AIBU to worry my retired parents never want to go out?

They seem happy so leave them to it

I'm the same though a few years younger.

I hate the judgemental attitude some have that somehow you're not living or have a small life if you prefer to be at home.

I've had plenty of holidays, days out, gigs, festivals etc in the past and even though I enjoyed them, I always would have been just as happy or happier at home.

So when I got to my late 30s I stopped going out when it was just to please others, or to be seen to join in or because I thought I should want to do all these things.

Now haven't been out in the evening for about 5 years. Have a couple of weekends at the coast a year but no more than 2 nights because after that, I've had enough, and go on day trips with friends 4 or 5 times a year.

Can't be arsed with airports either.

I'm very happy and enjoy life very much. I walk daily, enjoy nature and wildlife.

I hate that some people feel like they're somehow superior because they like to go to coffee shops with friends or to a book group. or are always busy.

I don't think it's abnormal - some people certainly do become real homebodies in later life and not everyone is a big traveller anyway. My paternal GPs were like this, but then my grandma had the beginnings to dementia around this age, so I suspect that was part of it. They were never big travellers, had a little holiday cottage in a scenic area of England, but then they sold it and after that they never went anywhere. They were late 60s at that point.

Going anywhere these days can be a PITA. Road works everywhere, traffic heavy and yes I know if you complain about traffic you are traffic.

Sometimes it just all seems like too much hassle.

We went out last week and on a drive which should have taken 45 minutes we encountered six lots of road works two of which actually held us up for quite a long time. We could hear sirens in the distance and wondered for a moment if our route would be entirely blocked if there had been an accident. Eventually we moved off and couldn't see any reason for the delay at all but it's just all more stressful than it needs to be.

What do they do at home? Do they have hobbies like reading, crafting, puzzles or do they just watch tv?

My parents are like this- it’s a shame as it is definitely going to shorten their lifespan, but they’re happy so not much I can do about.

On the flip side my in laws are the opposite of this, always out and about socialising and doing things- they’re older than my parents but look younger and have far fewer health problems. I hope to be more like them as I age.

It might be helpful if you outlined how they spend their time at home.

I'm 59, and spend all week out and about in London (I have 2 jobs) and am find that these days I am enjoying more and more spending weekends at home, in my bikini on my sun lounger in the garden with a good book and a chilled bottle of Pinot Grigio. Bliss.

I recently attended a birthday dinner at a renown restaurant and for me the whole evening was ruined by a group of 3 young women on the next table who were loud, shrill and felt that the who restaurant had to be aware of their conversation, which also included getting up to film themselves and take countless pictures posing with their food, and taking as though they were orating to the whole room. I hate to sound like an old bitch, but I'm finding Gen Z to be to be very performative, attention seeking and annoying. At one point one of them burst into this high pitched sustained squeal (think of a stuck pig) while using both her hands to frantically fan herself, while all her friends shrieked in unison. I guess manners, decorum and consideration are things that are no longer fashionable.

Maybe I am just getting old.

My fit and healthy parents did absolutely nothing when they were old. They never went for meals, cinema or theatre trips or days out. They pottered around the house and gardens, and went to Waitrose. A family gathering was always something they enjoyed, but apart from that - nothing. Happy as clams.

I think it's great you are concerned.
However I'm almost 60 and work hard then usually chill at home cleaning and gardening at the weekend.The thing is energy can deplete as you age.
I walk 25 miles per week and my older dh could not do that.
Also it's possible they have done what they wanted or they are careful with finances now they no longer earn a wage.
It's possible they are neurodivergents and more than happy alone even if socializing is fun for you.

I say this as someone recently diagnosed .Ask if they are ok then leave them to it.

There is not one size fits all in retirement. Some like to gad about and travel and join things, others prefer the security of home and enjoy pottering about with no immediate plans to do anything.

Your parents seem to be quite happy to be at home, and many are like this. Not everyone is full of fun and whizz, and sometimes the security of the familiar is all they need.

The only thing I would ask is if they get any movement into their day. That's so important, but they have a dog so perhaps they walk it in turns. That's all they need really, or a bit of gardening etc.

I wouldn't worry about it. You can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

Ahh leave them alone, they like a quiet boring life! They’ve worked, played and done all the things and can’t be arsed anymore. That’s their right.

I think the only reason to be concerned is if their lifestyle could cause health problems that could be avoided or postponed. If for example they walk to and from shops, maintain a garden, do diy when needed etc, then perhaps not a cause for concern.

