack the daughter as selfish?
her mother says her daughter only phones home while a bit tipsy and walking along the street…… this implies avoidant behaviour. Dutch courage, keep it brief.

But how do you know this is a 'loved one'? How do we know this is (as someone else stated) 'someone she cares about'? Maybe it's just her mother's husband that she gets on ok with most of the time but isn't at all close to. I'd be very surprised if she regretted her actions, if she's not bothered about seeing him why would she become more bothered at a later date?

I wonder how much her mother considered the impact on her dd when she moved this man in and then had three kids with him.

Test please ignore

While I agree we need to be sympathetic to how others feel, I do think sometimes this 'I must protect my own wellbeing' kind of movement has gone a bit far. You see it on here, people using their own 'wellbeing' or 'looking after themselves' as excuses to not take part in stuff that plenty of the rest of us don't particularly enjoy either but do it because it's important to someone we care about or because it's something we know we are morally obligated to do.

It's become like this get out of jail free card for anything difficult - 'I have to look after myself first,' 'I have to consider my own wellbeing.' The problem is that the pendulum for some people swings too far and they only ever look after themselves or consider their own wellbeing. There's a selfishness in it I think that is disguised under the banner of 'self care'. My friend's husband uses the 'I need to look after my own health/wellbeing' spiel a lot to get out of family obligations like christenings and gatherings when the reality is that he just doesn't want to go, not that going will cause him a lifetime of mental woe or cause anything other than a couple of hours of his life that aren't that enjoyable.

In this situation, I don't doubt her visiting may be difficult and cause longer term upset, but that's sort of what happens when a family member dies. We can't (or rather shouldn't) avoid it. She's not a child and barring any drip feed from OP about a poor relationship etc., this isn't all about her.

I dont agree my neighbours son died a few years ago I supported him whilst his son was dying and afterwards its something that many do for those we like and care about.
When at work my role is to support the dying person and the family hopefully to enable them to support each other. I cannot be with them 24/7 so I aim to support them so that they can start their grieving journey. I'm not wording it very well but if families are able to support each other then hopefully the outcomes for all of them will be better.

She's 25 years old, she doesn't have to do what her mother tells her any more. If my mother tried to be that controlling I'd be moving abroad again.

No. I agree with @AppleDumplingWithCustard This woman is 25, not 15. No one wants to face loved ones being extremely unwell, particularly when it’s immediate family, but it’s part of being an adult. And actually, when she finally grows up, I think she will regret her selfish actions.
At 25 she should be able to consider not only the impact on her, but also on those around her.

No. You don’t know what this daughter is dealing with, in her own life. She isn’t pivotal in this situation and putting pressure on her would be unnecessary and potentially damaging to her.

I agree that your daughter needs to be made fully aware of any urgency.
There are two parts to it I think - I agree that your DH has been a key figure in her life and if he would like to see her, then she should make the effort for him - and for herself.
I think the expectation of support for everyone else may not be reasonable. She is only 25. From my own adult children that seems to be a time of wall to wall plans and not much flexibility.
I would try and set your needs and those of her step siblings aside and focus on the importance for her to see DH while there is still time - and frame it like that.

So sorry op . She's being selfish and horrible. Who cares if she doesn't want to see him ill, no one enjoys illness. She should be there for you and her sibs if nothing else.

You need to say bright and breezy 'we'd like to see you before Oct please let me know when you're popping up'.

From how you’ve described your daughter, she sounds very independent and in control of her life. Do you think that’s some of it? She can’t handle what is going on, so she is immersing herself in the stuff that she knows; work, hobbies,etc,etc to keep busy so she doesn’t have to think about it and she can’t create the time to visit. This avoiding facing up to the whole situation. If she comes to visit, she has to face up to losing her beloved step dad, facing you and your grief and her siblings loss too, and it’s everything that she can’t control.

This is probably the biggest thing in her life, so far, that she’s had to face and she doesn’t know how to do it. She is probably terrified in her own way of facing you all and losing control and never regaining it again.

Can you talk with her and her boyfriend to see if you can talk openly and honestly about how she needs to face up to this now or it will hit her harder later?