I’m 45 and I can feel myself becoming more and more like this. I genuinely just feel bored of going out and doing things. When you’ve been everywhere and done everything it becomes boring after a while. I have adult dc and still make the effort for them (we recently went on a family break to Disneyland!) but once I’m home I just enjoy pottering around at home with my cat, scrolling online and watching tv, bit of gardening, etc. I don’t have any friends and don’t want any friends. Can’t imagine anything worse than having to make plans to meet up with anyone. We’re all different I guess…!

It’s interesting. I literally refuse to go out in the evenings now though will happily go out in and do lots of things in the morning/afternoon. By 5pm I need my pyjamas on and endless tea.

I wonder if that will creep earlier and earlier as I head to 70? (I’m mid 50’s now) I also have no desire to leave the UK, can’t be bothered with the awfulness of airports.

This!

I can imagine myself just pottering around the house when I hit retirement, as life until this stage is busy. I will know that I’ve done everything I want to do - infact I’m starting to feel that way now at 47 - so now I can just enjoy being home.

@Bluebell12378 the only thing that would ruin it for me is if my nearest and dearest judged how I liked to spend my time. It would make me feel as though I have to be doing something, as doing nothing is unacceptable, even if deep down I just don’t want to.

Ask them if they’re happy and enjoying retirement, if yes, then leave them be.

When you work, your free time is very precious. Most people get 4-5 weeks of annual leave and that's it. You are busy fitting in work, childcare, housework, life admin etc. and you want to make the most of your holiday time.

It's different for retired people. Their time is their own. They have no urgency to deal with anything, most things can wait until tomorrow. They have routines to get their shopping done and other essentials but time is more plentiful and they are just enjoying it.

As for going away for holidays well, if they've done that throughout their younger years they might have had enough of it. Travelling can be unpleasant and expensive and pretty much all the same unless you go for very different holiday experiences all the time.

Everyone is different. If they're happy, that's great.

What is it with all the threads criticising the over 60's for daring to live their lives as they choose. If they are happy to live that life then leave them to it.

My parents have no hobbies. They're 74 and 73 and been married 50 years. They occasionally go out for a walk otherwise they sit at home watching TV, mum gardens. When they both worked, their evenings were exactly the same. Hardly ever went on holiday, even when I was there (our first holiday was when I was 14).

They seem happy enough.

However, I find I am turning into them at 52. I moved to be with my partner 150 miles away three years ago and every evening we sit watching TV, usually with her scrolling on her phone. She doesn't finish work until 7.30 so she's too tired to go out. My hobbies all ceased during COVID and where I am now I can't do those hobbies.

I think it's like many things. Once you get into a rut after a few years it's very hard to get out of it. My parents were always like that, so they seem to be fine about it. I was usually out 2-3 nights a week and some part of Sundays doing my hobbies (more when single). I can't see myself getting out of his rut unless we move.

Your parents may be fine about it. It's their choice.

If they are happy , it’s their decision let them get on with it.
I am 60. I have seen with my own mother how small life can become and how quickly it can happen too. It’s not for me. I am more likely to accept invitations and say let’s do it. At this age( for me) making memories and new experiences is more important than collecting stuff . I would
much rather spend our money on traveling but we couldn’t afford to upkeep our
house when the kids were young. So now the kitchen is literally falling apart and needs replacing .

Have you asked them? Lots of older people fall more in love with their homes. The absolute joy of peace. Nothing that you don’t want, no more having to grin and bear it. Just your own choices, all around you. Bliss!

One thing I’m aware of as I age is my battery runs out on interest in ‘ entertainment’ or ‘ novelty’ much more quickly. I just don’t need as much diversion. My ability to be content is now very strong, and dealing with The World is ‘less than’ being in ‘My World’.

I have a couple of friends who are older who admit to still being haunted by FOMO and they go bother and yon a lot. I truly can’t see they are happier than less busy people. They’re just busier.

Snap, I thought the same.

My PILs also never went anywhere. I think my FIL would have but my MIL had never been interested in day trips. We tried to get them going by booking a few things but they just went and came straight home. Their choice but it did them no good. My MIL talked about nothing but retiring for decades and then just sat in the house for 15 years. Such a waste of a retirement and they never had anything to talk about.

That's your parents and nan
Many people are just happy at home. I love being at home.

So long they're physically active and healthy I don't see the problem. I like being at home but not to that extent. Do they clean, cut the grass, clean the windows etc, they could keep busy and healthy doing that. If they were literally watching TV all day I would be concerned.

It's nice they're happy at home.