In my now extensive experience of caring for the terminally ill and those who are actively dying people of all ages can behave badly (although I hate to use that word). Even people who seem to fully grasp the situation e,g, HCPs often do what appears to do/say the oddest things. The up coming death of someone we love and care about is so traumatic, by its very nature we are not in control of the situation and we fear the loss, we are often angry with the person dying and the situation we find ourselves and we fear how we will live without them. Secondly as a society death isn't talked about in an honest way we don’t understand the dying process maybe have past unpleasant experiences and again dont want to talk about it. I often think people think if they talk about it it will speed it up (if you dont talk about it it wont happen) and they will have to acknowledge that the person they love will soon no longer be here. People of all ages often do and day the strangest things.
Give the DD soem slack.

Make sure she understands the time scales and let her decide.

She shouldn't be expected to be a support person for her step siblings or her mum, that is what therapists/professionals are for. This isn't her dad, it's not someone she's closely related to and it's not someone she chose to be part of her family. It's someone who was thrust upon her and she may well like him but really not feel the same about him as you or his biological children.

Call me old fashioned, but I can never understand anyone, no matter what age they are, for not having the decency or courage to visit someone when they are dying.

I disagree, @Viviennemary - having been a nurse, and having supported my dh and our dses through the death of his mum/their grandmother from cancer, I can understand how difficult this is for anyone, never mind a teenager or young person.

We offered all three dses the chance to visit MIL in the hospice - the older two wanted to go, but ds3 decided he didn’t want his last memory of his beloved grandma to be of her so ill, and we all understood - MIL included.

@Leonsma - I am so sorry you are in this difficult situation - my heart goes out to you and your whole family. I do wonder whether, as previous posters have suggested, there are elements of denial and avoidance in your DD’s behaviour - the idea of death is huge and awful. All you can do is keep the communication open, tell her clearly how your dh is doing, so she knows when it might be the last chance to see him, if she wants to, and be honest with her about your need for some support and care from her as you go through this.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, it must be horrendously difficult to face the loss of your husband.

It sounds as if she's either scared of facing up to his death, feels incapable of the emotional support she knows you need from her, or is not as happy with her childhood as you were.

Given the amount she has chosen to live abroad since adulthood, the last one might be a big part of this. With the history it has to be quite likely that many of the moments of teenage angst when she might have turned to you both for help, you were too busy bringing up three young children to fully engage.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure she's entirely blameworthy here.

It could be avoidance. Or maybe she's just selfish. Im sorry to hear about your husband. Concentrate on your immediate family.

My life is as very similar when I lived in London. It could be months before I had a free weekend. Not surprising.
she has her own way of dealing with things, you’re not responsible for her response, just check in with her. She’ll come back when she’s ready.

Some people can’t handle death or illness and people who can’t do it at 25 just avoid it as they get older.

Let her know, gently, that you would all like to see her. Does she realise how long your DH likely has (are you looking at months/years)? She may be avoiding something she doesn't want to acknowledge. She may simply be self-centred, letting her know the rest of you would appreciate some support doesn't have to come with guilt. Very obviously she could come over some evening or one day at the weekend (even if going to Wimbledon) if she wanted to.

Fear, avoidance, yes a dose of cowardice maybe, but if shes never faced this before she will have no idea of what to expect and that in itself is very frightening.
You probably dont have the bandwidth available to deal with this but if you think its this and really want her to be able to see him sit down togethervwith her and talk it through.

This is a photo of how he looks now. This is the building hes in. I will come with you. Hes on the second floor. We will go in and there will be chairs to sit on. Ill sit next to him. You sit next to me.
You print out some photos of where you went on holiday and what you've been up to this last few weeks. Maybe 8 or 10. That will give you something to talk about. He can look through those whilst you talk about them.
You dont need to ask him any questions. We will not stay more than 10 minutes. I will do most of the talking.
You dont need to hug him or anything but you can pat his hand when you leave if you want.
And so on.
Make it safe and predictable for her. Even what it smells like, which can be uncomfortable if your not expecting it. Then maybe she will feel able to cope on her own or just " better" next time ?

Does anyone deal with terminal illness easily?!

When FIL was dying I had to spell out to the DC that if they didn't visit that weekend they may not get another chance. It was a horrible conversation but they needed to know. They also knew there would be no judgment if they couldn't/didn't want to see him but they had to know in time to make that choice.